AIBU not to cancel DD's party despite the house next door being in mourning?

[Padstow58]

It's my DD's birthday today. 13 and very excited. For weeks she's been planning a party at our house and for 8 girls to sleep over in the tent in our garden. She's decorated our garden and it's all ready.

Next door are a retired couple and a few weeks ago, he was taken into hospital. We've been keeping in touch with the lady neighbour so have been aware that he's not been doing too well.

This morning she let me know he died in the night.

DH now says they are a house of mourning and it would be disrespectful to hold a party next door.

But I think, as sad as it is, that it's not fair to cancel DD's party that she's been planning and looking forward to for so long.

We are detached and I'll make sure they are quiet out there after 10pm so hopefully they won't be disturbed too much by it all.

Does that sound reasonable?

There is no way nine 13 year olds are going to be quiet, it just won't happen. You should move the party inside at 9 pm or postpone it a week.

Sorry. Haven't had time to read all the replies but I thought I'd update.

I went and told the neighbour about the party and she said it was fine. The girls were pretty good and not too noisy so hopefully they didn't disturb her (or anyone!).

They're very tired this morning though! 🤣

So glad you went round to see your neighbour, the first meeting after a bereavement is hard on both sides because no one knows quite what to do or say, but she knows you are there for her if she needs you. She sounds lovely, and I am pleased the girls had their party with her blessing, and were respectful of her needs too.

Its 17 pages long. It would be easier if posters didn’t play silly fuckers with their ‘reverses’.

Yep. It was weird.

Oh dear god I'm so sorry @LilyTuesday! I'm so sorry they were so crass and unthinking. 💐

No one would fake that that would be sick

Sounds like a good compromise. 🙂

Some really hard-hearted posts on here today.

problem is I usually read all OP's threads and then when I saw that posters thread I reacted. I didn't read the rest of the thread then react as I only wanted to react to that post and didn't think oh I'll see if it's a reverse. I've asked for my post reacting to it to be removed in case I caused pain.

I'm glad you went and spoke to the neighbour and hope you can be there for her if needed.

Good for you after your update. No doubt your neighbour felt the noise of celebration as some detraction from her grief.

Its the poster doing the weird attention seeking apparently reverse posts that should be deleted.

Having read the whole thread, I agree. As sad as that posters loss is, it’s not ok to derail a thread with lies/reverses to be deliberately inflammatory.

Glad your daughter and friends had a good time OP and that your neighbour was ok with it.

Glad your DD had a gold party!

I went and told the neighbour about the party and she said it was fine.

Be honest, what else could she say? She is probably was still in shock and didn't even know herself how she was going to be from hour to hour so early in her grief.

I am appalled anyone could even ask, and put this decision upon a widow just a few hours after her dh died.

@NoTouch I'll offer a different perspective.

My grandmother died in very similar circumstances to OPs neighbour.

The neighbour tried to cancel his childrens half birthday party (Christmas babies so they had a summer party to celebrate with their friends then did family only at Christmas). My grandfather insisted on them going ahead. He loved hearing the children laughing and being silly, and the neighbour got the children to write cards and sent cake over with them to my grandfather, who thought it was sweet albeit unnecessary. No-one can say the neighbour felt obliged to say yes to it, no-one knows her.

No-one can say the neighbour felt obliged to say yes to it

⬆⬆⬆ Exactly my point. So the only decent thing to do is err on the side of caution and respect.

There were many things that could have easily been done and no big deal in comparison such as bring the party indoors. How we got to the point a child's birthday party, not even a big birthday, trumps showing an ounce of respect to a women whose husband has just died is horrifying. The direction humanity is taking and the way we are raising children to not have to consider others above their own needs does not bode well for the future.

would really want an innocent child's party cancelled

Innocent child?? Really stretching it now!?? No one is taking away any innocence, we are talking about moving a party indoors for reasons a 13 year old is more than well equipped to understand and hopefully, if raised right, agree with not sacrificing them to the gods! 🙄

Keep party , but within reason and a cut off for noise ie music etc like you would do any other time. It's not as if the dc are going to be hanging over the fence shouting disrespectful things. Life has to go on and the the world will keep turning.

Really glad your DD enjoyed her birthday party @Padstow58

Thank you. It was honestly awful. I was devastated but I deal with it now by taking the mickey out of the situation- dark humour - type of thing. The fact the woman actually said she was due in 3 weeks and it was her only baby shower was rubbing salt in the wound. I was also due not long after her, but my baby had died 2 weeks before her baby shower. We didn’t know each other well. The odd hello- but it’s a main road so not a little street where we would have known each other to chat to. We had, however, both acknowledged each other’s pregnancies when we were both out putting the bins out at the same time and both had visible bumps. She didn’t know our baby had died though, not until the day of the funeral. When guests started parking on the road (and pavement) and I noticed they were putting baby shower decorations up… I would never have expected she should take them down or cancel her party , especially as she had no idea it was the funeral day of my own baby. But the fact she didn’t see anything wrong with refusing to ask her guests if they could park on another street… we had to walk part way up the road to get into the cars and then a group of them stood out the front (gawping with fake sincere looks) and waving. Actually bloody waving. It was beyond belief. They also knocked on the door during the wake we held at our house, almost suggesting we have some sort of double party - completely stunned at the audacity and lack of tact. I am so so pleased that my own original post on here received so much hate - in a way I hope this post makes the media and she somehow reads it! I’m not a troll, I’ve been around a while, and I’m currently pregnant so mostly on the baby name boards!

I am not sure what you replied - it looks like a few comments to me have been removed- but honestly, I understand. I could have just posted my experience without playing silly reverse games. For me, dark humour is a way of coping with the shitty situations life has dealt me. And by posting my situation in reverse, it was oddly therapeutic reading the hate directed to me (my neighbour) I probably need more therapy 🤣but sorry to everyone i annoyed. I’m not new here, been around a little while and mostly on the baby name board as I’m pregnant. Usually just scroll on the Aibu!

i am glad the OP’s daughter had her party and that the OP spoke to the neighbour first. It sounds nothing like my own situation and I could only hope for decent neighbours like the OP- and the rest of you!

Thank you -I am glad someone could read between the lines and suspect a reverse. It was oddly therapeutic and I hope this someone ends up being read by my neighbour- it’s definitely outing as part of my username is also my real name. I still to this day think that she felt her behaviour that day was absolutely fine. I’m pregnant at the moment, and she has noticed that. But I’ve completely blanked any waves or attempts at conversation.

I won’t even disagree with you there. It is ridiculous, I know that. I’ve found strange ways to deal with my own grief and trauma. In real life, with a select audience (close friends) that works. Online, with strangers- not so much.
I don’t expect anyone to understand - and I apologise for any offence caused. But I am absolutely not making this up. I’ve been here a while and also under a couple of other usernames- mumsnet can verify. I’ve posted about my baby before as well.