AIBU not to cancel DD's party despite the house next door being in mourning?

[Padstow58]

It's my DD's birthday today. 13 and very excited. For weeks she's been planning a party at our house and for 8 girls to sleep over in the tent in our garden. She's decorated our garden and it's all ready.

Next door are a retired couple and a few weeks ago, he was taken into hospital. We've been keeping in touch with the lady neighbour so have been aware that he's not been doing too well.

This morning she let me know he died in the night.

DH now says they are a house of mourning and it would be disrespectful to hold a party next door.

But I think, as sad as it is, that it's not fair to cancel DD's party that she's been planning and looking forward to for so long.

We are detached and I'll make sure they are quiet out there after 10pm so hopefully they won't be disturbed too much by it all.

Does that sound reasonable?

Why is your DH more concerned with upsetting your neighbour than upsetting his DD?

Go on, have a wild guess

Your spiralling - you are assuming how she is going to react but you don't know. It's a 13 yo birthday so it shouldn't be going on outside until overly late anyway - hope you're DD enjoys it as life is simply too short to not

Of course you shouldn't cancel. My mum would have been horrified if her neighbours had thought her children shouldn't be able to celebrate their birthday because my dad died.

It's not horrific to hear children having fun when you're grieving

I would have already let the neighbours know about the party though.

This

Sorry I missed your last post. Yes a card and a note would be good.

Please do not knock on her door as advised by a pp - it's horribly intrusive

I would go round and talk to the sister. Ask her what she thinks. An alternative would be to move the party indoors. I think a bunch of excited teens making a noise in the garden and sleeping outside might be too much for the neighbour. It's too soon after the death.
You can reschedule the sleeping outside in a tent bit for a couple of months' time.
I know your DD and friends will be disappointed but I do think it's not on to be having a potentially noisy party in the garden when the neighbour has just died.

I don't actually think it's about whether the neighbour "minds" as such. It's just respectful to moderate behaviour after a death nect door.

It’s not “house of mourning”, nobody is suggesting that the curtains should be kept closed and everybody wear black. It’s about kindness and consideration to another human being who has been recently devastated. That should not be old fashioned. It’s partying whilst the person physically closest to you is newly bereaved. They might not care but it’s justifiable to give some thought to.

Really don't put the responsibility for the decision on the bereaved!

‘Life goes on’ is just very selfish.

Of course life goes on, but that doesn’t mean just doing whatever the hell you want and ignoring others.

How would you feel if an older person decides to have a loud garden party on the eve of your daughter’s GCSE Maths (for example) and keeps her up all night. Life goes on, eh….

Old fashioned for having respect for a grieving neighbour? Some of the replies on here make depressing reading.

I would speak with her face to face whila handing over card and flowers.

Agree.

Don’t cancel

I think you could argue it’s a bit disrespectful for adults to have a party in this situation however it’s definitely not fair on your daughter to have her party affected

It's because it was men's opinion. If roles were reversed cancelling would get agreeement hwre

Really surprised at how many people advising you to go ahead as planned. I'd at least bring them inside to sleep at a reasonable time. The likely noise levels would be a lot for your neighbours to tolerate at the best of times.

Don’t cancel. Pop round and speak to the sister or her. Say your daughters having a party and will have them keep it down and to let you know if they want you to move it. Chances are they will say they wouldn’t want to dampen a birthday and like that life goes on etc.

Well, of course it is going to go on late. They’re 13.

A card she might not open for weeks.

I do think you should knock on her door with some chocolates and explain that it's your daughter's birthday and this has been planned for a while.

I agree with your DH and would postpone it a week.
But if you do go ahead, at least bring it inside. Your poor neighbour must be exhausted at this stage and least she deserves is some peace at home. It's unfortuate timing for your DD, but she can do the camp out another night - Summer is only starting.

If this was a child who had died, or a young mother, the response would have been entirely different sadly. Yes you should cancel the party. As others have said, life goes on for you and your dcs luckily, and you can easily reschedule.
Am astounded by the lack of empathy ( or breeding) in the responses😮

I suggested speaking to the lady and gauging her reaction but you're completely right - it'd be entirely unfair to do so.

Do parents of GCSE students give copies of their child's exam timetable to their neighbours? If not how would the neighbour know about this maths exam? Odd comparison.