AIBU not to cancel DD's party despite the house next door being in mourning?

[Padstow58]

It's my DD's birthday today. 13 and very excited. For weeks she's been planning a party at our house and for 8 girls to sleep over in the tent in our garden. She's decorated our garden and it's all ready.

Next door are a retired couple and a few weeks ago, he was taken into hospital. We've been keeping in touch with the lady neighbour so have been aware that he's not been doing too well.

This morning she let me know he died in the night.

DH now says they are a house of mourning and it would be disrespectful to hold a party next door.

But I think, as sad as it is, that it's not fair to cancel DD's party that she's been planning and looking forward to for so long.

We are detached and I'll make sure they are quiet out there after 10pm so hopefully they won't be disturbed too much by it all.

Does that sound reasonable?

I would absolutely cancel. The neighbour has obviously had a very stressful few weeks, culminating in the loss of her husband. The party can be rearranged. It is a bit shit for your daughter, but sometimes shit things happen.

I wouldn’t cancel. When you have neighbours, you have to cope with other people’s noise regardless of what is going on in your own life.

I don't think it's about the neighbour's expectations. I doubt she has any expectations at all. It's still the right thing to do, to behave respectfully for a few days

but that’s not the same thing. This is the actual same day as the death.

When you have neighbours, you are part of a community. They are part of your own life. It matters. Or should.

People do live next do churches and universities.

My uni was surrounded by 100s of flats and my grans old garden backed onto a church.

I lost my husband in April, but I do understand that life has to go on for others.

It is hard for your neighbour, especially this time of year, when so many people, couples particularly, are enjoying life in the warm weather.

I wouldn't cancel - but perhaps ask them to keep the noise down a bit when in the garden?

Your husband is right. I cringe at the the thought of a party on the day of a death.

I think putting a card through is the right way to go. Just say you’re very sorry about the timing but it’s your daughters pre planned 13th birthday party tonight. Obviously you mean no disrespect and apologise in advance for any disturbance - you will keep noise to the minimum you can with 8 over excited teenagers playing in the garden etc
Seems reasonable to me - hopefully she will be understanding as well.

I just can’t get my head around all the heartless and callous people on this thread.

Don't cancel.

My experience of older people is almost universally that they love seeing young people enjoy themselves.

I'd be tempted to go over and spend an hour of so with her if she want ls the company, let her know some nice memories of her husband.

YANBU, life goes on but I can see where your husband is coming from too.

It's not a weekday party though? It's a 13 year olds party on a Saturday that the OP has said she will make sure they are quiet by 10pm. An all night party wouldn't be acceptable if the neighbour was alive anyway
If the OP had said they are going to be loud all night then yes I'd be advising her to cut it short or cancel altogether. She hasn't though and if she is confident all will be quiet by 10pm I can't see what the issue is. If the neighbour is relatively normal I would guess she would be mortified at even the suggestion of cancelling due to the passing of her husband. I live in a street full of 'old people', aside from me and my family and a newly moved in couple next door everyone else is 60+ with most in their 80's. Frankly if everyone had to stop what they're doing when someone passes away here we wouldn't be able to plan anything.

It’s fine.

Just drop round a note, letting them know it will be over at 10.

Life goes on.

I think if it was a child who had died I'd definitely move the party indoors. Hearing children laugh so soon after losing yours could be extremely painful.

As it's an older person, I think continuing with plans is fine. I've yet to meet an older bereaved person who hasn't liked seeing children living their lives (I sadly was with a lot of grieving people and went to lots of funerals in a short space of time a couple of years ago). I'm not saying they don't exist, but I think they are probably the minority. I'm approaching middle aged and when grieving people close to me, I've very much appreciate the distraction of young people and the reminder that it is a life cycle.

Since you know that she is at the house with her sister I think it would be appropriate to go around and both offer your condolences in person and explain the situation about the party , explaining that you don’t want to disrespect her, but that it would be hard to cancel. I assume that both the neighbour and her husband have known your daughter since she was little which will make a difference. Older people are a lot more stoic and practical than some people are giving them credit for.

"@Gymmum82 Are you seriously suggesting the disappointment of rescheduling a party is in any way comparable to losing a life partner?

Not what @Gymmum82 insinuated at all"

Well, she is actually insinuating exactly that!

It's not heartless or callous to continue with your plans when a neighbour has died.

It's life, unfortunately. The world doesn't stop for grief.

Old fashioned for having respect for a grieving neighbour? Some of the replies on here make depressing reading.

No, old fashioned for describing them as a "mourning household". It puts to mind the old etiquette of how widows were expected to act in Victorian times, that was why I used that term.

I'd be respectful towards them but I wouldn't view it as "a thing" that people shouldn't have parties in neighbouring houses. Just that they should generally not be a nuisance. I'd perhaps suggest the girls should base themselves inside instead of in the garden.

When you have neighbours, you are part of a community. They are part of your own life. It matters. Or should.

But you don’t stop your life for them. Just be reasonable about noise levels, as you should be with neighbours anyway. You don’t get silence because someone died.

Don't cancel that's ridiculous

No one would want or expect that

I'd be so upset if I found out a 13 year old cancelled their party because I was mourning.

Life goes on regardless

I'm not sure that you can speak for everyone in the way you state. Yes, some people would not want or expect that, for others it would be different. I may seem ridiculous to you, but in my personal opinion I could not have the party in the way it was planned. I feel a little sad that so many people have said to continue as planned. Makes me realise we really are all alone in our grief. Yes, life does go on for others, but an outdoor party so soon after the death does feel a little harsh. I know in these circumstances I would re-arrange /alter the party

I’d just go and talk to her
I think very few people would want to cancel it

Not quiet. They'd expect a normal level of noise. But if you've heard a group of excited 13 year olds at a sleepover in a tent in the garden then you would know that that's not a normal level of noise 😁 and it could go on all night.

I feel a little sad that so many people have said to continue as planned. Makes me realise we really are all alone in our grief.

Why does a 13yo having their birthday party has planned mean the neighbour is alone in her grief?

It’s not a regular sleepover though is it, it’s in the garden so already will impact neighbours.