AIBU not to cancel DD's party despite the house next door being in mourning?

[Padstow58]

It's my DD's birthday today. 13 and very excited. For weeks she's been planning a party at our house and for 8 girls to sleep over in the tent in our garden. She's decorated our garden and it's all ready.

Next door are a retired couple and a few weeks ago, he was taken into hospital. We've been keeping in touch with the lady neighbour so have been aware that he's not been doing too well.

This morning she let me know he died in the night.

DH now says they are a house of mourning and it would be disrespectful to hold a party next door.

But I think, as sad as it is, that it's not fair to cancel DD's party that she's been planning and looking forward to for so long.

We are detached and I'll make sure they are quiet out there after 10pm so hopefully they won't be disturbed too much by it all.

Does that sound reasonable?

I agree 100%.

Honestly would hate to think of a child cancelling their much anticipated birthday party because of my bereavement.

I've just asked my mum who was widowed 8 months ago and she said she feels the same.

Can’t you work that out?

I wouldn’t cancel but I would ensure they were inside. Impossible to keep a group of this age quiet.

I also wouldn’t be letting the neighbour know, that smacks of guilt tripping and putting pressure on a grieving woman.

The girls are unlikely to be quiet after 10 in the garden. It's hot and everyone is sleeping with their windows open. I would have your daughter and her friends have a sleepover in the lounge instead. It seems like a reasonable compromise to me. It would probably make very little difference to the girls once they are all laughing and having fun. But it could make a huge difference to your elderly neighbour.

I don’t think you should cancel at all. As previous posters have suggested, you should pop round to offer condolences with flowers and a meal if possible and let her know.

People grieve in different ways, she might like to hear children having fun or she might not register it at all. I highly doubt, that she will expect everyone to mourn with her.

Well to me, the two things are totally unrelated.

You can empathise with a neighbour and support them in their grief and carry on with your plans as expected at the same time.

Expecting a 13yo to cancel their much-anticipated birthday party because a neighbour has passed away is hugely OTT to me and I'd never expect any of my neighbours to change their plans because I happened to be grieving.

Fucking hell some of these replies !

Some of you are utterly callous selfish bastards.

What ever happened to a little consideration and empathy for our fellow humans ?

I feel a little sad that so many people have said to continue as planned. Makes me realise we really are all alone in our grief.

She’s not alone. She has her sister and probably lots of other friends and family too. But yes, the world doesn’t stop if you lose someone.

I think you can have the party and have respect for your grieving neighbour. I would not blast party music in the backyard or have a wild time out there but they can still sleep in the backyward tent assuming they aren't too loud and disrupting her in her house. Most of hte evening can be spend indoors or doing quieter activities and the girls are old enough to know that shreiking and hollering and being really loud outside would not be appropriate.

I would bring the party inside. Explain why to your daughter and she will hopefully have empathy. Shocked so many people say carry on as normal.

My dad died a few weeks ago, if next door had had a party in their garden firstly I'm not sure I'd have even noticed, and secondly I really wouldn't have cared. Id say go for it

No. I wouldn’t cancel my 13-year-old daughter’s much-anticipated birthday party because a man died, sadly, in an entirely unrelated house.

I’d pop a car through the door, maybe mentioning the party in it as a courtesy, but cancelling is insane. And unkind.

Well to me, the two things are totally unrelated.

You can empathise with a neighbour and support them in their grief and carry on with your plans as expected at the same time.

Expecting a 13yo to cancel their much-anticipated birthday party because a neighbour has passed away is hugely OTT to me and I'd never expect anyof my neighbours to change their plans because I happened to be grieving.

This.

This is totally disproportionate.

When DH died if someone had knocked on the door with cake to tell me about their child's party the cake would have really upset me (I would've been glad for the heads up about the party) Knock with a card but not cake, not in this situation.

I wouldn't cancel. I would let the neighbour know when giving your condolences, and ask your daughter and her friends to be respectful of the fact the neighbour has just experienced a significant loss.
But surely this loss also highlights the importance of living in the present as we never know what tomorrow will bring. It's your daughter's birthday and sleepover TODAY, you don't want her memories of becoming a teenager to be affected due to her party being cancelled for a loss that has little emotional impact on her.
A good opportunity for her and her friends to show empathy and consideration by not being too noisy and wild is enough.

Is the party important enough to your DD for her to go and explain to the neighbour why it must go ahead?

Sad as it is someone is always suffering or grieving somewhere. Life can’t grind to a halt because someone on the periphery of your life dies. It’s only a neighbour, not a close friend or a family member.

But you’d have seen it was kindly meant, surely? What about it would have upset you?

I'm genuinely really shocked and saddened so many people don't even think it could be a consideration to pop next door and offer to cancel. 8 x 13 year olds wont be quiet and they will want music - of course they should, but at least give your neighbour the chance to know its happening so she can expect it
Shes not likely to want you to cancel but it will mean shes able to prepare eg go to her sisters or move bedroom for the night. Its surely common to know the right thing to do here?

I wouldn’t cancel but I’d certainly let them know and agree to keep noise down, and explain to the girls no screaming etc in the garden late at night. She may then make the decision to go to her sisters

Honestly this thread has actually properly surprised me.

I'm diagnosed autistic and therefore supposed to not be empathetic.

Yet to me the idea of a neighbour going through some of the worst emotional pain of their life, while kids next door throw a noisy, loud happy excitable party going late into the night - it makes me physically ache for them.

Well whatever happens I hope the neighbour has lots of support.

Is the party important enough to your DD for her to go and explain to the neighbour why it must go ahead?

😬😂

Quite. You can’t expect the entire street to go into mourning, surely? As long as they show consideration, would you really want a child to have her party cancelled because someone in your family had died?

Doubt it, not even or barely 24 hours after her DH has died and she's contemplating life alone.