Loveless marriage VS commitment to family

[hoven]

AIBU to suggest that committing to stay in a marriage for your children is more important to show your children than showing them an 'example of a happy relationship'?

In marriages without abuse or toxicity of course

Commitment and putting work into a relationship (or anything, really) is an important life lesson, and children need to learn not to walk away at the first hurdle.

But when it's no longer 'happy' and is 'loveless', then what exactly are you showing them?

That it's OK to stay in a relationship where values are misaligned and needs are not being met?

Where relationships between adults are cold and there is simmering underlying resentment?

How long can it be kept up before the toxicity, passive aggression, and dysfunction creeps in? And will it be so insidious you won't notice until it's too late.

The concept of Sunk Cost Fallacy is as important as commitment.

Totally disagree. Why should “commitment to stay in a marriage” trump all other considerations?

I agree that a marriage is something which should not be walked away from lightly and that the needs of children in the family are paramount.

But signaling to children that an arbitrary unit of legal social arrangement is more important than the happiness of the individual is a terrible life lesson. Ultimately a marriage is a financial contract. When it ceases to serve the needs of the people in it it’s absurd to assume that it should take precedence.

It is perfectly possible for adults to separate with respect and in a way that puts their children first. Clinging grimly to the wreckage of a loveless relationship helps no one.

And who is to say that happiness will be found after a divorce. There is a good chance you may be happier keeping your children together in your home and not uprooting them rather than divorcing, potentially moving into a smaller home away from what they know.

Of course unless there is abuse or a toxic relationship

You’re comparing apples and pears. Divorce doesn’t necessarily equal moving house/school etc. And also means that the kids have at least one happy parent.

So do you think divorce = happy?

YABU yes. I would far rather demonstrate happiness to my child than a "convenient" loveless marriage.

Most people on here will disagree with you OP because marriage isn't valued that highly on here.
Amount of threads where people are told to leave because their husbands didn't put the bin out or pick socks up off the floor.
The grass is always greener, of course.

And there's nothing wrong with having a small house either. Such a materialistic attitude. My DS and I live in a flat.

I don't think it's that simple. Friend stayed in an OK marriage until her children left home and had partners of their own then she divorced her dh - he wasn't fussed and both started new chapters in later 50s. Kids were fine with it. They knew their parents rubbed along OK but that was about it. They are happy parents stayed and worked together but they will admit they were more like friends than in a romantic relationship

As a product of this kind of situation I disagree. Both of my parents were much happier when they did eventually separate when I was an adult. I wish they had done it much earlier. There was no abuse or even arguments and they were civil to each other generally, but palpable sadness and loneliness. Not a happy house, with me and sibling going wtf?

It’s not a guarantee and obviously divorce is stressful and sometimes traumatic. No one should be under any illusion about that and it should be last resort.

But when a relationship is sufficiently toxic that people can’t bear to spend time with one another or talk to one another and have no affection or shared values it can’t enhance their lives to remain together in a legal and economic unit. And it’s a terrible example to set children. It basically tells them their happiness and self fulfilment will always come second to the needs of two people who hate one another because of an arbitrary legal construct.

Divorce is abrupt, short term pain and if handled badly can be awful for children. But if handled correctly it allows all concerned to reframe and reset their lives in a way which ultimately allows them to thrive.

Plodding along in teeth-clenching misery just to follow the rules is never going to be better than that.

I would do exactly what @Hankunamatata's friend did if my marriage was functional but loveless. Fortunately I'm in a very happy marriage and hopefully it never comes to that. If it did though, I'd rather keep my family under one roof and seek happiness in other ways and then divorce when my children are adults.

Do you think it would have been the same happiness if you were a child?

When my children were 8-10 years old I seriously considered divorce. For all the reasons posters will come up with I decided to stick it out.

No - don't. The fallout can be devastating. Twenty years later I so wish I'd have had the courage to walk.

I'm more conceptually into the idea of cycles of life, so a partner for a stage of life not a life partner. Of course, that partner can also suit different cycles of life, but if they don't then that's fine too.

So that's what I would want to model.

I do see childrearing as a stage but not through to adulthood, just the younger stages. And if things don't work out, so be it

Disagree. If your children know, then you're basically setting them up to accept a mediocre life. Why would you want that for your children?

I think you are more likely to live a mediocre life a divorcee

@hoven My ex and I separated when my DD was four (and divorced three years later). She is 12 now and is happy and well adjusted. I now have a great relationship with my ex and he and my current partner are friendly. We socialise together.

My DD is absolutely fine with this and is happy that her parents are friends (which we would certainly not have been if we had stayed married) and that her father and stepfather are on cordial terms.

It was difficult for a couple of years but I am absolutely certain that separating was the best outcome. We were unhappily married but are now good friends now the baggage of trying to force ourselves to align where we didn’t align has been removed. We have found people with whom we are better suited and it’s generally a more relaxed and happier environment for everyone.

I struggle to see how toughing out a miserable marriage in the face of deepening rifts and becoming angrier and more unhappy would have been preferable to what we have now.

Step families are not an option for me.

My friend's parents divorced when she was at university, she was blindsided. They seemed to get on really well weren't physically very demonstrative but there were never any rows or tensions she'd been aware of.
All came out eventually they'd agreed to stay together for her sake until she was grown. They made this agreement when they moved house just before she started secondary school. So whilst it had no negative impact on her childhood, as a young adult she was devastated firstly by the shock and then eventually finding out her parents had essentially lied to her for a decade.
I understand it more with elderly people, they get along, they've got a routine, they've reached an age where physical intimacy might not be in the cards anyway. They enjoy their home, joint friends, lifestyle, having the grandchildren to visit etc. So long as they genuinely do get on platonically

You mean sub suming your feelings?

Is ypur dh on the same page?

Have you sat down and agreed to stay in ssme house as friends?
You both equally care for house and dc?
You agree on whether you can date etc? And how?
If you both agree to the rules and decide maybe

If it s you seething underneath
Whike you maintain house for your dh and dc like a domestic servant
Then no

The dc will grow up
What then?

Step families are not an option for me.

Butcwhat about your dh?
He gets to decide his life too
What does your dh say sbout this?
Has he agreeed never to get involved with anyone else?

@hoven

Step families are not an option for me.

Thats fine and I agree creating step families needs to be handled with extreme caution and respect. There’s huge potential to hurt children if this is not handled sensitively.

But that’s different from saying everyone who ever gets married should always stay together unless there’s abuse just because. That’s a very blunt instrument indeed which fails to reflect the reality of people’s lives.

It’s perfectly possible to separate in a healthy way and in many cases it’s in everyone’s best interests.

I think you missed my point. You're basically teaching your children to settle. I want my children to reach for the stars, be brave, take risks and go for what they want in life. Not to settle for average, unless that's something they want of course. I want my children to be happy and live their best lives. What you're describing sounds no where close.

Besides the point, but who says "divorcee" anynore? Are you 100?