Loveless marriage VS commitment to family

[hoven]

AIBU to suggest that committing to stay in a marriage for your children is more important to show your children than showing them an 'example of a happy relationship'?

In marriages without abuse or toxicity of course

I dunno, what do you think you’re showing them? Better to martyr yourself to an unhappy marriage and better to stick with a safe easy option than risk anything by getting a divorce?
marriages aren’t about love and You don’t or shouldn’t need love or care?
it’s ok to pretend you’re doing the right and good thing by sacrificing your happiness to stay in your marriage, without actually having to do any hard work to fix your marriage?

i don’t think you should divorce at the drop of a hat, you’ve committed to that person. But I also don’t think just settling into a loveless marriage shows any sort of commitment. You’re not following your marriage vows either way.

@Nicecow I wouldn't want them to reach for the stars at the detriment of their children.

I loved really this is helps me feel a lot more positive about splitting from my baby's father

I am 100. Please don't be ageist

I'm interested to know why step or blended families aren't an option? If you're sure that this is the case I can see how you'd worry about being lonely and not having a companion

He won't divorce

Also this is worth unpacking: it's by no means true that you will live a mediocre life after divorce. It depends on your financial position. If you work and have some money of your own there's every reason to think you will be in a much stronger position post divorce.

These days women tend to get reasonable settlements in divorces so unless you haven't worked at all or, God forbid, you haven't worked and aren't married, that doesn't reflect reality.

I know many women for whom divorce has been a new lease of life and the start of an exciting new chapter. Yes it's pretty unpleasant when its actually going on but as long as you've been reasonable sensible before and during the marriage about protection yourself it shouldn't be worse once it's finished.

Tbh I think lots of women stay in marriages they don't feel are right. Hit menopause/retirement and think life it too short and the husbands feel blind sided

Majority of child murders are in blended families. And personally I would never do that to my child for a number of reasons.

As always making blanket statements like this never helps anyone, every situation is different and life is rarely black and white.
But so many MN posters seem to struggle with nuance.

Totally agree. When you're in the thick of child-rearing (and particularly if you don't work), it can be hard to see the wood for the trees.

When kids become more self-sufficient or fly the nest a lot of women think: "why should I continue to shoehorn myself into a role which is all about funnelling me constantly into looking after other people".

Subsuming your needs to the needs of young, vulnerable children who need love, care and guidance is one thing, subsuming your needs to those of an adult man who wants to be waited on because he's lazy and entitled is a whole other ballgame.

It's a discussion forum, we are not writing research papers

OP, I'm afraid you sound unhinged.

Rigid. Blinkered. Terribly judgemental.

Your children are going to be negatively impacted by being raised by you for these reasons.

Your marital status is the least of their worries.

I left my marriage because it wasn't a partnership nor did it meet my needs. It made me mask being a happy person for my family, children and society. I of course considered my children and weighted up the pros and cons.

We get one life, it is brief and I deserve happiness. Both me and their father prioritize our children's happiness not to the detrimental impact on ourselves that doesn't equate to a happy upbringing

Yes but discussion often involves understanding nuance…but well done for proving my point

😆
Well one of you will soon kick the bucket so you may as well hang in there in that case and save some admin

@WoolyMammoth55 and you sound like a lovely person woolly mammoth

Not sure if you're just being obtuse. Basically you're not being a great role model for your kids, assuming they will pick up on the situation. They in turn are unlikely to stay in unhappy relationships, children learn what they see. Same thing when children grow up with violence, abuse etc.

@hoven as kindly as possible you sound very unhappy and quite defensive but you're not helping yourself.

You seem to be incredibly rigid in your perspective on this which slightly begs the question as to why you have sought other people's views on this. It is, as you say, a discussion forum, and while you are absolutely entitled to your views, coming on and banging away with such rigid certainty undermines the point of such a discussion.

If you're absolutely sure that leaving a miserable marriage is impossible, crack on with it. If there's a degree of uncertainty in your mind there may be merit in hearing some of us out.

I'm not going to tell you you have to leave your marriage but you can't have it both ways: you can't come onto a forum like this and insist it's wrong to leave a marriage when you so obviously want to leave yours and then, in the face of positive stories, insist that everyone else is wrong.

There's actually a huge spectrum in what happens when marriages break down, from utter disaster to very constructive scenarios, and a lot of this is dependent on mindset and how people tackle the situation, so pigeonholing it as disastrous in all scenarios is incredibly unhelpful.

If you engaged with people in a more nuanced way you might find there are people who could actually help you.

Honestly if that’s your view then you crack on

Theres no right or wrong way as in the end if your husband doesn’t love or like you he is likely to stray anyway

I tend to agree OP. I am always surprised at how flippant people are here saying to leave your DH over small things.

It's hard to define though what is happy and what is not. I think most people regardless of circumstances are not truly happy, it's a rather unachievable goal. But if you are content and not unhappy that is OK. I couldn't tell you if I'm happy or not, I'm just very busy trying to raise a family and not analysing anything too much.

FWIW my parents had a loveless marriage but we didn't cop onto it for years and years. I think they actively disliked each other more as the years went on and were possibly waiting for younger sis to finish school to separate. It never came to pass as one parent died young. As I became a young adult i found their situation odd, but they never fought and had separate rooms and lives really so it wasnt that big a deal to me. I was oblivious as a child and am grateful for a happy stable childhood. My siblings feel the same.

Maybe it's relevant but I'm Irish Catholic and literally never met a kid whose parents had divorced growing up, it wasn't even legal so the expectation of family life may be different. When I got married it didn't occur to me that it's just a phase I just assumed I'd remain married. I'd want to be really desperately unhappy to consider separation. None of my pals have ever separated / divorced yet and we all mid 40s.

OP you are doing the classic thing of projecting your experience onto everyone else. It may be very important for you to stay in your marriage, and clearly you're trying to convince yourself of that - but that doesn't mean it's right for everyone.

This is often part and parcel of this type of relationship. Split self affairs, compartmentalised affairs, use of sex workers, don't ask don't tell.

I think it depends a lot on the relationship. If you can be happy living together as friends and you get on well etc then yes.

I also think that love changes over the years and while you still care for someone you might not feel ‘in love’ forever.

As you get older relationships become more like companionships anyway and that love and lust doesn’t really matter anymore. I think I’d prefer to hit my retirement with someone I enjoyed spending time with, who I got on well with who wanted the same things out of life rather than someone I fancied and wanted to rip their clothes off. That’s rather superficial

I am. I also believe it will be better for society if people put their families before their feelings