Loveless marriage VS commitment to family

[hoven]

AIBU to suggest that committing to stay in a marriage for your children is more important to show your children than showing them an 'example of a happy relationship'?

In marriages without abuse or toxicity of course

"Commitment to marriage" what value is this demonstrating exactly?

That your children mean more to you then fleeting feelings. And that you chose to have children and get married so you won't put them at a detriment because you've changed your mind

YABU - what you're actually showing a child is that their happiness and right to feel loved comes secondary to pleasing other people. Not to mention the detrimental impact being raised in a household with an unhappy marriage will have on them.

Why do think divorcing and becoming a single parent would make you feel loved?

you may be happier. It's almost a given that your children will not. Ask any person here who was raised in a home such as you describe- I'd be surprised if you came across any who got out of that situation unscathed.

What makes you think this? Definite a mediocre life?

I would call living with my children full time more than a convenience factor 🙄

@BodyKeepingScore say that to those who have had abusive or toxic step families!

That your children mean more to you then fleeting feelings. And that you chose to have children and get married so you won't put them at a detriment because you've changed your mind

Why are you conflating marriage and children? If a marriage has failed it doesn't mean you have failed as a parent, or that by backing out of a marriage you are no longer a parent. I grew up in a house where the parents stayed together, supposedly for our benefit (really because it was easier) and it was awful, it took me a long time to learn what a happy relationship should look like and nearly cost me my own.

If you're unhappy leave your husband, you don't need to lash out at other people to try to validate your own actions.

Knocked off bike by truck - 33 years
Heart attack - 47 years
Cardiac arrest - 62 years
Murdered - 35 years

Just a run down of the last few funerals DH and I have attended in the last year.
Nobody is guaranteed decades of this life to waste being so unhappy, and I would hate do do it then see my children mimic me in their own unhappy lives.

@hoven I don't think that divorcing and becoming a single parent makes someone feel loved... you're being deliberately obtuse. What I'm saying is that you are modelling for your children that they should tolerate a loveless marriage, that their "obligations to others" is more important than how they feel. A lifetime is a long time to go without love or passion. Why would you want less than that for your children? Are they put on this earth to appease everyone around them or are they worthy of love and fulfilling relationships? Reading more of your replies I can't help but think you aren't genuine - surely you understand the message you're sending your children? You're either being disingenuous or you genuinely think that maintaining the veneer of a respectable marriage is more important than anyone in the household being happy.

Does this scream happy?

Was your mothers marriage a happy one? Because if not, essentially what you're saying is "I'm so so grateful she sacrificed a lifetime of love and happiness so that I wouldn't have to possibly adjust to a step parent."

Does divorcing to become a single parent make you happy? I know a lot of unhappy divorcees

Plenty of blood/birth families are abusive and toxic. So in your mind, staying in an already toxic loveless marriage is better than a possibly toxic blended family. Gotcha 🤣

Disagree. Proving you can martyr yourself for your children shows them nothing positive

I was married for 18 years, and I was deeply unhappy for most of those years. When I left, I found myself better off financially and emotionally. My DD missed her dad, but he had never taken much of an interest in her, so not much changed really. I met my now partner about three years after the split, we moved in together months later, and even DD really likes him.

Am I happier post-divorce? Immeasurably.

I think once you choose to have children yes you 100% have a commitment to them. Unless you think it's best to put your children in care to do anything you want to become "happy"

Nice article. I'm curious as to whether you think physical abuse is better/worse than emotional abuse?

@BodyKeepingScore no in all my posts I said excluding a toxic marriage

Is your DD?

@hoven but if a marriage is an unhappy one it is likely toxic, living with someone you used to love but now tolerate will hardly ever be a healthy, comfortable environment for each other, or the kids.

But that s a daft argument
They were presumably unhappy in their marriage
(Or their spouse was)
Staying married would not have equated to happiness

It could be. But many people can manage their emotions and keep themselves busy/ find happiness elsewhere