Loveless marriage VS commitment to family

[hoven]

AIBU to suggest that committing to stay in a marriage for your children is more important to show your children than showing them an 'example of a happy relationship'?

In marriages without abuse or toxicity of course

Very much this

I wouldn't really class is as unhappy tbh, unromantic and passionate yes, and having small children and going through other difficult situations can be tough in relationships.

My dc will thank me when me and Dh are dead and he is happy to have another sibling to share the load

Share what load?

@Modaboutyou if we split up they still won't see that! We are very respectful and get on ok

You categorically should not have another child with someone you already know you eventually want to leave. Wtf is wrong with you.

I am an only child and I hate it. I'm sure your not there chastising women who have children with multiple men or risky step parents

What load are siblings sharing when their parents are dead?

Beats me. I am a very happy only child. I hope nobody is finding me a burden.

Multiple men! The horror!

Actually you would be far less selfish to have another child with a man you actually like, even if it doesn't work out.

@hoven sorry you’re unhappy, but I would agree with PP that having another child in this situation doesn’t sound like a great idea - trust me, it’s much harder to leave with two or more kids in tow

Funerals, caring for parents and just having another close family member rather than feeling alone

What? A funeral is difficult to organise because you are grieving. It’s actually easier when one person does it.

You can’t care for parents who are dead and there’s no guarantee you would need care. Or that either will actually leave near enough to care for you.

Having a sibling doesn’t guarantee or even increase the odds of feeling alone.

We you child born in a loveless marriage?

@AndIKnewYouMeantIt that will never be part of my value system.

Also who knows in a few year time we may be good again. I made the decision initially so I'm going to stick with it

In fact let’s just agree.

You aren’t staying for your child. You are staying because you want another child. You want one.

Theres no guarantee that your child will like or even enjoy having a sibling. You are staying for you. Not the vows. Not because it’s best.

I would actually bet money that within 5 years of having the second child, you split anyway. Once you have what you want, you won’t feel like it’s worth staying.

Yeah, you don't get to claim moral high ground on this one, sorry. Using your DH as a sperm donor is foul.

@AndIKnewYouMeantIt he's actually the best father I know. So I feel extremely proud of myself for choosing him

I agree with you, OP.

My life is infinitely harder now my ex has left. His choice. My kids absolutely hate having to leave living with me eow. We are two years on, and my eldest especially really hates the upheaval.

Financially, my life is extremely stressful. It is tough on my children. Our home is tiny, because it's all I can afford. We all hate our circumstances.

I would have stuck it out, but he didn't want to.

If you think there’s a chance things can be good again, you aren’t in the same place as the majority of people who divorce.

Most people choose divorce once they know they absolutely can never make things better.

So until you get to that point, maybe hold off the judging people for not staying in their marriage. Because you don’t actually know what it’s like to be at the point you absolutely know there’s no way back from.

If you ever get to that place and you have your 2nd child. I think you will make a different decision.

Nailed it.

OP I don't understand why you started this thread. You've already decided what to do, and you seem to have very fixed ideas about what various situations are or will be like, so I'm not sure anything anyone said would have penetrated anyway.

You've made a decision but clearly are not very happy with it given this thread, your strong opinions clearly stem from a place of insecurity. It's your life, but you might want to reflect on why you are so judgemental and what the real problem is here, clue, it's not other people divorcing and being happy.

Another one who is unsure what you want from this thread.

You are very judgemental and quite clearly not opening to learn from people’s lives experiences which is the point of a discussion forum

I think that’s a bit mean and judgemental and also not true when I think about friends who have divorced over the years. Some love the single life and their freedom, others have found new love and are much happier than they were in their marriages. Anecdotal, I know but I definitely don’t get the impression that their lives are in any way ‘mediocre’. Quite the opposite.

To me, being in a marriage of convenience or staying for the children is far more likely to result in a ‘mediocre’ life. But I understand why people do. It’s the much easier, less scary option.

My original point still stands, how terribly sad for your child to grow up in this situation. It will affect them more than you think (or want to give accept).

Good for you. You absolutely deserve to feel that happiness