DH (33!) has no common sense

[HeadacheEarthquake]

Exhibit A - friend and I plan to have bbq last Sunday afternoon after a long theatre rehearsal 1hr away ending at 3pm. DH decides to light bbq and put expensive steaks I purchased on for 40 minutes as soon as we text to say we are on our way. We arrive to shrunken rubber meat biscuits.

B - Cat indoors for a week on meds. Cat has always disliked litter tray but used when needed. DH moves tray to middle of downstairs bathroom and cat boy kicks litter all over batbroom. Have asked him to clean it and it's been three days, with bathroom out of use for me and my clients as I refuse to sweep and change it if it is in the middle of the room as opposed to corner where it was. Have now at midnight had to do it as cleaner coming tomorrow and would not wish there to be doing Cat litter all over bathroom.

C- DH Made "salad" yesterday and gave me the tummy rots as tried to put "olive oil" on the salad like I do sometimes. Actually used Olivio which is vegetable oil with a dash of olive. Whole salad greasy covered in veg oil and inedible. Waste of money.

These are only a few small examples but he cannot see or think ahead and I cannot cope. Anyone else with me here with a well meaning but witless DH

Why did you marry this moronic man baby?

I'm not perfect but I understand your frustration op

Sounds like learned incompetence. He didn't clean up after the cat (why not?) and he ruins food so he won't be the one preparing food next time.

I assume he holds down a reasonable job without these issues?

Did you not live with him prior to marriage?

Honestly, this was my first thought. Why? Why would you burden yourself like this? How can a grown man this daft and incompetent have possibly appealed to you?

>expensive steaks
>40 minutes

Give me your address, I’ll come murder him for you.

Er, I mean… I’ll come build you a new patio.

Presumably there are some things he’s actually good at, so it evens out?

A is infuriating, C may be ignorance but B is just a big fuck-you to you.

If he refused to clean up cat litter for three days because of his mistake(?) then he's not well meaning is he.

I have someone who sabotages everything I try and do. All little things that can be excused by themselves but if you look at them all then it can only be deliberate. Try stepping back and looking at your life as an outsider. You might be unpleasantly surprised.

Mr Unfanciable right there

The thing is, with learned incompetence, it's to get out of doing it. But he insists on cooking as much as possible and most times will manage to invent a new way of getting it wrong. This has only recently gotten bad after ten years he used to be pretty on the ball. Now I feel like he's suffered a head injury!

Yes, he holds down a job in finance.

Do you have children, @HeadacheEarthquake? If yes, how thoughtful/competent is he with them? 🌹

Cooking is the best if the chores because it’s a performance job. Nobody sits around acknowledging and praising the clean washing or the empty dishwasher ten minutes after you’ve done it.

Nobody says when your out with your friends ‘on, last Thursday Bob washed the bathroom floor, tell Sarah what you used Bob she is thinking of mopping hers’

When you are at work, the person next to you doesn’t ask if you are scrubbing the shower screen when you get home and are you using cif as they are looking for ideas.

No kids, and no plans to have them x but I would worry if we did

Mine moves the dog water bowl away from the wall "so the dog can see it" (she knows full well where it is) and I kick it all over the place when I walk in the kitchen.

Last night he made dinner (he is cooking more often in a bid to become more competent, ironically) and used stork baking margerine in a butter sauce 🤮

I feel your pain.

If it is recent, is he stressed at work maybe? I find when I am stressed in one area of life I get scatterbrained in other areas of life.

He reminds me of my mum who had an extensive catalogue of similar events. She has a diagnosis of ADD. We’ve adapted our language to help her be involved but not creating work/waste ie. Steaks go on barbecue when we are all in the garden, not before.

Yes! This is it. He also moves the catfood to the middle of the kitchen for me to kick and for the little darling animal to spill around.

Baking marg oh good god

He has extensive autism and aspegers in his family I don't know if that's anything to do with it... he's now started struggling with speech and reading too.

He is very clever and funny and does do a lot of things well it just seems like his brain has recently taken leave of his body.

He has been through a lot of stress with things, they're things I've also gone through too, I'm on SSRIs and manage running our lives and my own business. He has said I do a lot and he feels bad but whenever I give him the reigns he drops them and it creates more work for me.

OP "he's now started struggling with speech and reading too. He is very clever and funny and does do a lot of things well it just seems like his brain has recently taken leave of his body."

I'm totally incompetent after mum had a stroke six months ago. Has anything massively stressful happened to him? I have managed to move home in that time, but managed it very badly.

struggling with speech and reading sounds a bit worrying too.

We have had a string of bad luck, a grandparent death, 2 car incidents, an attempt to sue us from our wedding venue (ridiculous, over a tablecloth and was laughed out of the prelim) and his mum has just has CABG surgery which has been very difficult, inconvenient and lots of complications and miscommunication (she's a days travel away)

He thinks he might have been hurting his head at his martial arts club but he's still going... he is touchy when I suggest the doctors. I've persuaded him to take St johns wort

Sorry if this is what we call a drip feed - I was at the end of my tether last night

That's a hell of a drip feed OP. I hope he's all right.

Get him to a doctor. Recent problems are very different to always having been a bit incompetent.

Playing Devils Advocate, but is it really most days he gets it wrong, or do you not notice particularly when he gets it right so in fact mostly it works. And if it appears to be getting worse then maybe he is getting more adventurous and trying to extend his repertoire?

Mind you, your later update about struggling with speech and reading now is worrying. Rather than railing against his "lack of common sense" I think I would be concerned about what is causing this

"he's now started struggling with speech and reading too"

To the GP, immediately. And don't get fobbed off.