DH (33!) has no common sense

[HeadacheEarthquake]

Exhibit A - friend and I plan to have bbq last Sunday afternoon after a long theatre rehearsal 1hr away ending at 3pm. DH decides to light bbq and put expensive steaks I purchased on for 40 minutes as soon as we text to say we are on our way. We arrive to shrunken rubber meat biscuits.

B - Cat indoors for a week on meds. Cat has always disliked litter tray but used when needed. DH moves tray to middle of downstairs bathroom and cat boy kicks litter all over batbroom. Have asked him to clean it and it's been three days, with bathroom out of use for me and my clients as I refuse to sweep and change it if it is in the middle of the room as opposed to corner where it was. Have now at midnight had to do it as cleaner coming tomorrow and would not wish there to be doing Cat litter all over bathroom.

C- DH Made "salad" yesterday and gave me the tummy rots as tried to put "olive oil" on the salad like I do sometimes. Actually used Olivio which is vegetable oil with a dash of olive. Whole salad greasy covered in veg oil and inedible. Waste of money.

These are only a few small examples but he cannot see or think ahead and I cannot cope. Anyone else with me here with a well meaning but witless DH

ADHD?

Just seen your post about reading/speech problems. Definitely needs to see a doctor. Hugs x

As a neurodivergent person I can tell you that various symptoms and behaviours are getting worse when I put myself under pressure about performing at work/home and also am stressed.
I am then forgetting my well practiced coping strategies and behave as I used to when I was much younger.

My suggestion would be to look back and see if there are behaviours he got better at and now is back where he used to be at.
Would he be able to see that he is being unreasonable? I mean not in a heat of an argument but away from it.
I think him being stressed manifests itself in those behaviurs. I don't know what he can do to get better. He needs to acknowledge it first qnd tqke it from there.

This does sound a lot like it - he is very aware that he isn't functioning normally but is putting more pressure on himself. Think lists, timetables, spreadsheets and timers for the most basic of things. But then can't seem to do them.

The way Olivio is packaged and named is genuinely confusing. Can’t blame him for that one. Olive is in the name and the picture is of an Italian olive farm!

If he is aware of it that's great! If you acknowledged it verbally even better. We often need re.inding thst oir strugfle is valued. This isn't babying anyone. It is part of helping him. With each step he will get better. He just needs to actively slow down his thinking process and then mistakes will happen less frequently.
If he gets verbal response that he is doing good it will remind him nad motivate him.

Why marry such a twot! You must know this isn't normal. If you don't know then you are unaware. Have you addressed all the non NT stuff?

He needs to see a bloody doctor. My friend is being tested for Parkinson's with these symptoms. He also needs to cut the martial arts club until he knows what's going on. Time to get tough Op.

I do know it's not normal... hence the post

Yes - I am at the point where I can't cope with it any more and he is constantly visibly embarrassed at his mistakes but can't seem to stop making them

I have been trying to be understanding and mask my exasperation but maybe it's time to get blunt.

The thing that disturbs me about this is that it's worse - the speech/reading in particular. That suggests that either there is something physically wrong, that's new. or that any existing conditions are getting worse as a result of some factor such as stress, or age.

Not cleaning the bathroom floor he dirtied for 3 days is not lack of common sense, it’s expecting you to do it.

m You are not his maid and mother. Dump him, you can do better.

Yeah that worries me too - he's quite verbose and studies a lot for his job and passes exams frequently but this is something he's complaining of himself.

I don't know about the reading - although he doesn't seem to bother reading food labels

But he does slow frequently come out with mangled words when he never used to. FWIW he doesn't drink and hasn't had any alcohol since 2017

Yeah I'm fucking furious about it. I only caved because of the poor cleaner.

Don't know about the bathroom, but the rest, I'd be worried it was something neurological. Like a mini stroke.

DGM had a succession of mini strokes in her sleep (so didn't notice the 'event'), and the only sign of something wrong was changes in behaviour.

I’d be really alarmed at the sudden speech and vision issues and changes in behaviour. You say this is not his norm but you’re here complaining about him instead of being concerned he’s suffering some kind of illness. Issues with changes to speech and vision should be investigated asap.

I have insisted he stops martial arts and gets himself checked out, don't get me wrong.

I just hadn't really linked it all together as the incompetence has been a year or so whereas the speech thing I hadn't noticed and the reading he has only just mentioned.

I was going to say autism whenever I read the examples you gave….

Then you said he works in finance…

And about the history in his family…

When taking into account the number of incredibly stressful things going on - bereavement, car accidents, legal issues and health of his mother. With respect, is it any wonder that he is behaving as he is.

You could expect a NT person to really struggle with all that.

For ND it is a lot of change.

I would have visual schedules up around the house, label or colour code whatever oil you wish him to use. Buy coloured tape and put an “X” on the floor where you want him to put litter box and cat dish. That way he will remember.

This may seem much but you want to be able to support him through this incredibly difficult time where he’s finding daily functioning more difficult.

I would read up on strategies to help autistic adults pronto.

He sounds ND.

...he's now started struggling with speech and reading too.

I'd be pushing for a GP referral to neurology or stroke assessment.

My DH is the same and he is 30 years older! He is very clever, holds down a high powered, very well paid job but is not practical at all. I'm sure it's partly laziness - if he is shit at stuff he doesn't have to do it. Luckily for us, I am supremely sensible and practical so he doesn't have to be the boring bits and I don't have to earn the big bucks. Horses for courses.

Is he managing at work though? Surely he has to think for himself there.

I feel sorry for him, having read your updates

My husband can be like this and we don't have/won't have children either. The thought of him looking after a child was one of many reasons for us not to have them.

I'd describe my DH as "ditzy" as he would definitely do your example 3.

He asked me if he could help with dinner and so I asked him to peel and chop some potatoes in to small cubes. I was going to make a sort of parmentier potatoes, which he's had plenty of times, so know what they look like.

I walked in to find him chopping the potatoes in to the tiniest cubes known to mankind. Considering his knife skills are generally terrible, this was quite the feat, but FGS man, what the hell was he thinking?! Did he think they significantly expanded as they cooked?? He got a bit defensive when I asked him what on earth he was doing, but was mainly just embarrassed that he hadn't thought it through.

In my DH's case, I'm fairly certain he has ADHD combined with a severe lack of common sense.

I see this thread has moved on from the comment I'm quoting on and it does appear that something else is going on with OP's DH. Hopefully he'll listen to reason eventually. I do have to be blunt with my DH sometimes and he has, after 15 years, finally started to concede that I might have a point and it's not just me nagging.

Please take comfort in the fact I am still giggling at the phrase 'shrunken meat biscuits.'