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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH (33!) has no common sense

270 replies

HeadacheEarthquake · 22/06/2023 00:05

Exhibit A - friend and I plan to have bbq last Sunday afternoon after a long theatre rehearsal 1hr away ending at 3pm. DH decides to light bbq and put expensive steaks I purchased on for 40 minutes as soon as we text to say we are on our way. We arrive to shrunken rubber meat biscuits.

B - Cat indoors for a week on meds. Cat has always disliked litter tray but used when needed. DH moves tray to middle of downstairs bathroom and cat boy kicks litter all over batbroom. Have asked him to clean it and it's been three days, with bathroom out of use for me and my clients as I refuse to sweep and change it if it is in the middle of the room as opposed to corner where it was. Have now at midnight had to do it as cleaner coming tomorrow and would not wish there to be doing Cat litter all over bathroom.

C- DH Made "salad" yesterday and gave me the tummy rots as tried to put "olive oil" on the salad like I do sometimes. Actually used Olivio which is vegetable oil with a dash of olive. Whole salad greasy covered in veg oil and inedible. Waste of money.

These are only a few small examples but he cannot see or think ahead and I cannot cope. Anyone else with me here with a well meaning but witless DH

OP posts:
talknomore · 23/06/2023 12:00

I think for his own sanity he should go for that meeting with a list of sympthoms written down.

ChairFloorWall · 23/06/2023 12:20

talknomore · 23/06/2023 12:00

I think for his own sanity he should go for that meeting with a list of sympthoms written down.

I agree - and OP make sure you contribute to the list from your POV

Pixiedust1234 · 23/06/2023 12:59

Brilliant news OP. Would he allow you to sit in on part of the consultation? The part where his mind/vocabulary isn't normal? Doesn't have to be all, the GP can call you in at the end.

Otherwise insist he takes in a list of all the symptoms (and references to martial arts/head injuries) written by you.

ALongHardWinter · 23/06/2023 13:09

Omg this struck a chord with me. My ex partner (we split up 6 years ago) was rather like this. He was actually quite intelligent (has a university degree) but as for common sense..... Here are some of the idiotic things he did:-

Put dried rice in the cat litter tray thinking it was cat litter.

Mistook a bottle of mouthwash for moisturising lotion and tipped it all over his hands (and everywhere else).

Mistook a nasal spray for ear drops and proceeded to tip it into his ear.

Tried to eat a raw garlic bread baguette thinking it was cooked.

I'm sure there are others that I can't think of at the moment!

HeadacheEarthquake · 23/06/2023 14:11

Pixiedust1234 · 23/06/2023 12:59

Brilliant news OP. Would he allow you to sit in on part of the consultation? The part where his mind/vocabulary isn't normal? Doesn't have to be all, the GP can call you in at the end.

Otherwise insist he takes in a list of all the symptoms (and references to martial arts/head injuries) written by you.

I would love to be there but it's classic shit timing as I have a dress rehearsal and no understudy - we might have to wait longer though of he reschedules.

I don't actually believe he will be as thorough and he definitely underplays everything to the doctors - I will be writing everything down from my POV and going through his lists with him including the MA. He came home with a black eye from it last night and was quite surprised that I didn't see the humour in it. That's when I was honest about the fact he's been a liability recently. He has apologised for causing me so much frustration but I've told him we are getting to the bottom of it. His boss who is amazing has also insisted he take some time off and I've doubled down on that.

All I can do is use my worry exasperation as a highlighter.

I have suggested to him ND issues but he is very touchy about it - that will be a harder battle

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb53 · 23/06/2023 15:05

I'm glad he has made an appointment Although you're not able to attend with him, you can email GP with your concerns, although obviously they won't reply to you

GasPanic · 23/06/2023 15:14

TBH I think you need to pull out the stops and attend with him.

You need to make sure you get your side of the argument across because if you don't and he manages to minimise it then it may be really difficult to get him back in.

Wishing you good luck.

Throwncrumbs · 23/06/2023 15:34

Mine just as bad. New dishwasher arrives, tells guy ‘ no it’s okay I can carry it indoors’ proceeds to carry it in, drops it and dents it , but that’s not all he leaves the gate open so dg goes off on little walk all by herself. I’m actually in town with DD, who becomes hysterical over missing dog when husbands phones to let me know. We get notification that dog has been handed in at vets (microchip) pick dog up get home to find the house in a mess with fuckwit trying to plumb in dented dishwasher 🤷‍♀️

Talia99 · 23/06/2023 15:59

HeadacheEarthquake · 23/06/2023 14:11

I would love to be there but it's classic shit timing as I have a dress rehearsal and no understudy - we might have to wait longer though of he reschedules.

I don't actually believe he will be as thorough and he definitely underplays everything to the doctors - I will be writing everything down from my POV and going through his lists with him including the MA. He came home with a black eye from it last night and was quite surprised that I didn't see the humour in it. That's when I was honest about the fact he's been a liability recently. He has apologised for causing me so much frustration but I've told him we are getting to the bottom of it. His boss who is amazing has also insisted he take some time off and I've doubled down on that.

All I can do is use my worry exasperation as a highlighter.

I have suggested to him ND issues but he is very touchy about it - that will be a harder battle

If whatever is going on is bad enough it’s showing at work, do you know his boss well enough to get details of what’s happening? That’s something else the doctor needs to know.

Most GP visits are 10 minutes. It would be better if he could go in with a written list of symptoms / behaviours. Also, sadly, ‘my boss has put me on leave because of X, Y, Z’ is likely to get more traction than ‘my wife isn’t happy because I burnt some steaks’ (I absolutely know this is massively minimising the situation but I’m afraid he will do the same).

If you absolutely can’t make it, is there any other family member who can?

Newestname002 · 23/06/2023 16:56

uncomfortablydumb53 · 23/06/2023 15:05

I'm glad he has made an appointment Although you're not able to attend with him, you can email GP with your concerns, although obviously they won't reply to you

Yes. Was going to suggest this. When my mother was going through some worrying health issues, I emailed her GP and asked for my email to be read ahead of her appointment and to please confirm, ahead of her appointment, that they had received, read and understood the issues. It did help give them an understanding of my, and her concerns, in prescribing the treatments she needed. 🌹

DisquietintheRanks · 23/06/2023 17:13

Seriously? He's struggling with his speech and language and you're worried about which oil he puts on your salad? Fucking hell.

HeadacheEarthquake · 23/06/2023 17:14

@Talia99 and @Newestname002 thankyou so much yes I had no idea I could do that, but I will do it as well as making a list with him. I can probably ask my boss for a bit of time that day to go with him as it would only make me a tiny bit late, she would understand fully.

OP posts:
HeadacheEarthquake · 23/06/2023 17:14

DisquietintheRanks · 23/06/2023 17:13

Seriously? He's struggling with his speech and language and you're worried about which oil he puts on your salad? Fucking hell.

RTFT...

OP posts:
DisquietintheRanks · 23/06/2023 17:26

@HeadacheEarthquake I just did.

HeadacheEarthquake · 23/06/2023 17:28

DisquietintheRanks · 23/06/2023 17:26

@HeadacheEarthquake I just did.

In which case you'd see that that is not the issue 👍🏻

OP posts:
Rainydaysandicecream · 23/06/2023 17:46

It did seem like that was the issue for quite a large part of the thread...
Was is his boss giving him time off? Is he having trouble at work too?

Rainydaysandicecream · 23/06/2023 17:47

Why, not was, sorry

CindersAgain · 23/06/2023 17:54

HeadacheEarthquake · 23/06/2023 17:28

In which case you'd see that that is not the issue 👍🏻

The thing is, it’s a fairly normal thing to use other oil for a vinaigrette dressing, so for you to say the dressing was inedible and gave you the tummy rots makes me wonder whether your standards are a bit high. Maybe it’s just a bad example.

HeadacheEarthquake · 23/06/2023 18:00

The original thing was about continual lack of wits - not the oil, that was just an example. I've explained I was angry and the cat litter thing was the last straw.

The speech and reading thing- I swear some people think he's going around spouting constant gibberish as if he's short circuiting - it really isnt like that and you wouldnt notice, It's very intermittent, very new, and he has only started complaining of the reading thing this week. He's really good at concealing problems, and in his snappy stressy moody state is often hard to assess.

His boss has merely commented that he's become forgetful and could use some time off, he works from home so she wouldn't know about much of it.

Similarly with his mood, absent mindedness and stress I really have been trying to make him see a doctor - but I'm also human and of course am starting to go slowly mad with daily lost items, ruined food, forgotten tasks, wrong items purchased, bills unpaid when he's said they are, repeated questions I've already answered several times and new limits on things he has always had no problem doing.

We don't have a lot of help around here with regards to family.

Lastly - he's been away a lot dealing with said issues, and we haven't seen each other that much recently thanks to my job taking up some evenings/weekends and his MA classes.

Hopefully that explains it, and once again sorry for dripfeeding.

And if you think I'm making a big deal about vegetable oil on lettuce, feel free to try itWine

OP posts:
Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 23/06/2023 18:01

The tummy rots 😆

HeadacheEarthquake · 23/06/2023 18:05

CindersAgain · 23/06/2023 17:54

The thing is, it’s a fairly normal thing to use other oil for a vinaigrette dressing, so for you to say the dressing was inedible and gave you the tummy rots makes me wonder whether your standards are a bit high. Maybe it’s just a bad example.

It is a bad example but it's this kind of little thing constantly. - he wasnt making vinaigrette he just threw it all over. It's him reading labels but still not doing what they say - and sell by dates. We've had boiled cous cous glop and many burnt to a crisp items recently that he's never had issues with before. It's not the end of the world but he won't let me assist or advise and we end up with ruined wasted food and him in an embarrassed strop. This is new, after 10 years.

OP posts:
CindersAgain · 23/06/2023 18:05

HeadacheEarthquake · 23/06/2023 18:00

The original thing was about continual lack of wits - not the oil, that was just an example. I've explained I was angry and the cat litter thing was the last straw.

The speech and reading thing- I swear some people think he's going around spouting constant gibberish as if he's short circuiting - it really isnt like that and you wouldnt notice, It's very intermittent, very new, and he has only started complaining of the reading thing this week. He's really good at concealing problems, and in his snappy stressy moody state is often hard to assess.

His boss has merely commented that he's become forgetful and could use some time off, he works from home so she wouldn't know about much of it.

Similarly with his mood, absent mindedness and stress I really have been trying to make him see a doctor - but I'm also human and of course am starting to go slowly mad with daily lost items, ruined food, forgotten tasks, wrong items purchased, bills unpaid when he's said they are, repeated questions I've already answered several times and new limits on things he has always had no problem doing.

We don't have a lot of help around here with regards to family.

Lastly - he's been away a lot dealing with said issues, and we haven't seen each other that much recently thanks to my job taking up some evenings/weekends and his MA classes.

Hopefully that explains it, and once again sorry for dripfeeding.

And if you think I'm making a big deal about vegetable oil on lettuce, feel free to try itWine

The bbc vinaigrette recipe uses vegetable oil.
https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/glossary/vinaigrette-glossary

Vinaigrette | BBC Good Food

This oil and vinegar-based dressing is often used for salads. Discover the traditional ingredients and how to make and store your own vinaigrette.

https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/glossary/vinaigrette-glossary

HeadacheEarthquake · 23/06/2023 18:07

CindersAgain · 23/06/2023 18:05

The bbc vinaigrette recipe uses vegetable oil.
https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/glossary/vinaigrette-glossary

Missing the point of the thread entirely. Yes of course it does, but also vinegar and herbs.

OP posts:
CindersAgain · 23/06/2023 18:39

HeadacheEarthquake · 23/06/2023 18:07

Missing the point of the thread entirely. Yes of course it does, but also vinegar and herbs.

The thing is, you made the point about the salad. And if you’re going to say that the oil a) upset your stomach
b) was ‘too greasy’

then I lose sympathy for the rest because it’s so ridiculous. It was you that brought it up. And made it one of the three original points you were making.

But there’s been massive drip feeds after that so let’s leave it.

HeadacheEarthquake · 23/06/2023 18:50

CindersAgain · 23/06/2023 18:39

The thing is, you made the point about the salad. And if you’re going to say that the oil a) upset your stomach
b) was ‘too greasy’

then I lose sympathy for the rest because it’s so ridiculous. It was you that brought it up. And made it one of the three original points you were making.

But there’s been massive drip feeds after that so let’s leave it.

Thank fuck for that

OP posts:
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