DH (33!) has no common sense

[HeadacheEarthquake]

Exhibit A - friend and I plan to have bbq last Sunday afternoon after a long theatre rehearsal 1hr away ending at 3pm. DH decides to light bbq and put expensive steaks I purchased on for 40 minutes as soon as we text to say we are on our way. We arrive to shrunken rubber meat biscuits.

B - Cat indoors for a week on meds. Cat has always disliked litter tray but used when needed. DH moves tray to middle of downstairs bathroom and cat boy kicks litter all over batbroom. Have asked him to clean it and it's been three days, with bathroom out of use for me and my clients as I refuse to sweep and change it if it is in the middle of the room as opposed to corner where it was. Have now at midnight had to do it as cleaner coming tomorrow and would not wish there to be doing Cat litter all over bathroom.

C- DH Made "salad" yesterday and gave me the tummy rots as tried to put "olive oil" on the salad like I do sometimes. Actually used Olivio which is vegetable oil with a dash of olive. Whole salad greasy covered in veg oil and inedible. Waste of money.

These are only a few small examples but he cannot see or think ahead and I cannot cope. Anyone else with me here with a well meaning but witless DH

Always good to get things checked out, of course. Not claiming to be a neurologist here. There could be something wrong, yes. But people do read an awful lot into minor things. Burning a steak, putting the wrong oil in the salad... Hardly cause for concern. If I were to post on here that I've got a headache I'm sure Mumsnet will diagnose me with a brain tumour immediately.

Those are not the things causing concern.

OP has hardly mentioned anything about the nature of the speech and reading stuff. Might just be getting some words mixed up due to stress, mental overload. I feel that, if it were really serious (which, of course, sudden onset speech and reading issues can be) OP wouldn't have led with being a bit annoyed about a steak! And the people calling her husband a moron for that (prior to the dripfeed) are just being nasty.

I am glad to read that an appointment has been made, and please do as much as you can to make sure he does not back out of going. If it is a medical issue I hope a diagnosis can be made.

😂

Weaponised ineptitude.

My OH is like this.
No meal can be cooked without dribbles of sauce down the front of the units and food on the floor. If I complain I am ungrateful.

Yesterday OH put a new battery in my car- I was grateful, but he didn't bother to wash his hands afterwards- leaving oily marks all over the house-
toilet flush, white doors, kettle, sofa.
He has just pulled out the lawnmower to use and is wearing his casual weekend shoes. ( he has crocs for gardening) After he cuts the grass he will walk inside leaving bits of grass cutting on the hall and kitchen floor, carpet.
If I point it out I am ungrateful.

My DD calls it weaponised ineptitude.

This.
And I also don't understand what's so wrong with using baking margarine as a substitute for butter.

She’s covered speech, language, reading, memory, confusion, new onset.

It’s a drip feed that’s all. It’s not uncommon for posters to write something inconsequential in their OP and come to the serious issues later in the thread.

ADHD / ASD spectrum
Believe me l know.

He sounds like a deeply stressful person to live with.

Thank goodness you don't have children to cope with.

Good that he sees the doctor asap.

But the cat litter speaks of laziness and disrespect and I would be concerned for your health living with someone like this.

"my husband is kind and helpful but makes mistakes that wind me up, he's had a rough time and is majorly stressed out after a number of incidences but he's annoying me"

I'd get over it none of these things are a big deal. You invited your friend for a BBQ it wasn't up to him to sort food and maybe he thought you'd take less than 40 mins to get home. I wouldn't let clients use a bathroom with a minging litter tray in it regardless of where its placed in the room, nobody wants to hang out with cat shit. It's unfortunate you ended up with the shits but I don't think it's that rare for someone to assume olivio is olive oil.

Ive got hundreds of similar examples and I've grown resentful and bitter about it.

I'm now actively trying to find a way out of the marriage because everything he does gives me rage. And yet, many of the examples I mention to a friend or my mother (who is very much of the opinion that 'marriage is hard and you need to stick it out') they just go, 'ohh, men though isn't it? They are just like that.' 'No actually, it's not hard to remember to use dairy free products for our dairy allergic son.... why are you actively trying to poison him?!' It's got to the point where I don't feel like I can say anything to him because to start would be to unleash a torrent of 'and another thing' at him. We've got to this point because of his lack of communication, and when issues have been brought up in the past he smiles, nods, ignores.

Society seems to accept fucking brainless dickhead behaviour and gaslights women into thinking they're the problem for being annoyed about it!

So my answer for now is to disengage, I don't give a fuck about him now, feel genuine apathy about him. I just want to make sure the split when it comes is as pain-free for my children as possible. That means staying put for a little while as I don't earn enough to rent place on my own.

So despite your rage over minor incidences and you feeling nothing towards him, his money is useful to you, nice

Surely we all find our husbands irritating from time to time? They’re not perfect but neither are we.
Mine has undiagnosed ADHD and the things you’ve described are all the kind of things he’s do.
I give him the benefit of the doubt and try and be supportive. Yes, a lot of the time it gets right on my nerves but I have to remember he can’t always help it.

I haven't real all the posts but a sudden change with speech issues is a huge red flag, coupled with the other things (his boss noticing changes especially as this shows it's not just about issues in the relationship or at home). Struggling with speech and reading out of the blue is very worrying and I would be going to the doctors with him to share your concerns. I've seen this sort of thing passed off as "stress" and it was the early signs of a brain tumor. I'm not saying this to frighten you, but something somewhere is going wrong and it doesn't sound like it's just a lack of common sense.

How expensive were the steaks in question?

Also, I note in another comment that he has recently become like this after 10-years of normality. Perhaps he needs to see his GP and have some tests done to rule out any cognitive issues.

Just saw this comment. You need to get him to see a doctor. Speech and reading impairment that appears out of the blue is seriously worrying. It is likely the rest can be explained by whatever he has been going through.

Absolutely. YABU for buying Olivio in the first place, imho. But, on a more serious note, please get your H to a doctor ASAP; there could well be a more serious reason for the recent mishaps.

Glad he's going to the Dr Op it sounds worrying.

All those posters saying that Op must get him to see a Dr-how was she supposed to do that?

No, he can't afford to live alone either. I have a local support network but his family live further away so if we split now he'd see less of the children as he'd have to move back home. I realise that perhaps I didn't word it well, but I am trying to think of everyone in this scenario. My preference would be to share costs of our current home and rent a 1 bed/studio and switch in and out, with the kids staying in the home so it's less disruptive for them... but still rent is hundreds a month that we as a family don't have.

To be brutally honest I’d wait for him to see his GP and get a diagnosis and meds if he’s needs them.

All the ND people saying oh I have this and it’s the way I am and I’m fine don’t understand what it’s like to live with this day in day out. It can be exhausting, worrying and frustrating in equal doses.

I think if after the diagnosis and meds if he needs them and treatment (therapy?) there’s no improvements then if you want to you need to see if you can live with this for the next xxx years and with children. I’m not saying I could live or couldn’t live with this but I’m sure part of this was because I ended my engagement in my early 20s when ASD etc wasn’t fully known of, am sure my fiancé wasn’t NT but that plus PTSD wasn’t something I could cope with at that age. I don’t think it was severe and not sure what he had though.

As an autistic, adhd psychologist/psychotherapist... this sounds a lot like a neurodivergent who's cup is overfloweth...

Why not just move the bloody tray into the corner of the bathroom on Day 1 ?

Well done for having enough.

I imagine living with men like this would make you ill from suppressed rage and annoyance.

Have you reached out everywhere for housing?

Have you let them know that he regularly causes you child to be ill through stupidity?

That his behaviour puts your children in danger?

You really have my sympathy as does the OP.

I would go absolutely mad at the examples of stupidity, laziness and incompetence that I read on here, irrespective of the reason.

I think it's Autistic burnout caused by stress. I'm autistic and I lose the ability to speak when in really stressed, I literally can't find any words in my head and can only make noises. It's really common in Autistic people.
He needs to reduce his stress immediately, probably by taking time off work for a good few weeks and getting some counselling as well.
If left it can turn into more permanent problems like chronic fatigue.
Please get him signed off OP.

As for the things in your OP, these all sound not uncommon for Nd people. My husband is the same, he can be very literal (BBQ need doing = light it and put food on even though people not there to eat) and also not see the difference between, say olive oil and veg oil unless explicitly taught.