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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to accept my DD’s relationship with her professor?

177 replies

hebees · 21/06/2023 15:39

DH says it’s disgusting. DD is 21 and capable of making her own decisions, her partner (55) seems a decent man. I think it’s completely acceptable in this country and she can make her own mistakes.

OP posts:
DollyTrolly · 21/06/2023 15:40

Is she still a student at his university? Did the relationship start when he was teaching her?

Talipesmum · 21/06/2023 15:41

She can make her own mistakes and it’s entirely her business, but it’s an extremely large age gap with likely a strong “power dynamic” differential. Not what I’d want and I’d be prepared to support her when / if it all falls apart horribly.

Original poster
hebees · 21/06/2023 15:41

Yes, she’s still a student there but not taking his modules next year and no, it started after as far as I know.

OP posts:
cryinglaughing · 21/06/2023 15:43

Each to their own but I wouldn't be happy about it.
Seeing as she's 21 though, there's not a lot that can be done.
I wonder if he makes a habit of dating younger students 🤔

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 21/06/2023 15:45

If he was an early starter, he could just about be her grandfather. Very nice.

DollyTrolly · 21/06/2023 15:45

If he was working at my university he would be in a significant amount of trouble. There are rules in place to protect students from staff who take advantage of being in a position of power.

GCAcademic · 21/06/2023 15:45

This is prohibited in many universities, for good reason. Has the relationship been declared to the university? And, sorry, but no "decent man" would date a student less than half his age.

ODFOx · 21/06/2023 15:45

I don't think that this is permitted. It certainly wasn't when I was an academic at two different universities.

GoodVibesHere · 21/06/2023 15:46

21 and 55?! Christ. What kind of person is he?!! That's awful. A student and a Uni professor? I'm shocked.

No I would not be happy at all. That's a massive power imbalance.

Not sure you can do anything about it though as she's an adult after all.

Original poster
hebees · 21/06/2023 15:47

Interesting about it not being permitted! I was told they just have to declare it to some sort of higher up (can’t remember who specifically). Of course it’s not ideal, but it feels harsh to cause trouble with her over something like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
hebees · 21/06/2023 15:47

Or, not harsh, but just useless.

OP posts:
DollyTrolly · 21/06/2023 15:48

So you aren't bothered that an older man in a position of power has taken advantage of your daughter?

This can't be real.......

Original poster
hebees · 21/06/2023 15:49

Of course I’m bothered! But is it better to disapprove of her and have her stop confiding in me, or to accept what’s happening and know the details?

OP posts:
DollyTrolly · 21/06/2023 15:49

If this is true then i guarantee she's not the first......

God, I thought these types of academics had been phased out.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/06/2023 15:50

hebees · 21/06/2023 15:39

DH says it’s disgusting. DD is 21 and capable of making her own decisions, her partner (55) seems a decent man. I think it’s completely acceptable in this country and she can make her own mistakes.

What country are you in? Completely acceptable? I don't think so. It's grim as fuck.

sunnydayhereandnow · 21/06/2023 15:50

If this happened when he was teaching her this is considered a disciplinary offence (for the professor) in universities due to the power differential. It’s not that it never happens but she should make sure he has notified the department and will have to have nothing to do with her academically at all.

I’ve dealt with cases like this at work ans, sadly, in my experience the lecturers who have relationships with students are those who in general have terrible boundaries and power dynamics, and they tend to be “repeat offenders”, and problematic power dynamics are involved even if he isn’t teaching her. I would absolutely advise her to avoid him. Normal 55 year olds with healthy boundaries and self image aren’t looking for relationships with 21 year olds.

RhosynBach · 21/06/2023 15:50

Are you in the uk? You seem very blasé about this

CurrentHun · 21/06/2023 15:51

Are you for real? If so, Sorry. It is disgusting. She’ll be one of a long series of interchangeable fuckable young women that he has taught and then slept with. She’s a student at his workplace, this is seriously not a normal healthy relationship.

I mean, can you imagine the eye rolling in the staffroom about him? About your daughter? I’m surprised if this is in the UK that their institution hasn’t forbidden all staff- student relationships. And I would be strongly wondering about recommending some therapy for your daughter.

NeverThatSerious · 21/06/2023 15:51

Do you honestly believe he’s a ‘decent man’ given he’s 34(!!!) her senior and as a professor, he is in a position of trust, a position he has abused in order to have sex with your daughter?! Where the fuck is your bar for mens behaviour, buried 6 feet under?!

Coffeaddict · 21/06/2023 15:51

I work at a university and that would be a massive no no where I work.

It's abuse of a position of power and there were a good few profs who got quietly fired during the whole me too movement for sexual harassment and inaapropiatecrelationships with students.

If that was my daughter I would be concerned and would contact the uni about it. However don't expect them to tell you anything, GDPR will prevent a reply to you but you should raise some flags that it gets investigated internally.

DollyTrolly · 21/06/2023 15:51

I can't believe how chilled out you are about this.

It is a much bigger deal then you seem to realise.

SallyWD · 21/06/2023 15:51

I mean they're both consenting adults and you can't stop the relationship but come on - he's a bit of a creep, isn't he?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/06/2023 15:53

You really won't raise your concerns with your daughter? How sad. She needs someone to challenge her on this.

GoodChat · 21/06/2023 15:53

It's completely inappropriate but you're in a difficult position.

Is he older than your DH?

35965a · 21/06/2023 15:54

Vile

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