to accept my DD’s relationship with her professor?

[hebees]

DH says it’s disgusting. DD is 21 and capable of making her own decisions, her partner (55) seems a decent man. I think it’s completely acceptable in this country and she can make her own mistakes.

What would a man of 55 find attractive about a 21yo?

That's a huge age gap.

I wouldn't be happy.

He was her tutor not so long ago - he was in a position of power over her.

Creep.

As someone in a large age gap relationship that started at the same age I usually don't have an issue but... He was in a position of power and still is to an extent that is all kinds of no for me seems more like a power play for him that will end badly overall.

Much to my surprise, my UK university only recommends caution and self insight on the part of the staff member when the possibility of a student - staff relationship arises. The staff member must stay clear of both real and perceived conflict of interest.

I agree with you OP that being critical will just alienate your DD. However the guy sounds awful. If he were in my School it doesn’t sound like there would be anything to formally criticise; but the odds are high that he would be our well known sleaze bag who has a decades long history of this behaviour, and Byronic curls.

We do have minimal safeguarding procedures that are supposed to be followed. I suppose your DH could read up on the policies at your daughter’s university. But be warned: there is a long history of young women who bring complaints (when policy has been violated) being bought off. I doubt an irate father acting against his DD’s wishes would get anywhere. I am so sorry about that

If reported this is a sackable offence, and rightly so.

I wouldn't expect she is the first. We had a lecturer like this, he apparently had a new student girlfriend every year or two. Could you maybe manage her expectations with a very open question about 'you're an adult but how do YOU feel about the age difference and the fact he is in an authority position at your university?' Not to nag or dissuade her, or make her justify herself, just to flag that it is noted and so if she's got herself in an uncomfortable position she doesn't know how to back down from she can talk to you.

I agree it's inappropriate and at our local uni's it would have to 'be declared'.

However, 21 is not a child and you need to talk to your daughter before you even consider sticking your nose into her relationship. At what point do we allow our adult children to be autonomous? What if she were 30 and him 60 and he was her lecturer? Would you be concerned about 'power imbalance' then? It seems ridiculous to say that they are adults at 18 (in the eyes of the law) and yet we infantilise them by assuming they don't know what they are doing when it comes to relationships.

Talk to your daughter, watch for signs of her being controlled, coerced or abused then step in if necessary. but, in the end, if she's happy then she's happy.

Most universities are now requiring staff to declare any relationships with other members of the university community including other staff and students. Do you know if he has declared this relationship to his university?

@poetryandwine so your institution has created a charter for creeps to use their power to have sex with young students as long as they are self aware and no conflict of interests. Absolutely no chance of this standing up to formal scrutiny in any tribunal or court. No wonder they pay people off who complain.

This happened in my uni and they ended up married. I don't know how it wasn't totally fucking illegal (aside from being gross)

I echo @DollyTrolly a huge nono in academia. Serious power differential and absolutely not allowed in my Uni.

Yes, at my (UK) University, a declaration to our Head of School would be required, and steps would be taken to ensure she wasn't being taught or assessed by him during the relationship. He would also have to declare an interest in Exam Boards.

To be clear I'm not condoning the professor's probable behaviour past and present, and attitude etc., not at all, when giving my verdict. As his colleague, if I was aware, I'd be raising it. I was more looking, through the lens of when I was 21 myself, and now having young adult children, at what I thought you should do, and at whether age gaps per se should be as much of a problem for parents of adult children as they often seem to be, as the age question seems to be muddying the water somewhat.

How old were you when you met your husband? I think that's a big part of the issue in many age gap relationships, that one partner hasn't had a chance to gain the life experience necessary to healthily navigate relationships.

You are not disapproving of her you are disapproving of the creep who is abusing his position.

You, being older, more knowledgeable and experienced approving of it normalises it and confirms the crap he is telling her.

There is a middle ground between acceptance and disapproval where you can mentor, guide and give very strong warnings and advice to make her ask herself the hard questions of why someone his age and stage of life is interested in such a young inexperienced woman.

How old is her father?

He's not a 'decent man' though OP.

Because decent, kind, well adjusted men in their 50s don't date or shag young women of 21.

They just don't. They may fancy a woman of that age physically, I'm sure. But to pursue, date and shag her though would feel wrong and frankly creepy to a decent, kinda well adjusted man in his 50s.

He is not a nice guy.

He is far far too old. What a creep. Your DH is right.

YABU. It’s undoubtedly not allowed under university rules and he would lose his job if they found out. Personally I would report him. And you should be doing your best to protect your daughter from this predator, not accepting it!

Filthy 🤮

Grim. 🤢🤢🤢

So are y'all saying that at most UK Unis NO STAFF member is ever allowed to date ANY Undergrad STUDENT?

I'm not sure how that's feasible to enforce.
What if they started dating before the student matriculated?

That is disgusting. He is old enough to be her grandad. I would not condone that for my daughter and I would inform the university.

As a number of PPs have pointed out, it depends on the University's policies, and they vary considerably.

Teaching is a regulated profession. It would be regarded as unprofessional conduct for a teacher to date a student. Regardless of their ages. It would be enforced by dismissing the teacher from their job for said unprofessional conduct. Teachers (including the perv in question) know this.

I'm pretty sure this isn't allowed. There was a professor at my university that was fired for this behaviour just over twenty years ago.