to accept my DD’s relationship with her professor?

[hebees]

DH says it’s disgusting. DD is 21 and capable of making her own decisions, her partner (55) seems a decent man. I think it’s completely acceptable in this country and she can make her own mistakes.

Completely inappropriate and banned at my uni.

He has no business being a teacher. It's predatory behaviour essentially.

What a revolting man.

I’d be distraught, she is barely an adult and it’s completely inappropriate.

I’m in my 40’s and I can’t help to see 21 yr olds as extremely young and not far away from childhood. It’s a disgusting abuse of power.

Bloody hell, this was rife at the university I went to in 1974!

It's not allowed at most unis. There's actually a Friends storyline where one of the characters (Ross) dates a uni age student and they have to hide it as it's a sackable action.

Many (most?) universities have rules against this, certainly if her "professor" has any involvement with her education or assessment.

Otherwise, if it's just a matter of age gap (and not the fact that he teaches at her university) then it's probably a bad idea, but at 21 you can offer your opinion but that's all.

If she stays with him then by the time she is his age now, he will be 79. Not so brilliant is it ?

You're nuts. I can't believe it's your DH not you that's appalled by this.

I can't imagine how incensed I'd have been if my parents had tried to interfere in my relationships at that age

This. I think you are best to approach it in an advisory capacity, in terms of how much trouble he could get into if they don't declare it officially through the right channels - it could be career ending, if she cares for him, would she want that? And let her know you are there for her whether the relationship goes well or whether it ends badly.

If you have concerns about major controlling or DV behaviour on his part, if she's particularly vulnerable, then you might feel you are obliged to take action and inform the university yourself (but be aware your relationship with your daughter may never recover).

But if it's just the age gap that really bothers you and her growing up into a woman with her own desires and decisions to make? At 21 she's an adult who will have nearly finished university and will have students and work colleagues of all ages who she might form relationships with in the future. You need to get over that and let her live and make her own mistakes and be there to pick up the peaces.

He’s not a decent man. What would they have in common in terms of life experience, outlook, interests outside of the area of study? We all know why he’s interested in her. She will look back on this and shudder.

He doesn’t sound a remotely decent man at all.

Very inappropriate. I work at a university and think any relation between student and faculty is inappropriate. I have worked in a place where one of our younger lecturers (early 30s) had a relationship with a Master student in her late 20s. I think that's inappropriate too - it's not (just) the age difference, it's the power dynamic that's the issue.

I realise that you can't forbid it but I wouldn't be as accepting as you. You say you'd rather she tell you Thai stuff but what's the point if you do or say nothing about it ?

This. It should be against uni policies.

*pieces

Each university will have their own policy and these may be searchable online.

I meant "fellow students". Need coffee!

It’s utterly disgusting. I would think something had gone seriously wrong for her to embark upon a relationship with an unethical sleazy creep.

They really won't be OK with a student professor relationship, even if told about it. Every university has guidance on this and none of it says it's OK crack on as long as you tell us. All her previous modules will have to be scrutinused. He will be professionally compromised and if there is any evidence of coercion, favour, or unprofessional behaviour he will loose his job. His professional reputation will be compromised and he will be supervised to an increased level. Accommodation can bé made for the relationship to continue but there will be consequences for him and the daughter who will have credabilty issues among her peers.
If you think acedemic institutions don't take this seriously then you are wrong. They are rightly very concerned about the potential fallout.
And there is nó way this creep has got to 55 and this is the first 21 year old, or younger, he has found attractive and used his power to get into bed.

It’s grim, but she is technically an adult. I would be….studiously non committal, lots of “hmmmmmms” and “that’s nice darling” when she talks about him, then be there for her when it (inevitably) all goes tits up. Unless she started taking about doing something really silly, like marrying him, then I would probably be a bit more direct. She will more than likely grow out if it, and him!

Report him to the university. If they haven’t declared it he will be in trouble and if they have it does no harm.
These relationships are frowned upon and heavily discouraged at universities if they cannot legally be banned completely. It helps when colleagues are made aware because they can do things like discretely warn future victims off choosing the sleaze as a dissertation supervisor, or warn grad students he’s a sleaze and they don’t have to put up with any inappropriate behavior.

Good. I'm glad these rules are in place.

She's an adult. It's a massive age gap and the power imbalance is a major red flag, but... she's an adult and free to make her own mistakes.

If you and your husband disapprove and make it known to her, she's more likely to dig her heels in. At most I'd be asking her to consider the power dynamic and think about whether he could have an impact on her degree, either directly or indirectly if they broke up.

At 21 it's a bit of a thrill to be with someone who's a lot more mature and more financially secure than the students around her. But in time it's more than likely that the age gap will cause issues and they'll break up, so I'd be tempted to let it all play out.

And be there to pick up the pieces.

I've put that you are not being unreasonable just because your daughter is 21 so you can't not accept her relationship really without risking your entire relationship her and pushing them closer together.
I think you are being a bit unreasonable though in thinking he's a decent man.. I'd have serious concerns about a man that age going out with someone your daughters age when he has been in a position of poser over her.
But all you can do really here is be there for her... try and warn her in a way that isn't too confrontational and doesn't push her away from you.. be there for her when it all inevitably comes crashing down.
Your DHs approach isn't going to be helpful as it will just make it seem more romantic and taboo to her which will push them closer together. So I don't think it's a case of accepting or not accepting I think it's a case of warning her of the potential for exploitation and just being neutrallly polite when they are together. And just waiting for her to hopefully realise what a waste of time it is for her once she gets over the initial thrill of it.