to accept my DD’s relationship with her professor?

[hebees]

DH says it’s disgusting. DD is 21 and capable of making her own decisions, her partner (55) seems a decent man. I think it’s completely acceptable in this country and she can make her own mistakes.

I really wouldn't be over the moon if it were my daughter and a man with potential power over her who is so much older. However all you can do is keep an eye and be really to help her if it goes tits up. Hopefully she will realize that a chap that old is no fun when you are 21. I hope still hangs out with friends her own age and not the granddad set.

This wouldn't be allowed at my uni either. You should report him OP. He's probably done this to lots of female students - you could be protecting someone in the future.

What a bizarre attitude you have, OP. The very least you can do to protect your daughter is to raise the issue with the university. If it's all above board (doubtful), no harm no foul.

Your username is on point, OP.

Your post have me the hebeejebees.

Hope DD is abstract.

you can probably find out the rules by googling the university's name and something about staff student relationships.

You can't tell her what not to do at this age obviously but if her own mum is backing the relationship (when I'm sure you can see the clear problems she can't) it might entrench her in staying in it.

I agree that he probably gets a new student every year or two.

It's disgusting. Why do you think he is a decent man? He absolutely is not. He's a creepy old pervert abusing his position.

I appreciate what you're saying though about not wanting to fall out with your DD. I'm not sure how I'd handle it.

Could you contact the Uni in confidence saying you're concerned?

I definitely think keeping conversations up and not “banishing” and dismissing your daughter is the right approach. No ultimatums etc - don’t push her away. But it’s not ok.

Are you in the US? In the UK most unis have a policy banning this now for undergraduates, but not sure about PhDs, quite a lot of academics have met their partners when they were PhDs, but that would be older than 21 which is why I ask.

Don't worry, it won't last, she is stretching her wings. Let her get on with it and grimace inside yourself.

Think about it for a minute, he's 55, do you honestly think he hasn't done this before!

Heebee jeebees indeed

A decent man 🤣 can you imagine how many young students he's slept with over the years?

When I was at secondary school, a student in the year above started a relationship with one of the teachers when she left school (age 16/17). He was fired immediately, or encouraged to resign.

I'd be very surprised if the university would permit this even if he is not actively teaching her.

FWIW I think it's way too big an age gap and question men that would date women less than half of their age.

Unsettlingly, I assumed my uni had banned it but it just 'strongly advises' staff not to have any relations with students and makes them declare it if they do. I don't think that's robust enough. I haven't heard of UG/professor relationships in a long time.

It's disgusting but I agree with you on the part where you said she's an adult and will make her own mistakes. Just as you said if you cause a secen she will do it anyway and not tell you. I would keep my mouth shut. And be there when it goes wrong.

I'm surprised the university would accept it declared or not but unless you call and ask and let's be honest they will question your daughter and the professor and she will know it was you or her dad.

It's all well and good saying the OP is not doing enough but her daughter is an adult.

I wouldn't like it either but the worst thing you can do is isolate your daughter by kicking off too much and driving a wedge in your relationship.

I'd try and keep as neutral as possible on him. The more you kick back the more it turns into some sort of giant love story. Better to be a phase that she hopefully learns from.

My view is you can protect her better by keeping her close and letting her know that you support her whether you agree with her choices or not.

I absolutely understand your position OP.

At 21 she will hardly be told!

But we would be devastated at this and my stomach churns at the idea.

I certainly do not think this is appropriate and I would be hugely surprised at it being allowed.

I wouldn't dream of interfering and reporting him as I would want to keep my hands super clean.

However, I imagine one of my friends wouldn't have a problem getting their hands mucky and reporting this.

The power imbalance is completely unprofessional and unacceptable and I find it hard to believe any reputable institution would sanction this dynamic.

Well, not throwing tantrums and threatening to cut her off is definitely the right thing. But no, this is NOT okay and I'd be surprised if the university is okay with it if he met her while teaching her. It would be bad enough if, for example, he was a professor in another department and they met at the pub. But if he was in an actual position of power over her and now, surprise surprise, 2 months later they're dating?!

Personally, I'd report it to the university if that's an option. I'd also be doing some light cyber stalking to see if this is normal. I'd be (gently) pointing out to DD that this really isn't okay and that the age difference is just one aspect of why not. And I'd be prepared to pick up the pieces when she ages out of his interest zone (DiCapprio style) or he drops her for someone else. I'd also be looking out for other red flags to do with controlling, manipulative and inappropriate behaviour.

I know this is a bit petty, but I'm trying to imagine DD at 21 bringing home a 51 year old man. I'll be 60 myself so he'll be closer in age to me than to her by a significant margin and at 21, she might technically be an adult but let's all be honest with ourselves - our relationships with our children at that age are still more parent-child than adult-adult. ICK. Ditto, imagine he takes her round to a friend's house for dinner? What is she supposed to do? hang out with his friend's teenagers or sit with his much older friends?

Your husband is right.

The university should not be on board with any such relationship.

I’m a lecturer. This is considered an abuse of power. New rules were brought in for us a number of years ago. We have an institutional policy published publicly on relationships. Where a relationship does occur, it must be declared to the line manager/ head of department/ dean. If someone knows of a relationship between staff member and student, it needs to be reported to HR.

I would check her university policy. Googling [university name] staff student relationships should bring it up.

Yukkkkk 🤢 I’m with your husband . Not only he probably abused his position but it’s a 34 year gap . Would I try to break them up , no . Would I be happy and engage with him , no !

To add, they aren’t outright banned because they are adults, but there are important steps taken to ensure the student is not exploited, abused, or advantaged by having a relationship with a lecturer. Aka heavily discouraged.

Even so, that's pretty bloody unethical - he could be sacked. You could report him anonymously maybe?

When I was at university a long time ago there was a politics lecturer who regularly had affairs. It was known as the horizontal route to a 2:1 - he'd choose the brightest female students and love bomb them, then dump them at the start of third year. They'd be destroyed as they'd watch him then with his new girlfriend (and yes, he was married, of course) and then the student would do badly that year, thus getting a 2:1 instead of a 1st. Truly awful.