to accept my DD’s relationship with her professor?

[hebees]

DH says it’s disgusting. DD is 21 and capable of making her own decisions, her partner (55) seems a decent man. I think it’s completely acceptable in this country and she can make her own mistakes.

this

Grim. Dh is 55, dd is 21 - if he was attracted to her friends I’d find that disgusting. Not much you can do but hope it fizzles out.

University lecturers are not teachers. For starters, safeguarding is very different.

This is so so grim. Is she low in confidence or something? I can't imagine your average 21 year old girl/woman would want to be with a 55 year old man, im 39 and 55 would be too old even for me. Surely there's some sort of neurodiverse thing going on or your daughter can't find anyone interested in her her own age?

This! All this speaks volumes about you OP

We have had these age gap teacher/pupil threads quite often recently...

Jesus Christ.

OK : No, no, no, no and NO.

You should not be accepting this relationship. But you have to tread very carefully not to drive her further into it. Pretending to accept it and keeping the door open for her may be the only option for now. Your DH's judgements will not help.

I wish to God my parents had helped me to see the awfulness of my (eventually abusive) relationship with a much older ex-teacher instead of freaking out, rejecting me, and driving me away (towards him). I was a bit younger (19) but as others have said the power dynamic is totally imbalanced. He is, by definition, a fucking creep.

He is disgusting, this is a completely unacceptable relationship, the age gap is far too big and he is a professor at her university, he is not a decent person.

Don't blame her or push her away - but your DH is right- and no, you shouldn't accept it.

She is 'of age' but also being manipulated/abused by someone in a position of power over her. There are reasons why this is against rules in educational establishments these days.

We had creepy lecturer (also in his 50s) at our place who had a new girl every year or so. Each thought she was 'the one'. All were dropped eventually - but not until after they had missed opportunities offered by normal uni life. He messed them up but they had no idea at the time.

Yes, like doctors are not permitted to shag patients, police not shag victims of crime they deal with, therapists not shag clients, etc etc. It's not a hard concept to say that your job excludes you from sexual relationships. But you can be accommodated if everything is above board, patients changing doctors etc. But you should do all this before you start the shagging.

This creepy old man will undoubtedly have form for this.
No wonder you’d let husband is unhappy, @hebees .

Edit “
No wonder your husband is unhappy about this”.

This is so wrong ...
That fact you don't think so is strange

100% this

DD is a full adult, not 16 with a teacher this is a 21 year old with the choice and full autonomy. It may be uncomfortable and definitely has an air of power abuse but I can't think of many kids who will hear your partner is no good and promptly listen and ditch them. Far more likely she will see OP as someone not to defer to and that is more dangerous.

University's often have advice and suggested policies but if he is not her current lecturer or tutor it can be really hard to enforce.

Decent man 😂😂😂

This sleazebag is so far from being a decent man, it's untrue.

I understand you not wanting to push her away, but you are allowed to voice your valid concerns. If she's nature enough to date someone not far off retirement, she should be mature enough to listen openly, to your concerns.

If she has a tantrum and storms off, then she is immature and not ready for a power imbalance relationship.

Leave her to it. It wont last. And if it does and they are happy, good for them.

No, I don't think so. I believe at mine it had to be declared. I suppose it would be a draconian blanket rule and not that applicable say if a 45 year old mature student met a professor their own age who didn't teach them throughout. I expect the uni would try and ensure that the student wasn't supervised or marked by staff member.

Your daughter is an adult - but even adults need advice some times. Of course, you don't want to alienate your daughter but why not take her out for a mother and daughter meal or to a spa and ask her where does she see herself in 10 years time? She'll be 31 and perhaps wanting a family. He'll be 65 and probably not so keen on starting (another) one. He'll have retired. She'll be furthering her career. Can those things be dealt with without pain?

Grim is my first reaction.
So many reasons why it isn't a good idea. But at 21 I don't know what you can do about it other than voice concerns (which you don't seem to have). I'm with your DH on this, I wouldn't be happy either.

Yikes. No. Gross. That kind of thing hasn't been even turned a blind eye to for at least 2 years. Why a wrong 'un.

All relationships should be declared. Where there is an existing relationship, or a small age gap with someone in a completely different discipline, that would obvs be ok, but line managers should be made aware to protect both parties.

Where the power or age imbalance is large relationships would be a disciplinary matter.

OfS doesn't like unis facilitating grooming weirdly enough. And this is what this is if it's real

She can emailing safeguarding at her dd's uni. Email address will be on the website.

And the OP should drag her to said therapy?

I totally agree this is wrong on many levels, and I am shocked that the university permits it (I somehow doubt they do) because if she has ever been taught by him he has had the opportunity to groom her, but...

I agree with the OP. The OP doesn't like it but what exactly are people realistically expecting her to do. Disown her daughter? Drag her to therapy? Tell her she's wrong? This is a 21 year old adult who is legally entitled to make their own mistakes and to sleep with whoever they wish to. It isn't what the OP wants - I can't see many of us would think it a good idea or something we would wish for. But if she goes against it her daughter could be at greater risk than she already is.

Personally OP, in your shoes I would make it clear from the outset that I have concerns, that I don't think his actions are appropriate or sincere, but that I am also not willing to lose my relationship with her over this. If she/he are genuinely "in love" then I will be happy to accept that I am wrong. But if it all goes pear shaped I am always here for her, and so I will not say anything further on the matter.

It'll go pear shaped. We all know that. But we also know that most 21 year olds are not as wordly wise as they think they are, and the only 21 year olds who ever had any sense were ourselves (not!). Trying to break them up or intervene will do more harm than good. But at least she has age to explain her stupidity, and will be able to fall back on that excuse later on.

But in the university's shoes, I would be suspending him from duties - that is a whole different ballgame and they aren't his parents. They don't need to support him, they need to stop him.

I have a colleague (academic) who recently retired. He always was in a relationship with one undergraduate or another l, certainly for the 15 years I worked with him and I'm pretty sure before that. These relationships were entirely open - the couple would attend University social events etc together, no secrecy. The relationships would last 1-2 years, and I never saw any bitterness or trouble afterwards, quite the opposite.

The only time I raised it was with a group of women colleagues - I was giving them a lift back from a departmental meal out, and was critical of him. All of them were vehement in their defence of him, seemingly on the grounds that he was a lovely, kind, supportive man and a 'fantastic listener.' Whatever he had - and it wasn't looks - it seemed to be a universal spell.

The last young woman he was with - when he was in his early/mid 60s - pretty much took him apart, though, financially and emotionally. That was embarrassing (but also a bit satisfying) to watch.

I understand you don’t want to lose your daughter and her willingness to confide in you. That is perfectly understandable and yes, that is the ultimate goal.

But.

He is not decent. 55 and 21? Is he older than her father, your husband? It’s creepy regardless because he is actually even old enough to be her grandfather. Can you not see why your dh finds this predator disgusting?

The incredibly large age gap is very much a factor in the power and influence he wields having been her teacher. That is why a relationship with someone her own age who perhaps had once been in a position of power would be a concern but not always wrong.

In this case in all sorts of ways it is creepy, unethical, and unprofessional.

However, you do have the reality to deal with: what can you do about it without harming your relationship with your daughter.

Keeping in mind there is going to be risk no matter what you do including and possibly especially if you do nothing, this is what I would do.

I’d have my husband (yes given the serious situation I would take charge of this and give orders) call the appropriate person, not email or letter, call and explain that professor who is 55 is soliciting a romantic and probably sexual relationship with a former student, your 21 year old daughter. Your husband should do it because he is the one who feels strongly about the ethics of this.

I bet the professor will drop your daughter posthaste.