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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to accept my DD’s relationship with her professor?

177 replies

hebees · 21/06/2023 15:39

DH says it’s disgusting. DD is 21 and capable of making her own decisions, her partner (55) seems a decent man. I think it’s completely acceptable in this country and she can make her own mistakes.

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 21/06/2023 16:09

And also in those days the brightest girls often hadn't had much experience with men before as they worked so bloody hard, so he was often the first person they'd slept with.

BinnityBoo · 21/06/2023 16:09

I'm in an age gap relationship, DH is 47 and I'm 28. Age gaps really depend on the context/stage in life and I really disagree with a professor dating a student. I've worked in education most of my adult life and at my current university, I know for definite this would absolutely not be permitted under any circumstances and would be grounds for dismissal. Besides the point of just being totally frowned upon.

It's a huge power play on his part and quite frankly, rather disgusting. I personally think 21 is way too young to be dating someone 30+ years senior who is also in a position of power.

storminamooncup · 21/06/2023 16:10

Completely against the rules at the university I used to work at

I think my own DD would know better because unlike you, I'd kill her and she knows that.

You as a parent are every bit as disgusting as this man especially if you don't lodge any complaint

bibbityboppityboo · 21/06/2023 16:11

Hopefully she'll get a first!

PurpleChrayne · 21/06/2023 16:11

Can't say I'd be particularly pleased if my daughter took up with a sleazy old nonce but fill your boots, as they say!

fruitbrewhaha · 21/06/2023 16:11

Her partner? How long have they been together if you are referring to him as her partner?

ilikeeggs · 21/06/2023 16:12

i think it’s totally wrong and I’d be informing the university who I’m sure would take a dim view on it.

Weal · 21/06/2023 16:12

Oh lord what a wholly inappropriate relationship. A man in his 50s and in his position should know so much better than to get into relationship with someone so young. What’s wrong with him!! I wouldn’t want my 20 odd year old child wasting their predacious youth with someone approach retirement in the next decade.

Op I do understand you don’t want to push her away or to stop her sharing with you. However I wonder if there is a balance you can strike whereby you let her know your concerns but without going in hard and pushing her away. I mean you can’t MAKE her do anything anyway…but I’d have to say something.

SideWonder · 21/06/2023 16:13

hebees · 21/06/2023 15:41

Yes, she’s still a student there but not taking his modules next year and no, it started after as far as I know.

Yes it is disgusting. The professor is behaving unconscionably - it would be a disciplinary matter at my university - in the UK. He is totally out of order.

And your DD risks not really earning her degree. At least, her peers will assume she is sleeping her way to a degree.

GettingStuffed · 21/06/2023 16:16

I had a relationship with the same age difference when I was her age, it was as much initiated by me as him, just chemistry. It didn't last Mrs than a few months but it was great fun.

let her be and let her make her own decisions.

DaaamnYoullDo · 21/06/2023 16:16

You can't fight her over it because you'll just push her to him. You need to be able to be there for her, don't make her have to prove you wrong. From experience. I gave 10 years of my life to an abusive older man because I couldn't admit my parents were right. But God don't encourage or accept it.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 21/06/2023 16:16

If the Dean of the Faculty knew this man would be in serious trouble. Are they open about the relationship on campus? Have they talked long term? Id she sure when she graduates that he wont just move on to the next gullible student? I bet he has done this in the past.

MimiGC · 21/06/2023 16:16

You say she isn't taking his modules now, which implies he is a member of staff in her department. Age difference is concerning, but ultimately a red herring - it's an abuse of power and would be even if she was a mature student. It's totally unethical and I'd be surprised if the university didn't have guidelines/rules against it. Most do. And yes, your daughter is likely just one of many students over the years. The member of staff should be stopped.

SeaSaltAir · 21/06/2023 16:17

This seems unbelievable

SideWonder · 21/06/2023 16:17

I used to work in a department with a colleague who slept with students. He was known for it.

I used to have to deal with the fall out amongst the young women he didn’t “choose” - as they saw it.

Male academics who behave like this are sleazy.

QueenVerilas · 21/06/2023 16:17

I doubt she’s the first student he has done this with. In fact I am sure there are many, many more before her.

Peachy2005 · 21/06/2023 16:18

YABU if you haven’t reported him…if not to protect your own daughter (!) to protect other future students.

HerVagestyTheQueef · 21/06/2023 16:18

Gross. And unprofessional. He's a sleazeball. How can you not mind??!!

ClawedButler · 21/06/2023 16:18

Yes, sadly OP I don't think there's anything you can really do. She's an adult, and can make her own decisions.

I can't imagine how incensed I'd have been if my parents had tried to interfere in my relationships at that age, however ill-advised they might have been.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 21/06/2023 16:19

It's a completely and wholly inappropriate relationship and an abuse of power and is predatory in nature.

The bare minimum for me (and I know others will disagree) is the age gap should at least be less years than the younger party has been alive. 34 v 21 here is so wrong.

He was 34 when he was born ffs. There is a complete imbalance of life experience, power, etc.

YoungWild · 21/06/2023 16:19

I am married to someone I work with in an organisation. Once we declared it and they are aware organisations don't mine. The same for a university. They will have an issue when they find out and they haven't been told.

Diddykong · 21/06/2023 16:22

I'm an academic and when you are with 21 year olds all day you realize how young and child-like they still are. There is no way I would ever want to date one of them!

She definitely needs to check whether this has been declared because even if he's not teaching her next semester, his marking for her work could be disregarded on previous modules if people find out and it hasn't been declared. Totally unprofessional.

ButterCrackers · 21/06/2023 16:22

Make sure she has an std check up because he must have been around. Be there for her when the new term starts and she’s dumped.

IsThisReallyPC · 21/06/2023 16:24

In the middle of Irish family history research.
Most of my forbears married with huge age gaps
eg just a few 3xampl3s
grandparents 21 & 54, 17 & 40
great grandparents 13 & 53 ( I’m really hoping someone got her age wrong there but it doesn’t look like it )

etc etc etc.

All the younger ages are the women.
I admit it feels really cringey as, let’s face it, we re all thinking about their sex life aren’t we.
I would find it cringeworthy but I wouldn’t criticise my dc as she is old enough to make her own decision on this.

evuscha · 21/06/2023 16:24

Wow. I am generally not against age gaps in relationships - but more along the lines of 15-20 years tops, 34 years is massive! That and the power imbalance, and the suspicion that he likely makes a habit of dating students…

That being said, giving her a hard time over it will achieve nothing. It will only stop her discussing it with you but she will do her own thing anyway, she’s an adult. It might be better to keep the lines of communication open, let her know it’s not exactly ok but ultimately you are here for her.

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