to accept my DD’s relationship with her professor?

[hebees]

DH says it’s disgusting. DD is 21 and capable of making her own decisions, her partner (55) seems a decent man. I think it’s completely acceptable in this country and she can make her own mistakes.

The OP doesn't like it but what exactly are people realistically expecting her to do

OP isn't actually that bothered - she only became bothered when everyone responded that it was was actually something to be very concerned about.

In any case, OP can and should get in contact with her dd's uni safeguarding team.

As the 21yo, I would find that unforgiveably interfering if my parents emailed the safeguarding team at my Uni. Even if every single Uni in UK bans all their staff from ever having a relationship with a current undergrad, necessitating either divorce or job resignation if the spouse of an existing staff member decides to sign up for a course, absolutely no exceptions ever.

Which is what PP implied must be true.

also being manipulated/abused by someone in a position of power over her.

You don't know that and the OP certainly didn't suggest that.

Why on earth would a fresh-faced 21 year old want a 55 year old man?
It's totally gross and inappropriate.

Probably for the same reason my friend had sex with her lecturer. She was hoping for better grades.

This seems like an episode of Friends.

I would report him to the authorities and those at the top of the university. I would bet that she is not the first one he messed with!

That was usually related to the man not inheriting the farm until middle age, and wanting a wife young enough to produce an heir to inherit said farm.

If they were at my university the staff member would need to declare it. It is strongly advised against as there us an obvious VP imbalance if power. She might not be taking his modules but he will almost certainly be sitting on assessment boards that will confirm her results.

No idea where the VP came from! Imbalance of power.

What is your dds previous relationship experience? Has she had long term partners, with people her own age, or older men. I wonder if this the first man who has paid her much attention. Predatory men can sniff out vunerable women like sharks can sniff out blood.

sorry for the italics, accidental finger slip.

Why on earth would a fresh-faced 21 year old want a 55 year old man?* * It's totally gross and inappropriate.

Doesn't seem to bother the stream of gorgeous young women hanging off the arm of the likes of Leonardo di Caprio or others of his ilk does it? And there are a whole host of couples who have been married for many years with more than 20+ years between their ages.

Let's face it, young women have been with older men forever and young men with older women. It's only inappropriate if one party is there because the older one has exerted some kind of coercion, power play or grooming. For many people it works. It wouldn't be my choice, nor would I be happy if my adult child was in such a relationship, but a 21 yr old is an adult and is perfectly entitled to decide who he/she sleeps with.

Yes, an affair with one of the professors was practically a rite of passage back then.

Yes, an affair with one of the professors was practically a rite of passage back then.

Thankfully times have moved on and people have realised how inappropriate it is.

Do you seriously not know what a man of 55 would find attractive about a 21 year old?

@ClareBlue unfortunately the buying of young women’s silence is, or was, quite widespread as reported in the Guardian a few years ago. It is very difficult to get exact figures.

I'm a lecturer and this would absolutely not be acceptable. I don't think you want to out your daughter and damage your relationship with her, but one day, when they break up, I would be reporting it to the university.

He may not necessarily be leading any of the modules she is taking (next year? what about this year?), but unless he is in biology and she is in history of art, he will almost certainly be involved in marking her assessments, potentially be expected to supervise her dissertation and/or mark it. It's incredibly unprofessional, never mind creepy. They are adults, but he is in a position of authority over her, so the power dynamic is all wrong.

He may not necessarily be leading any of the modules she is taking (next year? what about thisyear?), but unless he is in biology and she is in history of art, he will almost certainly be involved in marking her assessments, potentially be expected to supervise her dissertation and/or mark it. It's incredibly unprofessional, never mind creepy. They are adults, but he is in a position of authority over her, so the power dynamic is all wrong.

Exactly, in my faculty we all get involved in marking, moderation and supervision across a range of modules......it's not just about the teaching

I'd be careful not to alienate her but I worked for a long time in HE and there are predators who go after young and vulnerable students every cohort.

Makes me cringe this still goes on.

She won't be his first and she won't be his last

I agree with the OPs DH on this one. Even if they were not at university nor had ever worked together.

The 55 year old man may be 'decent' in the sense that he does not take illegal drugs, is not an alcoholic, has no history of violence or coercive control, but that still does not stop me thinking it is disgusting.

Very unethical if he's in a teaching position. However, these sort of relationships are as old as the world itself. And she's being 21, oh well... let her make her own mistakes.

@Honeychickpea - of course I do. Theoretically. I wanted people to think about what could attract him - apart from her youth and beauty, of course... 🙄

In our family it was because the man’s first wife died after already having loads of kids and he needed someone to look after all the kids,

Inheriting farm 🤣🤣 they only inherited the rental and only at the behest of the Landlord? Catholics very rarely owned farms, they weren’t allowed.

These were generally arranged marriages through the local Matchmaker.

The Land Act of 1923 allowed those who were formerly tenants to buy their land, so your grandparents and great grandparents were most likely land owners.