To wonder if there comes a point where you just have to give up work?

[Bluewatersummer]

I’m hopefully not there yet. But while I wish I could be very feminist about this the fact is DH earns a lot more than me and he always will, his talents lie where money is.

With one child we have managed through a combination of part time, taking turns to take time off when needed, and some good luck as well - haven’t had a lot of sickness to contend with. However, I’m due my second any day now and I’m wondering about a whole host of stuff.

It’s going to be so difficult when DC1 starts school and when DC2 is in nursery, reliance on wraparound care and rushing from A to B to C. I don’t honestly know if it is just easier for everyone - not just me - if one parent gives up work and just has their ‘job’ the children and house. Which isn’t very feminist but would potentially make a big difference to stress levels! Honestly wondering what others think: I’m not making any big decisions just yet.

my concern has always been missing out on the benefits of work beyond salary, mostly pension and sick leave (which are both very generous at my employer), and keeping my hand in for when kids are older. Do you have the option for part time and/or WFH?

I wouldn’t
you lose more than salary - you lose pension / NI
can be harder to return dependent on sector and you have lost skills
you become financially dependent on your DH and that leaves you vulnerable
if your DH earns a lot then you hopefully have more childcare options open to you ?

I am part time, but if I have to stay part time it does inevitably mean I’ll stay where I am career wise - which I don’t actually mind - and don’t earn much, don’t have much pension etc. Plus all the rushing around hassle still falls on me so it feels a bit like the worst of both worlds if I’m really honest.

Obviously people cope, but it depends on a lot of other factors I guess, whether you'd be miserable doing either option.

We have 3 kids and up until April last year both worked full time. I then dropped down to 4 days a week as after 5 years of doing what you describe, I wasn't really coping. We could take the financial hit though, so we had the option. Others might not!

When would you feel ready to go back? It does get easier once they are all at school so all out for the majority of the day but you are looking at a good few years out of work if that's when you'd go back.

Sit down and talk with your husband. A couple of things to consider:

1. could you simply take a career break for a couple of years until both DC are in full time school
2. if you take a career break, will your career suffer
3. pension & NI: you need to think about this, could you afford to pay into a private pension while not working, to make sure you have a back-up for when you're older
4. would you go stir crazy or enjoy being at home? Do you have a skill that you could turn into a work-from-home business?

All the above said, only you and your DH can really decide as you know your financial situation best.

Congrats on DC2 and good luck for the birth.

That's what we did. Lower earning partner went SAHP but did a few weeks freelance every year to get some money and keep a foot in the world of work (and something non-child!).
With children at late primary they have now gone part-time and the stress of sorting out school holiday childcare is very real.

So finances were tight, the children got a lot of family time, it worked well for us. Not everyone can afford it, and there are risks as mentioned above by others. Also resentment of the inbalance (earner vs 'cost') is a real thing.

I thank my lucky stars that I didn't give up work and powered through, even when giving up work and becoming a SAHM would have been much easier.

Because when he decided to have a mid-life-crisis, start taking testosterone and body building, and then cocaine and then sleeping around, I had no worries about ending it. I had the financial freedom and career prospects that gave me the security to be able to do that. And that's lucky, because he walked away from the kids and after years we're still negotiating maintenance for them.

I never would have dreamed that that's the way it would go, but I was grateful that I wasn't unemployed/unemployable and worrying about how I would support my kids/keep a roof over my head/not be impoverished in my old age.

Thé thing you need to ask yourself is:

In ten years time, you and you DH are separated. What does your financial situation look like? Pension?

I worked full time with my first two DC, two under two. Became a SAHM once my third was born, and have now been back at work for 5 years when DC4 was 4. The demands of being a parent never relent, they just change. (My DC are now 7-14).

My pension took a hit for those 7 years as a SAHM. I was lucky my career didn't suffer (teacher with no aspirations to become head).

If I was you, I would continue working. Use some of your money to get a cleaner to free up your time. But keep plugging away.

Why does all the 'rushing and hassle' fall on you?

Why does your DH get to concentrate on work and nothing else?

Why has becoming a parent changed your life but not your DHs?

Why isn't your DH doing half of nursery runs, arranging wraparound care etc if he's not willing/able to adjust his working hours to accommodate his parental responsibilities?

That's what you need to be discussing with your DH rather than jumping straight to 'well I might as well give up work, my independence and my pension'.

Read The Motherhood Penalty. It will encourage you to keep your hand in at work, even part time

I gave up massive City job for 6 years until second started school earned about £8k pa from home during those years. Loved my uninterrupted stress free time with them.

Set up my own business when youngest started school. Was the best option for us - have supportive fab Dh though and a professional skill.

I became a SAHM as my DHs job involved international travel and would have been very tricky for him to at the time. Youngest is a teenager almost and DH is retired now so we're both SAHPs. I don't know how people juggle everything to be honest, I'm really glad we didn't have to.

Cleaners really don’t solve many problems in my experience, sadly! Maybe if I had one coming every day

So for example the last week before I started maternity leave DC was unwell, couldn’t go to nursery, DH was working away, big stress … and that’s going to be multiplied with two.

If we had local family to help it would be different but we just don’t. It’s obviously unfair for me and for my employers / colleagues to be hit all the time BUT equally we also sort of have to prioritise the higher paid job.

I’m just musing out loud really. Pension is a consideration, as are some other factors.

We did it by spending more on childcare - although to be fair my salary wasn't that far behind his (it just felt that way because part time/freelance etc). We had a nanny share, which minimised juggling - no worries about sick children, school holidays, being stuck late at work etc etc.

As above, this was invaluable in giving me a voice in the household, and making it possible for me to initiate divorce.

I think it's doable if your marriage is very stable, the one earning the money is in a gold-plated career and perfect health, you have good insurance and you both go in with eyes wide open, but you do have to accept there is a risk in getting yourselves in a situation where only one of you has earning power.

I did exactly that OP - we moved and logistics meant that it would be really hard to continue my part-time role while juggling nursery etc. OH is a high earner but obviously I was still worried about losing an income.

Personally it was the best decision - so much less stress for me (for various practical reasons the ferrying the kids about would have fallen to me in our new location) . And I went back to work when my youngest started school and it's fine.

I was terrified I was making the wrong decision because it was a good job but I don't miss it, and if I lived nearer I could go back (but actually decided to try something different).

Obviously this doesn't work for everyone but we are lucky enough to not have to worry about money too much.

I've loved having a break and not having to worry about childcare in school holidays etc. And now I'm enjoying doing a new job.

Oh and everyone on MN told me it was too risky to leave my job. Perhaps a financial disaster will hit or we will split up, but on balance it's good so far...

Personally I think it’s anti-feminist for a women to have to give birth and then go out to work, it’s also not very kind to the child either.
having worked in childcare, I can tell you these children who spend all day in a childcare setting are not happy and a lot of the parents refuse to acknowledge it as they’re too busy with work and life.
I understand many women have no choice but to work, but if you’re husband earns enough or you’re able to make cutbacks to stay home, then I think that’s the kindest thing to do for your child.

Oh and I should say that my DH is incredibly hands-on as a parent - does school run as much as me, bedtimes etc. Apparently from what I read on MN that's not always the case, so perhaps factor that in to my previous response too...

It’s not unfeminist to stay at home, provided you have a choice and a positive relationship with your DH. Imo it is pro-feminist to have the option to care for your children full time.

I think it all boils down to whether you would enjoy it, whether your DH will be a dick about money/expect you to be the house slave and what your long-term career plans are (if any). Also consider what kind of position you will be in if he dies or divorces you.

I did it all the other way around so I had 3 dcs relatively close in age and pre 32 years old . I worked minimal hours completely around the dcs when they were small and my dh was the main earner. We paid into my own pension account. I strongly dislike crèche /nursery pre 3 years old (that’s my personal opinion) and tbh the amount of illness dcs seem to get there is insane and with 3 dcs that amount of illness all the time would have been too much for us to handle… We have family but absolutely no support whatsoever. We have zero options of ad hoc care ( plenty of friends but they all have family support).
Now all my dcs are in school I’m back working in my career but it is a massive juggle with my dh and yes it is stressful but I think it’s good long term as I’m in my late 30’s and have (hopefully ) years left of working .
Im glad I didn’t work like this when they were young and I absolutely don’t subscribe to the mn idea that if you stop it’s impossible to get back in again but maybe that’s v dependant on career and for me having qualified in my field pre kids was the most important thing.
I also think some parents can become depressed and isolated at home, I had no support network but was lucky in that I live in an area with incredible scenery and outdoors so spent so much time with all my little ones outside that I found it overall a good time although of course tough sometimes. I do think it was way less stressful as now I’m working again I can’t imagine having to do that and deal with and leave small dcs, also sleep deprivation etc. Buuuuuut in some ways childcare can be easier as nursery all year round and long hours. …
Best of luck op whatever you decide and congrats!

My old job seemed to be “all or nothing”. There was no part time option / long hours / international travel. Realistically I was never going back there! Would never see my own baby - fuck that!

Now mine are teens I’m soooo glad I had those years with them.

Oh I don’t know about that @Sarahtm35 ! Believe me we would all know about it if DC1 was not happy and I do genuinely feel some childcare is positive, even if that’s only plonking them in a crèche for an hour at the gym while you have a coffee in peace totally never done this

But absolutely watertight childcare is difficult, because with the best will in the world children do get unwell and then can’t attend.

Yes, this.

We have a 4yo and a 1yo and it wouldn't occur to me to give up work! I work part time but also some self-employed so some weeks more like full time, and my husband works 5 days, but he still does equal, perhaps even more, in terms of nursery runs, he is totally involved in morning routine, I don't find there's that much hassle or rushing when there are two equally involved parents.

We did try to work out a system where our hours complemented each other as much as possible, at the expense perhaps of seeing each other quite as much, but it means we are more flexible with the odd illness or whatever (that said, neither of us have had to take time off work to deal with a sick child, we've just juggled between us with flex hours, late starts/early finishes, etc.). We also both have WFH jobs that allows for more flexibility as no commute, when work is finished you're instantly available for kids, etc.

When the kids are at school I will up my hours, as at the moment I have two full days at home with them a week that I won't need, but I don't really feel like our l life is massively stressful or a hassle tbh. But we both pull our weight!

I actually don't know many women with kids who don't work in my friends circle, I think there is one SAHM, but the rest work at least part time and some full time, even those with very high-earning husbands (and quite a few of my female friends are high earners too).

Why do you not have much pension? You really need to sort that out, so you will probably need to keep working to boost it. Don’t rely on your DH for money. Develop your own career & money. It will be worth it.

I guess it's different here as our earning are too dissimilar to each other but the kids have been in FT childcare since 9 months each and we have equally split the responsibilities when they've been ill, the other week for example I stayed at home the morning but had a 2pm meeting so DH went in early morning and came home at lunchtime.

I can't remember the last time I emptied the dishwasher or hoovered, they're DH jobs, but I do all cooking as he really just doesn't like it whereas I do.

To ease the rushing, could you look for a wraparound childminder - who could also take baby#2 full time? That way its one drop off and one pick up and they're both in the same place.

I think in the short term, both parents working when children are young is really hard. Well I found it so anyway,and my DH did genuinely pull his weight. But longer term there are benefits.
When people used to say to me "Oh they're only little for a short time" implying that I would regret "missing out" on things because of work I would say to myself. "Yes, that's true. They are only little for a short time. Soon they will be bigger and their needs will be very different." And when I looked into the future I decided that it looked better for us all with me in work. So I put my head down and reminded myself that it was only for a short while. Now they are all grown up, I have no regrets. But it was tough at the time so I do empathise OP.