To wonder if there comes a point where you just have to give up work?

[Bluewatersummer]

I’m hopefully not there yet. But while I wish I could be very feminist about this the fact is DH earns a lot more than me and he always will, his talents lie where money is.

With one child we have managed through a combination of part time, taking turns to take time off when needed, and some good luck as well - haven’t had a lot of sickness to contend with. However, I’m due my second any day now and I’m wondering about a whole host of stuff.

It’s going to be so difficult when DC1 starts school and when DC2 is in nursery, reliance on wraparound care and rushing from A to B to C. I don’t honestly know if it is just easier for everyone - not just me - if one parent gives up work and just has their ‘job’ the children and house. Which isn’t very feminist but would potentially make a big difference to stress levels! Honestly wondering what others think: I’m not making any big decisions just yet.

Different things work for different people. I'm a planner and despite not getting married before my mid 30s, I had a strong maternal urge from when I was a child.

I had a career from 20 to 35 in the City, earnt a lot, bought my own house, stashed into a pension as part of the foundation for future security/choice re giving up work. By 34 I was burnt out, DH was earlier in his career and had excellent long term prospects. Therefore I could give up work and focus on the dc which I did for 7 years. It was marvellous and I got NI contrivutions for those years towards my state pension.

I went back to work part-time initially, in the public sector in my early 40s and was sponsored to do prof quals. 20 years on work at director level.

An au-pair sorted the DC after school, did the laundry, tidied their rooms and cooked their dinner. A cleaner cleaned.

It worked well for us and there has been little detriment regarding my pension. Full state contributions (35 years) and about 75% final salary occupational pension.

We took the decision jointly and could because of the pre marriage cushion I had. Also dh never questioned any household or child related expenditure and didn't for a second ever resent my personal expenditure.

Your scenario is different from both working similar jobs and being able to share childcare.
If he’s so much higher earning and away a lot You know it’s going to be you doing most of childcare for practical reasons.
I’d run through all the scenarios.
If a career break is right for your set up go for it.
i’d want to keep up skills either pt, training, re training.

I've worked full time, SAHM and part time over the past 6 years that I have been a mum.

Full time; incredibly difficult, always juggling, guilt from not being there and then guilt for my head not being in the game at work because I wanted to be with my DS. Needed a lot of support from grandparents at that time, wasn't sustainable for us.
SAHM; was pregnant and 2yo. Very enjoyable and stress free without time constraints. It was always going to be temporary but I did miss my job and felt a bit stressed about needing to work enough hours to revalidate and continue to be able to work my profession.
Parttime; definitely my favourite of the bunch. I'm lucky to work nightshift and tend to just do one a week so can easily work around the kids and I get to be at every drop off and pick up and never miss a school event but also continue professional development and maintain the career that I trained so hard to do.

Personally for us I wouldn't go SAHM again. We have been through a 6 month redundancy for my DH and I wouldn't risk not being able to immediately pick up shifts and be able to pay the mortgage while he looks for another job. Full time wouldn't work for us as we have no family support here.

part time work is the answer. I worked 3 days a week and it was a great balance. 2 year age gap, no family help. It all worked fine. Dc were in nursery initially, then nursery and school, then school and wraparound

Not sure about all the panic about illness. Yes they were off here and there, but only 3 days a week to cover between us so wasn’t that bad.

my dc are 9 and 11 so this was pre wfh days - it would actually be easier now with both of us having more flexibility. We still use the cm for wraparound and holidays as school holidays are long.

I wouldn’t want to give up work personally but I enjoy work, it’s good for me on many ways and worth the effort of juggling childcare.

@HotPenguin I think this is what I’ve been realising. Because if I insisted everything was equal I could potentially impede DHs career progression which would have more of an effect than my career progression stalling or stopping. Which is unfair but only in the sense that different jobs pay differently.

Interesting - we both work four days (compressed hours so basically full time) with two children and no family support. It's really fine but I agree that there are some important factors:

Neither of us have to travel frequently for work and we both WFH two days a week

Our children are sometimes ill but it's not that common - this whole school year, one has had one day off, that's it.

They don't need to spend most of their holiday in holiday club because we have 6 weeks of annual leave each - and they are fine with the 3 weeks or so that they do spend.

Our school wraparound is very reliable and 7:30-6:30 - we don't use the full hours but it's reassuring to know that if we are held up at work, it's alright

@Sarahtm35 yeah I don't know why he bothered to have kids if he's not going to be with them himself though? Letting you raise them? What's the point?

When someone has a name in their user name and are writing controversial things it's worthwhile taking what they say with a pinch of salt.

Women don't just earn less coincidentally though, it's a systemic and societal pay gap. Which gets entrenched by the exact choice you are making right now. So you either polarise the situation more and effectively sacrifice yourself for the good of the whole family system by stopping work (and slightly inevitably losing some of that adult time and role outside the home) or you trudge on juggling and everything is more difficult for everyone (but it passes, and flexible employment and good childcare can mitigate). There's no right answer to the conundrum, and both choices will have a heap of positives too, but one or both of you do need some flexibility to make both working work well. Personally I trudged on part time and I now have grown up children, a career I love and an improving pension. But I nearly burnt out.

I think the best arrangement is both parents working almost FT, but sensible hours and local / not much travel involved. We've always done this

I understand why you want to do this. It sounds like it would make your lives a lot easier.

I would say go for it as long as you want to, and aren’t being forced into this. Make sure money is shared equally and you have a pension.

if you start a new career from scratch at 40 you’ll have nearly 30 years until you retire. You can be a SAHM now and still have an incredible career.

Would it really? Given the way the tax system favours two earners plus your pension

Maybe I lack ambition in my career, but I didn't find it that hard to carry on after a few years off to do as you describe. It'd not be worth it to me to juggle full time work and family with under 8/9s, for logistical reasons I'd be burnt out and I knew this would be the whole process unenjoyable and relentless (even working as a team with DH).

Maybe if you have a high-flying career, but I don't and I have no interest in one, and fortunately I was easily able to get back to where I would have been anyway after about 2 years of working.

I had a short period of unpaid SAH (in those days you only got 12 weeks paid maternity leave). exH liked that period - he could swan off to work, stay late (beyond the hours he had to work). He could accept work assignments without having to give me or our family any consideration and would announce that he was off to the other end of the country or abroad, or arrange to take international calls in the evenings. Then because he 'worked so hard' he was entitled to family-free down time at weekends.

He would have been happy for that arrangement to continue. I was deeply unhappy, lonely, intelectually unfulfilled, and resentful at having to do the vast majority of the daily chores, planning etc. I returned to work 3 days a week and I felt like I got myself back. We used a local childminder. When I went back full time we had a nanny, invaluable when we had a second child.

Of course, entitled and selfish people don't change much and when exH and I divorced the process was so much easier because I already had a salary, child care arrangements etc.

Later I met dh2. We both worked, both contributed equally to household responsibiities, both contributed to finances (I earned more so I contributed more). At one point a teen dc had challenges and needed more support so work arrangements changed for a period to allow that to be managed. At another point one person was under terrible pressure at work and hapted their job, having 2 incomes enabled us to take the risk and for that person to establish their own business and become self-employed. We've been able to cover periods of our own ill health, various requirements to care for very elderly parents. Now we are retired with equal-ish pensions and completely equal access to spending money.

So, for me, whether it was in a relationship that broke down, or in one that has been stable for many years, it has been invaluable for me to work. And several of my closest friends are from work friendships.

I think I'm in a similar position to you OP. My husband is in the military and his job involves him being away from home a lot. Because we've moved around to different postings, we have no family nearby to help out in emergencies.

My dc are now in Y1 and preschool. I have muddled along with my job - I'm self-employed so admittedly pension is not something I get anyway. But if you are caring for children under age 12 you get NI credits.

I am stopping work in July. It got too much trying to juggle two different settings with the children, plus a house by myself, plus a job that allowed very little flexibility (I work in the courts so they sitting times are what they are).

It has taken me a long time to accept that stopping work is the best thing for me, my relationship and my family. I worked through my husband being on a 6 month deployment overseas last year so I know I can do it ... But the stress was overwhelming.

Do what feels right. I personally cannot wait for my last case to finish up next month! My and my husband will both contribute to the happiness of our family and the stability of the household, just in different ways. Team work makes the dream work

I partly agree @Parisj but if I’m honest I was never going to be a brain surgeon or equivalent. I do think that pay gaps are an issue though.

It's not specifically a sex role thing but in many couples there is one higher earner so it makes financial sense for them to spend the most hours working.

Often that is a man but hopefully that will change in future years and things might be more equal. As it is, the woman being on mat leave compounds the decision for the woman to then work hours, if the woman is the lower earner. Plus other work practicalities come into play - whose jobs can be done at home and whose can't, whose industries tend to be based in one or two locations and whose are everywhere (dictating where you live etc).

I see more and more dads working flexibly now so I think people are seeing the benefit.

I expect to work until I'm 70-75, so pension contributions in your 30s are not such a big deal as when retirement was expected at 60.

When mine were small, there was very little child care available. I stopped work for a while, because there was no alternative.

It’s fine to say that partners need to do their share and quite right if that’s a possibility. DH was always self employed and was out of the house from 6am to 7pm, so it made sense for me to be at home.

I did a bit of tutoring in the evening and some very part time, when I shared child care with a friend. I went part time when both were at school and all of my promotions came when I was full time, a few years later.

Do you want to reduce school run stress for a couple of years or do you want your children to grow up into workplaces where women are equals to men?

What does equal mean, though?

Equal amounts of stress on both parents?

Equal pay? That won’t happen realistically. A city banker won’t earn the same as a cleaner!

Equality and fairness aren’t the same.

I expect to work until I'm 70-75, so pension contributions in your 30s are not such a big deal as when retirement was expected at 60.

It's not just the payments themselves but the financial hit to a stalled career. I have no intentions of working in my 70s!

I don't think it makes you a bad feminist. There's always sacrifices to be made when it comes to kids, you either have to cut back on work and financial independence or you cut back on how much time you actually spend raising them. I am as feminist as they come and chose to focus on them rather than my career. I know it's not a popular opinion on here but I'm glad I did it.

If we want true equality in the workplace then we need to stop devaluing caring responsibilities and ensure that both women and men are supported to take on caring responsibilities if they need /want to.

Can’t see the point of the thread tbh. It’s clear from OPs posts that she’s minded to become a SAHM as she has a counter argument for every suggestion made.

Hopefully her DH is not the sort to see this as a green light to disengage even further from parental responsibility. The fact all of the rushing around already appears to fall on the OP, doesn’t bode well for the division of responsibilities in the future.