To wonder if there comes a point where you just have to give up work?

[Bluewatersummer]

I’m hopefully not there yet. But while I wish I could be very feminist about this the fact is DH earns a lot more than me and he always will, his talents lie where money is.

With one child we have managed through a combination of part time, taking turns to take time off when needed, and some good luck as well - haven’t had a lot of sickness to contend with. However, I’m due my second any day now and I’m wondering about a whole host of stuff.

It’s going to be so difficult when DC1 starts school and when DC2 is in nursery, reliance on wraparound care and rushing from A to B to C. I don’t honestly know if it is just easier for everyone - not just me - if one parent gives up work and just has their ‘job’ the children and house. Which isn’t very feminist but would potentially make a big difference to stress levels! Honestly wondering what others think: I’m not making any big decisions just yet.

In 2023, a mum can belong anywhere she wants. But if she prefers to belong at home with her kids, she doesn't need or deserve any of this!

Any of what? Responses to comments she has made?

If working mothers are capable of being responsible for their child's wellbeing then pp's comment wasn't necessary.

Lol. I have managed to raise my dd to adulthood without any detriment to her wellbeing, thanks. She is happy, healthy and ready to embark on a degree/career (medicine) that will enable her to make a valuable contribution to society.

In the meantime, I have worked full time, paid shed loads of tax and worked in a role that enables me to make a positive difference to the lives of several thousand vulnerable people each year.

In addition, I have provided my dd with a model that gives her the confidence that she will not have to give up her career in order to be a loving, hands-on and present parent.

Well done Mrs Bennet.

OP not sure if you’re still reading (interesting thread btw) but in case you are I understand and totally get it too.
Similar situ here though with one child who is 2. DH owns and runs a business; I also had a “big job” earning 85k. Fully intended to go back to work FT after mat leave but ended up not going back and becoming SAHM much to the surprise of many including me.

The company I was in tried to change my role significantly while I was on maternity leave, not cool and pissed me off tbh as I’d been there a long time and was very good at what I did. There were a number of changes post Covid too eg wfh almost all the time vs office / wfh mix. I used to travel internationally every 6 weeks or so. To go back to travel and with DH’s role as CEO, would mean we would have had to get a nanny which I wasn’t sure would work well if I was wfh (when not travelling) and DH was initially too and half the week now, plus nanny and child all in the same house. Just seemed like it would be a recipe for disaster and not helpful for DS or nanny either. A nursery was no good as DH couldn’t / can’t get back for pick ups etc etc so I gave it all up as couldn’t see a way that would work other than that (no family near either).

Few things as others have said that you need in place if you do the same. Access to joint and personal money (your “salary” for your job which is the domestic stuff) and agreement of personal time too so you’re not just at home ALL of the time. Paperwork / insurance etc in place for illness / death etc required too. Not nice convos but very important.

DH mostly does bath and bedtime here too unless away at a meeting/ conference or whatever. He also has a set list of “jobs” in the morning / evening that get done too so I’m not left with all of it completely.
I will say it’s harder than I thought it would be and I do miss work - I had a career that I loved but it’s also true that this is the right thing for us all now so that’s what we’re doing. Everyone will have an opinion as people do but it’s up to you and your family as to what will work best for you. Good luck with what you decide!

You've misspelled 'nepotism'

Completely agree with you, and I say that as someone that has also worked in the early years sector for 15+ years. As for the PP saying ‘how can you tell if your baby is happy’ - well, if she is an early years professional, then that’s slightly baffling… babies and young children display their emotions through their behaviour. Parents would soon pick up on their unhappiness in a certain setting.
Yes, there are awful nurseries, but there are also brilliant ones. I hate posts that try to guilt trip parents that need to use childcare!! Just look around, look at staff retention- some of the best settings have long serving staff and also a wide range of ages of the staff, which is better (in my opinion) than a nursery where all workers are very young.
Also childminders, nannies and nanny shares are other options.

sorry, kind of off topic a bit there, but it riles me. To the PP that made this claims, if the nurseries you work in have such unhappy children, do something about it….

Are you saying you should only have kids if you like caring for preschooler's full time? Hopefully there is another 60/70 years after that stage that you can enjoy- when they are school age, teenagers, young adults, young parents themselves. They aren't that age forever. It's ok to like some stages more than others.

Thank you for this post. Very reassuring.