To wonder if there comes a point where you just have to give up work?

[Bluewatersummer]

I’m hopefully not there yet. But while I wish I could be very feminist about this the fact is DH earns a lot more than me and he always will, his talents lie where money is.

With one child we have managed through a combination of part time, taking turns to take time off when needed, and some good luck as well - haven’t had a lot of sickness to contend with. However, I’m due my second any day now and I’m wondering about a whole host of stuff.

It’s going to be so difficult when DC1 starts school and when DC2 is in nursery, reliance on wraparound care and rushing from A to B to C. I don’t honestly know if it is just easier for everyone - not just me - if one parent gives up work and just has their ‘job’ the children and house. Which isn’t very feminist but would potentially make a big difference to stress levels! Honestly wondering what others think: I’m not making any big decisions just yet.

It's not specifically a sex role thing but in many couples there is one higher earner so it makes financial sense for them to spend the most hours working.

To be fair, that's pretty self-fulfilling though isn't it. When ex-DP and I met, we both had similar salaries. Now he earns 3x what I do because when we had kids, I went freelance to cover their care, because he wouldn't do anything to flex his hours at work, and thus climbed from job to job on my back.

Now obviously, it's because I chose poorly, and he didn't pull his weight with the kids (although it's hard to predict that before you have them unfortunately), but him earning more is a direct product of my taking on the labour of looking after the children we both wanted. If I'd spent more hours working and less with the kids like him, then I'd likely be earning what he does.

This is one of those decisions where short term gain can mask long term issues. I work with a lot of these men and for many of them work is their first true love. If you become a SAHM everything home and family could fall to you and I would bet good money he'd end up working even more hours as the small bit of family life he has to support is now on your shoulders. If you needed to could you support your family? E.g. if he burns out from work and ends up unpaid/on sick pay? You have all your eggs in one basket with one big job. We both have good earning jobs. Either of us could probably have pushed ahead more if the other did all the family work. But we perseverd through the hard years with 4 day weeks/ cleaners/ expensive childcare and we're out the other side and it's much easier. And we have de-risked our family money, our individual earnings and maximising our future pension etc.

I did this OP . It was the right decision for all of us . I worked hard till 35 but it was obvious that my earnings were always going to be less than DH despite me being professionally qualified . My kids are teens now and whilst I intended to get some kind of job when they were both in senior school the covid pandemic happened then I had elderly failing parents to factor in and one of my kids really struggling and eventually moving schools . We have lived well within our means always but not gone without holidays clubs etc . We could live in a bigger house and be more extravagant if I’d worked but the stress levels wouldn’t have been good for any of us . I think though being able to live this way is pretty rare and should only be something you consider with a full understanding of your financial and legal position .

I don’t honestly know if it is just easier for everyone - not just me - if one parent gives up work and just has their ‘job’ the children and house. Which isn’t very feminist but would potentially make a big difference to stress levels! Honestly wondering what others think: I’m not making any big decisions just yet.

Yes, it's always easier when someone's dedicated to keeping the house running. Do you want to do that? I didn't. I couldn't see myself as ex's house-keeper for the rest of my life - I wanted to be an equal partner, not the person in charge of clean pants and socks.

OP, you need to do what works for your family. If that is you stopping work and you are happy to do that, then carry on, it is nobody else's business. It's not always possible to do everything/have it all.

Everyone always says "why can't your DH do XYZ to share the load" but it is not always possible for the dad to by physically present or able to drop everything and do a school run/collection etc". My XH moved 3 hours away, he was never able to be a school contact for emergency collection as he was so far away. He worked long hours when we were married, he was often out at 6am and not home until 8pm. he could have been 200 miles away so no good in an emergency. However when he was home he was engaged in looking after DC, feeding, bedtime etc.

He left when DD was 4 and even though I am self employed and can choose my own hours, I still found it a nightmare trying to find enough hours to work at clients premises during school holidays, as that is 13 weeks of the year to worry about.

• Money - is often an issue with SAHM's. You need to be sure that your DH is not resentful of giving you money to spend while he works full time, make sure that there is a family pot and that you both have savings, pensions etc

*Pension - you can still pay into a pension if not working, so make sure that you do that so you are not disadvantaged by not working.

*work - do you have any skills that you could transfer to starting a business from home, or transferring to learning something new? I don't mean an MLM scheme as they are a waste of time, but admin like becoming a VA, or bookkeeper, or beautician etc? A lot of friends retrained to work from home around school hours.

(of course now I am in charge of clean pants and socks anyway - but just for myself/kids, not for another perfectly capable adult who was just offloading the shit jobs on me)

To be fair, that's pretty self-fulfilling though isn't it.

Yup. DH and I earned the same ish when we had DS, he earned more when we had DS2, I didn't stop work and I now earn twice that he does, if I had taken the part time or slow down routes I would be earning vastly less than him.

Prioritising the higher paid job doesn't mean unshared leave for sickness, or drop offs though

In the grand scheme of things, over a working life of 40+ years, 3-5 years of working part time is not that long. In an ideal world it wouldn't impede your progression (it definitely might) and the benefits can outweigh the negatives, particularly when taking into account things like work/life balance.

Much like you're considering, I went PT when I was returning to work after my second maternity leave, having worked full time up to then. I took a job doing something that I was well established doing, 3 days a week. We arranged good quality flexible childcare around it (a great local childminder who also did wraparound care for the school the DC were going to be going to) and went from there. Our childminder was much more flexible on illness than a nursery was, and also happy to swap days if needs be so if I did have to be off with a sick child on Monday/Tuesday, then I could offer work weds-fri instead of my tues-thurs, which worked well for everyone. We also made sure my pension contributions were made on my FT salary rather than my pro rated PT one so I didn't lose out on those.

I did that for two years, took a promotion with a 4 day week, and in April this year I finally went back full time with another promotion. My youngest is 7 now, and we use after school care mostly for our childcare. This one is actually the one I'm struggling with most - I feel like the house has significantly deteriorated now I'm working full time and have less time to potter and tidy ahead of the weekend!

Whatever happens, it's a juggle. Just try to ensure that your needs form part of the decision making too; it's easy to put them aside for the benefit of the family.

But it depends on what you. career expectations are. I don't have grand ambitions - having a few years off has cost me nothing in career progress (I'm at the peak, not it terms of oppertunities, but in where I want to be) and having a few years off at a crucial time has stopped me getting burnt out. I sincerely hope I'm still working (albeit part-time) at 70 - I love my job.

If I could afford it I definitely wouldn't work until both kids (or however many kids I ended up having) are well into primary school. Not worth the hassle unless you absolutely have to. If your husband earns good money missing out on a few years worth of pension won't do you any real harm.
I'm most definitely not a feminist by any means though and I've never had a job that I truly cared about. You can always go back to work but you can never get those years with your little ones back.

I wouldn't give up. When I had dc1 dh was earning triple my salary, I had dc2, covid hit and when I returned from mat leave I was fed up. I changed jobs and am now on similar to what dh was on when I had dc1 despite being in similar fields (hello unequal pay!)

But in that time dh had also become a bit disillusioned, started doing more at home. He got pay rises which then meant he felt he could take a step back, working fewer hours for the same pay.

So now I'm earning about the same as him but have far more potential to progress in the next few years. He picks up more of the parenting to allow me to do longer hours than him.

So what I'm saying is things can change, you'll need dh to also think about what he wants long term and you need to think clearly about your work ambitions beyond the next 3 years.

I lost my job tomorrow we wouldn’t really notice; if DH did, it would be catastrophic.

What would you do for housing/income if your DH left you for someone else tomorrow? I think giving up work completely is a scary prospect, even if you think your relationship is rock solid.

@newstart1234 well yes quite, but even if you're not overly ambitious you can usually progress to be paid better. Love my job too, but have a lot of retirement plans! No burn out here, but if I get to that point I will retire early, which financially looking viable for us.

I would never have given up my career
Now mid 50s and have seen so many women give up and then found it virtually impossible to get back when they needed to
My children are all fantastic ,we are close and they are all doing very well

No there doesn't come a point when one parent needs to quit their job because you have two children. It is entirely possible for both parents to work.

IMO women generally get a shit deal whatever option they choose, I have two female friends who are main earner and in both cases the DH (who is in one case part time and the other not working at all) does the bare minimum at home. So the woman is still doing laundry, dentists appointments, play dates etc.

Likewise those who are divorced, even the dads who consider themselves "hands on" aren't interested in checking up on toothbrushing or organising after school activities.

Men can get away with ignoring these boring aspects of parenting as they know a woman will generally step in and do it when they don't bother.

As I said, I did it for a few years, not "the rest of my life". Someone's got to be in charge of clean pants, someone's got to be in charge of clean dishes, someone's got to take the bins out - this is where you divvy up the chores.

Plus it meant food shopping didn't need doing at weekends so dc could do more with us then, had more headspace for long term/diy projects around the house. So there are some benefits, but no-one should do it if they really don't want to if you can share the jobs or outsource them!

I went back to work after DC1 for a year. Then I realised how stressed I felt having meetings go on til 5:30 in central london but a 6pm nursery pick up in the suburbs. It was killing me, DC also had 10 days where nursery called me saying he needed immediately collecting due to illness between January and April.

so much happier since I’ve been SAHM, I’m also expecting DC2 in a few weeks.

Lucky DH earns just enough for us to be okay.

I will probably look for a career change when I go back after having children

I think most cope even if part time. If there are sn however its very hard.
Dd at 11 wont be able to get toand from.the secindary bus.
Wont get dressed epven with prompting.
And they both dont cooe with too much so. No way to breamfast and after school clubs. But rea!!y that was obvikus from the stage of struggling wkth nursery days.

Als for me as pp getting to and from.work with traffic for a specific pick up tj me would have been very tricky. So people wfh must make a huge diff

This is how I feel. So lucky to have every day seeing my children grow up.

Bang on, OP.

Men can get away with ignoring these boring aspects of parenting as they know a woman will generally step in and do it when they don't bother.

So the answer is for the women to stop stepping in?

I think this is a valid view point.

Feminism means being able to raise your children yourself if you want to. (many people prefer to work and that’s fine also) Just because the system is so messed up at the moment that very few people can run a home or family without two full time incomes doesn’t mean the system is right or makes sense in terms of meeting our wider needs as humans.

I also think extended and shared parental leave for fathers needs to become a norm.