To wonder if there comes a point where you just have to give up work?

[Bluewatersummer]

I’m hopefully not there yet. But while I wish I could be very feminist about this the fact is DH earns a lot more than me and he always will, his talents lie where money is.

With one child we have managed through a combination of part time, taking turns to take time off when needed, and some good luck as well - haven’t had a lot of sickness to contend with. However, I’m due my second any day now and I’m wondering about a whole host of stuff.

It’s going to be so difficult when DC1 starts school and when DC2 is in nursery, reliance on wraparound care and rushing from A to B to C. I don’t honestly know if it is just easier for everyone - not just me - if one parent gives up work and just has their ‘job’ the children and house. Which isn’t very feminist but would potentially make a big difference to stress levels! Honestly wondering what others think: I’m not making any big decisions just yet.

The OP has come in for a lot of repetitive, circular questioning on here, so I'm trying to say this kind of thing doesn't have to be a major drama. When she has her baby, she'll know what to do. She'll work it out, in her own way. She doesn't need an inquisition and she doesn't need to explain or justify her husband, her current set up or her future set up. She can just do what she wants without guilt-tripping or being held to account.

You said it first.

Does it only apply to women who want to work then?

If so, again, how isn't that sexist?

Does what only apply to women who work?

Why, on MN, is being with the children you have given birth to seen as some sort of consolation prize that must be avoided at all costs? It's not at all.

I'm not sure what your question is.

What you've quoted is my view that being a SAHM should not be viewed as demeaning, or like you are 'lesser' or like you unwittingly ended up with the consolation prize in your marriage - ie. the crap deal. It depends how you look at things. Is working the privilege, or SAHM the privilege? Depends who is doing it and what they get out if it. All women (and men) are different. Hardly controversial.

It’s unusual in my circle that when a baby is born, daddy automatically keeps up the Big Career whilst mummy gives up her little job and sits at home with the babies, with zero discussion. Thankfully!

My husband wanted to spend time with his kids as much as I did. I can’t believe so many men don’t.

Me working wouldn't have meant my husband spent more time with the kids though. It would just mean I spent less time with them.

I don’t think there’s necessarily a point where you have to give up work. But it’s fine for there to be a point where you want to.

Wouldn’t it free him up to go part time or just generally put less pressure on him to perform at work, meaning he could leave earlier, say no to work, put boundaries in place, etc?

I always think it must be really stressful knowing your performance at work is the only thing standing between your children and homelessness.

So your husband wouldn’t have wanted to spend any more time with the kids, even if he could have? Is that what you’re saying? Doesn’t that bother you?

No it wouldn't have worked like that CaptainJackSparrow85. But for some families it would, obviously, it really depends.

Sad he wanted to avoid them at all costs 😥

Thst is not what I said at all, is it. This is getting very odd now.

You said that you working (and presumably contributing to family finances) wouldn’t have meant your husband would have reduced his hours to spend more time with the kids. Why not?

Sexism doesn’t matter?

Have you any daughters?

It's just not like that, FolkSongSweet. He never really had 'working hours' or that kind of distinction, if that makes sense. Anyway, it doesn't matter.

Yes, it makes sense. Sounds like his super important job trumped everything and he didn’t even have the courtesy to ask if you were ok with that. It’s lucky for you that you didn’t it but it seems odd that you’re presenting it as a virtue or a privilege now.

Didn’t mind it

Not a 'virtue.' Just normal.

We did this. I don't give a shit if people think I'm a bad feminist for being a SAHM for several years; I wanted to be with my children and not make myself ill with stress just to keep my hand in. The only thing I'd say is that my DH and I share everything and he really appreciates everything I do and fully acknowledges that I've basically facilitated his career. I wouldn't have made myself dependent on someone who took me for granted or didn't want to share everything.

Bloody hell, how capitalist is our society? It seems like the only valuable contribution a woman can do to society is to work and earn money. How about being responsible for the well-being of the next generation?? Is that nothing??

You can do both! Work and be responsible for the next generation! It’s tough at times but rewarding.

I recommend it. Especially if you care about the gender pay gap. Which is kind of important for the well-being of the next generation of women don’t you think?

Normal for you, your husband and the people you know who think a mum belongs at home. Not normal for many men and women who believe in equality.

Last time I checked, I'm still responsible for my child's wellbeing even as a working mother.

Society only seems to be capitalist or materialistic or whatever it may be when it is about women working.

Not this again. We have come full circle to the “working mums are all materialistic” argument again.

Thing is, some of us don’t have a bloody choice. It’s not about “capitalism”. It’s about a roof over the head and food in the stomach. You know? The basics.

I find this line of argument that working mums are “capitalist” so small minded.