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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said this to DH about his children?

354 replies

INeedToEscapeSometimes · 21/06/2023 09:40

I have gone through something really difficult recently, I don't want to go into detail mainly because I struggle to talk about it but it has really affected me and my view of life. At home it is me, DH, our shared DC and his older DC who stay with us 50% of the time.

I have felt quite smothered recently, I've not been able to take much time off work due to high demands and I feel burnt out, stressed and upset most of the time.

DH has been helping a lot at home, taking over the chores and things and has been comforting and affectionate.

But one thing I'm struggling with is having a full house so much after a full week at work. My SC are a lot sometimes and can be very full on and messy and I've been struggling to enjoy the time they are here.

As such I've been trying to take myself away a bit when they come. This has included taking my own DC out sometimes for the day just me and them and these days have been so special to me, I have been so comforted by little cuddles and watching them enjoy a day out or just getting home and having a little movie night with them in our bedroom. This is not constantly, sometimes I just take myself upstairs alone or go for a walk by myself and leave all the DC together, but occasionally my DC will ask to come up or I will take them somewhere nice for a little treat.

My DH said last night that he feels like I'm withdrawing too much from SC and I should include them too. He doesn't seem to understand I just need a bit of space right now and some wind down time. They are here most weekends so it just feels a lot.

Anyway, I ended up saying basically that I don't feel comfort from his children in the same way as ours, that they don't bring me the same peace or happiness spending time with them that our DC does and I need that right now.

He is upset by this and is saying things like how he thought I cared about them and loved them. He doesn't understand how that can be true but it's not the same as our DC. It feels more like work in a way our DC doesn't, less natural I guess.

Anyway, he's now saying he wants me to spend some solo time with SC to 'get over this'. But I just want to breathe for a bit. Not forever, just some time.

AIBU.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 21/06/2023 09:43

I think that you signed up to be part of a blended family and shouldn't be treating your stepchildren badly.

It is understandable that you feel differently about your dc and step dc, but not reasonable to be so very clear and hurtful about this.

I really feel for those poor dc!

ThisHeatIsKillingMeOff · 21/06/2023 09:43

YANBU.

You'll spend time with SC when you're feeling better, and by the sounds of it you do spend time with them. Surely it's good as they're getting quality time with their dad? Unless he can't be bothered and is trying to shove the brunt of the childcare onto you.

helpfulperson · 21/06/2023 09:44

Are the children shared or yours from a previous relationship? If not his, imagine how you would feel if he said the same about your children getting in his way. Imagine how these poor children feel being made to feel like a bother. This is the reality of living a shared life with someone who already has children..

Original poster
INeedToEscapeSometimes · 21/06/2023 09:46

ThisHeatIsKillingMeOff · 21/06/2023 09:43

YANBU.

You'll spend time with SC when you're feeling better, and by the sounds of it you do spend time with them. Surely it's good as they're getting quality time with their dad? Unless he can't be bothered and is trying to shove the brunt of the childcare onto you.

Yes we do still spend time together, we still eat dinner together as an example. It's just sometimes I need the space and sometimes that includes time with just my DC who I find healing in a way SC aren't right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
INeedToEscapeSometimes · 21/06/2023 09:47

helpfulperson · 21/06/2023 09:44

Are the children shared or yours from a previous relationship? If not his, imagine how you would feel if he said the same about your children getting in his way. Imagine how these poor children feel being made to feel like a bother. This is the reality of living a shared life with someone who already has children..

DC are shared with DH, I have no children from previous relationship.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 21/06/2023 09:47

You are only focusing on how you feel not on how your actions are making others feel. So obviously excluding your step children isn’t fair on anyone

Original poster
INeedToEscapeSometimes · 21/06/2023 09:49

I just don't really understand why he would think I would find them comforting in the same way as our DC. I'm surprised I guess that he would expect me to.

Like I say this is not all of the time. Just sometimes when I feel particularly worked up. I try my best to be present as much as I can right now but it's just too much sometimes.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 21/06/2023 09:53

You feeling "comforted" is not more important that a child's sense of self-worth.

How would you feel if you broke up, your husband remarried and your own dc were treated as second class citizens in his home?

vivainsomnia · 21/06/2023 09:54

It's all about balance. If the only time you spend with your SC is meal times and say shopping and cleaning but all quality time is with your own DC, then it is a problem for your SC and therefore your OH.

It sounds you are going through a tough time but children don't understand that. It seems your OH is making extra efforts to help you and maybe feels you too should make some effort.

Could you do promise on one fun activity all together per weekend?

helpfulperson · 21/06/2023 09:54

I understand you are having difficulties but it isn't your children's role or responsibility to be a comfort to you and that is a lot to put on them. Is your husband providing you with support?.

Tinkerbyebye · 21/06/2023 09:54

You need to tell him they are not your children, that they have two parents already, and that it’s really his responsibility to sort all his children and you yours, and that at the moment, much as you love them, you need a break, and don’t want to spend alone time with them

@Sirzy they are NOT her children, she doesn’t have to include them in everything she does, her husband, yes as he is their father. Why should the step children have three adults ( 4 if the mother has a partner) looking after them, and her own kids just 2? She doesn’t get the same comfort from them as her own, why would she!

Original poster
INeedToEscapeSometimes · 21/06/2023 09:56

helpfulperson · 21/06/2023 09:54

I understand you are having difficulties but it isn't your children's role or responsibility to be a comfort to you and that is a lot to put on them. Is your husband providing you with support?.

I do understand this and I have been very careful not to get upset in front of them or put this on them. As far as they know we are just spending some quality time together. It's just internally it brings me a lot of peace right now to get out with them and see them happy.

OP posts:
ContinuousProcrastination · 21/06/2023 09:57

I just don't really understand why he would think I would find them comforting in the same way as our DC. I'm surprised I guess that he would expect me to.

I completely understand this. I never understand why people think you can magically form the same nurturing bond with step children (who have their own parents already!) As you have with your own children.

Original poster
INeedToEscapeSometimes · 21/06/2023 09:57

Stompythedinosaur · 21/06/2023 09:53

You feeling "comforted" is not more important that a child's sense of self-worth.

How would you feel if you broke up, your husband remarried and your own dc were treated as second class citizens in his home?

I guess I don't agree I'm treating them a second class citizens. I'm just spending some quality time with my DC, which they probably need too right now although they seem to be doing well (it was a horrible and sudden loss on my side which they know about obviously but don't quite understand properly).

OP posts:
Original poster
INeedToEscapeSometimes · 21/06/2023 09:59

I don't mind doing something all together, and I have said this to him. But I'd want him to take the lead on that. I don't have the headspace right now and it wouldn't be what I'd class as quality time personally (although I'd do it for the sake of everyone), it's just a lot when everyone is together. A lot of work

OP posts:
Original poster
INeedToEscapeSometimes · 21/06/2023 10:00

I think he just sees me wanting to go and spend time alone with our DC because it helps and wants me to want or feel that with his children too and I just don't feel the same.

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 21/06/2023 10:01

There are some things we can think, but not say.

You were so very specific in making SC sound like an issue. In your DHs shoes I'd find it hurtful. If you posted here that a man said this about your DC, the responses would be entirely different.

uneffingbelievable · 21/06/2023 10:01

You can feel however you like.

To your DP, you have just told him his DCS make yu feel unwelcome in your jont home, you can not relax with them around and you need to get away. The only way you can do that is take his other child away - so he never gets to have his children together , parent them as a unit - which they are to him
Sitting down for a meal being one of your few points of interaction is harsh - when we see enough SMS on here complain about SDCs only trunign up for meals and otherwise being sat in their rooms.

If I were your partner I would feel devastated by your comments. You are effectively asking him to choose you over them - you only feel ok in your home when SDCs not there - pretty well says I dont want your DCS here.

The man can not win

Branleuse · 21/06/2023 10:01

I think tell your dh to back off a bit and its not the time to be pressuring you about your stepmother duties when youre currently feeling quite fragile. That youre very fond of his children but you arent responsible for them and youd appreciate a bit more patience and compassion.

Original poster
INeedToEscapeSometimes · 21/06/2023 10:04

uneffingbelievable · 21/06/2023 10:01

You can feel however you like.

To your DP, you have just told him his DCS make yu feel unwelcome in your jont home, you can not relax with them around and you need to get away. The only way you can do that is take his other child away - so he never gets to have his children together , parent them as a unit - which they are to him
Sitting down for a meal being one of your few points of interaction is harsh - when we see enough SMS on here complain about SDCs only trunign up for meals and otherwise being sat in their rooms.

If I were your partner I would feel devastated by your comments. You are effectively asking him to choose you over them - you only feel ok in your home when SDCs not there - pretty well says I dont want your DCS here.

The man can not win

As I said in my OP this is not all the time, I often take myself away alone and all the DCs are together. It is occasionally I may go somewhere with just my DC. I am not asking him to choose me or them or saying they cannot be here. Just that I struggle when they are and need some space sometimes, which sometimes includes being with my DC.

OP posts:
Original poster
INeedToEscapeSometimes · 21/06/2023 10:04

DeeCeeCherry · 21/06/2023 10:01

There are some things we can think, but not say.

You were so very specific in making SC sound like an issue. In your DHs shoes I'd find it hurtful. If you posted here that a man said this about your DC, the responses would be entirely different.

And I only mentioned SC because he brought them up. I had not said any of this to him before then because I understand it's not nice to hear.

OP posts:
readbooksdrinktea · 21/06/2023 10:07

You shouldn't have said that even if it's how you feel. All thoughts don't need to be voiced.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/06/2023 10:08

Taking your own DC out gives him time with just his DC, that’s always encouraged on here, whatever the reason. Is he annoyed you’re not around to help him parent them?

You having your SC alone is ridiculous. Literally no one on here would ever suggest that, contact time is for them to be with their father.

I don’t think I’d have phrased it as you did but he can’t possibly relate to what it’s like being a step parent so just hold firm as to what you need and ignore his emotional blackmail.

To reiterate it, you going out and leaving his children to have quality uninterrupted time with him is not a bad thing and in any other circumstances no one on here would think it was bad.

LittleOwl153 · 21/06/2023 10:08

How many kids are we talking here - and roughly what ages? If we're talking toddlers dc and teen sc, surely the teens understand what had happened and that you might need some space?

I can see your DH's concern if you are actively withdrawing, but I'd say that would suggest you need more support generally rather than taking on extra with SC. Is he not capable of organising a family trip so SC are missing out as you are not in a position to organise for him?

What at the plans for the summer? Is he relying on you sorting SC as well as DC whilst they're with you and he's working - so he's perhaps starting to panic about that... so sees a time bomb on 'solving'the issue?

As an aside - perhaps you need to seek some grief counselling if this bereavement is more than a few weeks old. Not because I think you should do more for DC, just because grief can be a downward spiral.

Take care OP.

Mamai90 · 21/06/2023 10:08

No-one would expect for you to have the same bond with your SC as you do your own DC but it's important you don't make it obvious and it sounds as though you are. Taking yourself away when the SC are there, especially when you're taking your DC away too is going to make them feel unwelcome in essentially their own home.