To have said this to DH about his children?

[INeedToEscapeSometimes]

I have gone through something really difficult recently, I don't want to go into detail mainly because I struggle to talk about it but it has really affected me and my view of life. At home it is me, DH, our shared DC and his older DC who stay with us 50% of the time.

I have felt quite smothered recently, I've not been able to take much time off work due to high demands and I feel burnt out, stressed and upset most of the time.

DH has been helping a lot at home, taking over the chores and things and has been comforting and affectionate.

But one thing I'm struggling with is having a full house so much after a full week at work. My SC are a lot sometimes and can be very full on and messy and I've been struggling to enjoy the time they are here.

As such I've been trying to take myself away a bit when they come. This has included taking my own DC out sometimes for the day just me and them and these days have been so special to me, I have been so comforted by little cuddles and watching them enjoy a day out or just getting home and having a little movie night with them in our bedroom. This is not constantly, sometimes I just take myself upstairs alone or go for a walk by myself and leave all the DC together, but occasionally my DC will ask to come up or I will take them somewhere nice for a little treat.

My DH said last night that he feels like I'm withdrawing too much from SC and I should include them too. He doesn't seem to understand I just need a bit of space right now and some wind down time. They are here most weekends so it just feels a lot.

Anyway, I ended up saying basically that I don't feel comfort from his children in the same way as ours, that they don't bring me the same peace or happiness spending time with them that our DC does and I need that right now.

He is upset by this and is saying things like how he thought I cared about them and loved them. He doesn't understand how that can be true but it's not the same as our DC. It feels more like work in a way our DC doesn't, less natural I guess.

Anyway, he's now saying he wants me to spend some solo time with SC to 'get over this'. But I just want to breathe for a bit. Not forever, just some time.

AIBU.

If you need more down time I suggest dropping a day at work and using it to improve your wellbeing. Then, focus on being present for your entire family at the weekends (which includes the stepchildren)

As an example.

If I must be present for the entire family every weekend including DSC, when am I allowed to spend time solely with my children? (Given I'm working all week).

As I've said repeatedly this is not all of the time.

Yabu.

We see this so often on here, and it just isn't fair on the step children.

If you don't want to be a step mother, don't get in to a relationship with someone with kids.

If you push on anyway, then, as parents, our first priority is our children.

The thing is with what you're doing, is there an obvious change. You used to do stuff with them, now you don't.

Can they not have a lovely day with their dad?

He is upset by this and is saying things like how he thought I cared about them and loved them. He doesn't understand how that can be true but it's not the same as our DC. It feels more like work in a way our DC doesn't, less natural I guess.

To be honest, it always amazes me that when people combine families they expect the other person in the relationship to love their dc in the same way they do. I worship my dc, think they are wonderful, amazing and precious as does dh, but I don’t expect even their closest relatives to feel the same way about them as I do. It’s just bizarre.

I think it’s easier for people to justify their new relationship and convince themselves that it’s the best thing for the dc (when frankly it often isn’t) by pretending that the new partner loves them in the same way when they quite obviously don’t.

Yanbu op. Of course you want to be around your own dc at a time like this. Dh needs to think of ways to keep his own dc busy so they don’t feel left out.

The thing is with what you're doing, is there an obvious change. You used to do stuff with them, now you don't.

Tbf I've never taken them out on solo days out. Family days yes, and I have told DH I will do that still if he wants to sort something.

Yeah if you want them to feel they aren't part of the family whilst with you

@ItsBritneyBitchhhh Well she's not constantly doing it, and lots of parents do take themselves upstairs for some alone/quiet time even outside of blended families.

But regardless, my point was about what she said to her DH, not how she acts upon it. There should be nothing remotely surprising or inappropriate to him about what she said.

So spending time alone with their dad occasionally is a bad thing. I'd have thought the opposite personally.

“As such I've been trying to take myself away a bit when they come. This has included taking my own DC out sometimes for the day just me and them and these days have been so special to me, I have been so comforted by little cuddles and watching them enjoy a day out or just getting home and having a little movie night with them in our bedroom”

I initially voted YANBU because I don’t think it’s realistic or even desirable to think of step children the exact way as your own children but actually overall I’d say YABU as those children who were in your husbands life before you were are also your shared children’s siblings. Presumably they come over not only to see their dad but their siblings too. So they should be getting to spend time with them each time they come over. Alone time with your own children can be done at another day.

I’m sorry for your loss 💐.

This post makes me feel very sad - I was in the position of your step children. My stepmother used to take my half sibling out for the day when we arrived at my father’s house or first thing on a Saturday morning if we’d stayed Friday night.

It makes you feel like an unwanted burden & definitely a second class of family member. You know your presence is disrupting how they live when you are not there. This segregation escalated to the point where we weren’t invited to birthday parties etc - it didn’t raise an eyebrow because it had been normalised.

In the nicest way, yabu it's all the children's home, not just your shared dc, your sdc aren't visitors. I can imagine they do feel you are withdrawing and that can't be nice for the sdc at all.

Can you leave your shared dc at home and spend time with your sdc, that might help everyone and give you space from a house full too ?

No there shouldn’t be. But I would still be hurt hearing that even though I know it’d probably be the case. As the OP said, we’re all protective of our own children

And I also went on to say

This is not constantly, sometimes I just take myself upstairs alone or go for a walk by myself and leave all the DC together, but occasionally my DC will ask to come up or I will take them somewhere nice for a little treat

They spend lots of time with their siblings. Just bit all of the time.

No there shouldn’t be. But I would still be hurt hearing that even though I know it’d probably be the case. As the OP said, we’re all protective of our own children

If you want another relationship then you have to learn not to take these feelings out on your partner. It's not reasonable or fair to them.

At 9 & 10, and as they are already aware of your situation I think they are old enough for an honest, age appropriate chat (with the blessing of their parents).

Maybe after the little ones are in bed…

”I know I’ve not been spending as much time with you and your dad lately. I’m feeling really sad and tired after [event] and sometimes it’s easier to be in my own. Sometimes I have the little ones too as they are a bit too young to understand, but I’m always here for you if you need me and when I’m feeling a bit better we’ll do some things all together.”

Maybe in the meantime make the time you do spend with them a bit more special…making pizzas together for dinner, letting them choose a movie for a family film night so you’re all together but they don’t require too much interaction.

If your DH can’t support you with something like this, then it’s him you have the problem with, not his kids.

They can think she’s shitty all they like - so what? Plenty of people don’t, and that not something she’s required to pay attention to either.

if their father thinks they’re missing out then maybe he can spend some one on one time with them. They are there to see him, after all.

It's hard to really say it without witnessing it. You could being coming off cold and withdrawn to the step children and some what dismissive and the dc have picked up on that or your having some time to yourself now and again. It's hard to gain a true picture as perspective is key in terms of yours, your dh and the sdc. What I do see is a woman who is struggling maybe with depression who trying to decompress and remove herself inorder to do that. Are you getting outside support op?

Why would she leave her kids behind to take the Step children out?

The dad can take his kids out while she takes their joint kids out and then no one is missing out on a day out.

That’s awful @WhatTheHeckIsIt . This is my worry with blended families. Often various children feel and are indeed sidelined. As a former educator & youth worker I seen the effects of it daily and there are grown adults I know who have been left with the scars.

I’m in my 30s but still don’t date men with kids because I know there’s a good chance I’d end up hurting (emotionally) the previous kids by putting my own kids first. Not everyone is cut out to be a stepparent and i hold my hands up and admit I’m not rather than go in and cause issues for someone.

Could u do something like take your dc swimming then dh join you with rest of kids after to do something else

Agree, what's happening when you and your dc go and hole up in your and am assuming
Dhs room when sc are visiting?
Is it a 'do not disturb' thing, where no one else is allowed in or to speak to you?
Do your dc want to only mainly see you when their half siblings are over?

You can’t do right for doing wrong.
If you put your troubles onto the dsc , who’d have more understanding, that would be wrong. They are his children to parent and he needs to step up with constructive ideas, not knock you when you’re down.
He should explain to his dc that you’re not well at the moment ( no additional info needed) so might be quiet, rest more, feel sad, whatever is appropriate. Reassure them it’s nothing anyone has done and you’re trying to get better. Adjust language to situation.

So your step mum was never allowed to spend time with her kids while you come to visit your dad?
You didn’t visit to spend time with her.

Also to clarify I'm not literally going out of the door as SC enter and not returning until they've left, it's never the entire time they are here. Typically just a few hours here and there or the occasional day. Sometimes by myself, sometimes with my children. It feels very overwhelming to be at work all week and then feel like I have no time to wind down either at the weekend right now.

I think you know it’s not that black and white.

The issue is not the exact quantity of time X person spends with Y, the issue is relationships and how people are feeling. Your husband has told you that he (and maybe his children too) fell that you are withdrawing from them and that they are being sidelined.

Are you okay with them feeling that way? Arguing about the rights and wrongs of it doesn’t change the fact: this is the way they feel.

Have you ever done anything alone with the SC without taking yours with you? My mum took my older stepsister horse-riding and shopping most weekends while I stayed at home and played with dad in the garden. I think it was a lovely thing for them to do and really helped build their relationship. I think your husband’s idea is a good one. You may not feel the same was about your DSC as you do about your DC, but you still need to have a positive relationship with them and you need to put some effort into that.

Sorry you are having so much to deal with in your personal life, I really recommend counselling and/or cutting back on work time in order to address this. Perhaps you need to take some sick leave?