To have said this to DH about his children?

[INeedToEscapeSometimes]

I have gone through something really difficult recently, I don't want to go into detail mainly because I struggle to talk about it but it has really affected me and my view of life. At home it is me, DH, our shared DC and his older DC who stay with us 50% of the time.

I have felt quite smothered recently, I've not been able to take much time off work due to high demands and I feel burnt out, stressed and upset most of the time.

DH has been helping a lot at home, taking over the chores and things and has been comforting and affectionate.

But one thing I'm struggling with is having a full house so much after a full week at work. My SC are a lot sometimes and can be very full on and messy and I've been struggling to enjoy the time they are here.

As such I've been trying to take myself away a bit when they come. This has included taking my own DC out sometimes for the day just me and them and these days have been so special to me, I have been so comforted by little cuddles and watching them enjoy a day out or just getting home and having a little movie night with them in our bedroom. This is not constantly, sometimes I just take myself upstairs alone or go for a walk by myself and leave all the DC together, but occasionally my DC will ask to come up or I will take them somewhere nice for a little treat.

My DH said last night that he feels like I'm withdrawing too much from SC and I should include them too. He doesn't seem to understand I just need a bit of space right now and some wind down time. They are here most weekends so it just feels a lot.

Anyway, I ended up saying basically that I don't feel comfort from his children in the same way as ours, that they don't bring me the same peace or happiness spending time with them that our DC does and I need that right now.

He is upset by this and is saying things like how he thought I cared about them and loved them. He doesn't understand how that can be true but it's not the same as our DC. It feels more like work in a way our DC doesn't, less natural I guess.

Anyway, he's now saying he wants me to spend some solo time with SC to 'get over this'. But I just want to breathe for a bit. Not forever, just some time.

AIBU.

No one has harassed you. You are harassing people by swearing at them.

Following someone round a thread is harassing them. You must know that La.

Why would she care about changing your view? You’re really not that important and she doesn’t need your permission to post.

How would I know how old you are?

Who has followed who? What are you on about?

You’re really not that important
Gosh, you’ve ramped up, haven’t you?
she doesn’t need your permission to post
I’ve already covered this, La.
If you’re observant, you’ll note I said I’ve been married for 42 years, La. You’ll also be aware that Sofa has followed me. RTFT.
Pixie swearing? It’s not unusual on MN. Get over yourself.

👏👏👏

This. 100%.

People like you shouldn't start relationships with men with children. They were there before your children, wether you like it or not.
It's perfectly fine to struggle, we all do, but it is not your DSC fault, and the way you talk about them breaks my heart for them.

Time to grow up and realise you have a responsibility to them too, and you accepted that when you got with their dad. End of.

@Lacucuracha your absolute ridiculous, If anyone is harassing people it’s you.

Oh for goodness sake, stop with the accusations of harassment. Neither me nor @Lacucuracha are doing that, it started with you two. You've both decided to take issue with us commenting in your opinion too much, but like @PrimalOwl10 I have felt compelled to challenge certain comments on this thread because I am aware of a poor, grieving OP, who is far more affected by this situation than any of us commenting - and who does not deserve the kind of dismissive comments she's received on this thread.

I have never sworn once, I don’t need to. You told me to fuck myself on a previous thread and it got deleted (rightly so) because you were being aggressive and nasty. So maybe check yourself.

LadyGrinningSoul85 honest to God, how can you speak like that to someone who is recently bereaved, struggling in their grief and burnt out? End of what? Common sense, empathy and kindness?

The OP has simply stated she:
Occasionally takes her own DC out on the only days she has them whilst not working
Is happy to do things with her whole family if her partner wants to arrange it
Doesn't feel for her step children the same way that she does her own children

Even if it weren't only a temporary situation whilst she struggles with a recent loss, why on gods earth is it unreasonable for her to do this or to state the obvious that you love your own children differently to the way you'd love someone else's?

Totally agree God bless to the OP, please give yourself a break

I have never sworn once, I don’t need to. You told me to fuck myself on a previous thread and it got deleted (rightly so) because you were being aggressive and nasty. So maybe check yourself.

What? No I didn't, I would never say that, I said you were being fucking rude after you told me to get a grip. Don't just make stuff up after you get the comment deleted.

Well this thread has gone down hill 😔

Quite, am on verge of checking if full moon on way with some of the posts on mn today!

aSofaNearYou I completely agree I think people have been damn right cruel to op I'm not suprised she didn't come back. Words have consequences yet people use them so freely and without thought behind a computer screen. This had to be one of the most brutal threads I've witnessed in a long term. People seem to forget op never once called or said anything negative about her sdc or their dm. She just expressed her own struggles with something that happened recently.

I just don't really understand why he would think I would find them comforting in the same way as our DC. I'm surprised I guess that he would expect me to.

If you are being nice to your children on a transactional basis because of what's in it for you emotionally, this is not something anyone else needs to perceive let alone hear you say explicitly (!). It certainly isn't something you should expect other people to care about. I suggest you keep that to yourself.

As for having an outburst, you can apologise, explain that you're going through a lot and need some peace and quiet, and take it because you NEED to look after yourself as well as others. People who love you will understand.

You’ve had 3 posts deleted on this page alone, Pixie

Oh god. ANOTHER thread about someone who married a man who already has kids & now that they've had their own their step kids are an inconvenience..one of the oldest stories in the book

I feel very sorry for those step kids

So many blatantly striving to twist the narrative on here.

It's not at all about Stepmums having to love SC the same as they do their own - of course they won't. That's just thrown in to up the ante into a contentious thread It's about marrying a man with children and then rejecting those children when it suits, then talking around the houses as if that will make one iota of difference to SC's who will see and know they're being rejected. What have the SCs done to deserve this? They're not even around all the time so how much of an issue can they be/why are they an issue?

Furthermore, to actually detail to your partner that you're not into his DCs. Anyone would find that hurtful. I'd not be with a person who said that to me about my DCs, I wouldn't even be able to look at them. There's no excuse for it.

You don't have to love your SCs but they're siblings to your own children. They're also the children of the man you married and no doubt must have met these children pre-marriage and appeared to be accepting of them.

If this were a man openly favouring his own DCs and talking about his SCs like this he'd be crucified on here, including being told his wife should leave and how wrong he is to reject her children. It goes both ways.

And where to the views and feelings of the DSC come in to it, since presumably they didn’t have any role in negotiating / consenting to these arrangements? Or are their feelings and well-being irrelevant?

Their feelings are the responsibility of their parent, who should decide what sort of step parent relationship would be in their best interests and get this agreed before remarriage. Granted, a fair few don't seem to bother. But that isn't the fault of the step parent.

@5128gap I think that's a bit of a cop out to be honest.

anyone who marries a person who already has children is aware of the situation they're entering long before any marriage takes place.

From reading on MN there seems to be a depressingly common theme of involved step parent until they have their own child. Then it all changes & the step children are an in the way inconvenience 'their little family' etc

I know we only get a particular bias to tjr information here as it's a higher proportion of women posting but I think it puts the fathers / parent of all the kids in an impossible position & if I were that parent I'd not back down on all the children being treated equally.

And if my partner told me they couldn't be bothered with my first children it would be a deal breaker for me. I would have no interest in staying with that person.

This