To have said this to DH about his children?

[INeedToEscapeSometimes]

I have gone through something really difficult recently, I don't want to go into detail mainly because I struggle to talk about it but it has really affected me and my view of life. At home it is me, DH, our shared DC and his older DC who stay with us 50% of the time.

I have felt quite smothered recently, I've not been able to take much time off work due to high demands and I feel burnt out, stressed and upset most of the time.

DH has been helping a lot at home, taking over the chores and things and has been comforting and affectionate.

But one thing I'm struggling with is having a full house so much after a full week at work. My SC are a lot sometimes and can be very full on and messy and I've been struggling to enjoy the time they are here.

As such I've been trying to take myself away a bit when they come. This has included taking my own DC out sometimes for the day just me and them and these days have been so special to me, I have been so comforted by little cuddles and watching them enjoy a day out or just getting home and having a little movie night with them in our bedroom. This is not constantly, sometimes I just take myself upstairs alone or go for a walk by myself and leave all the DC together, but occasionally my DC will ask to come up or I will take them somewhere nice for a little treat.

My DH said last night that he feels like I'm withdrawing too much from SC and I should include them too. He doesn't seem to understand I just need a bit of space right now and some wind down time. They are here most weekends so it just feels a lot.

Anyway, I ended up saying basically that I don't feel comfort from his children in the same way as ours, that they don't bring me the same peace or happiness spending time with them that our DC does and I need that right now.

He is upset by this and is saying things like how he thought I cared about them and loved them. He doesn't understand how that can be true but it's not the same as our DC. It feels more like work in a way our DC doesn't, less natural I guess.

Anyway, he's now saying he wants me to spend some solo time with SC to 'get over this'. But I just want to breathe for a bit. Not forever, just some time.

AIBU.

🙄 that doesn't mean you have to take on children who's conception you had no part in. They already have a mother and a father that chose to have said children. They are the responsible ones, not a step parent.

I suspect your DH isn't picking up the signals of what is going on in your head and your emotions.

He and possibly the stepkids, only see that you remove yourself and isolate yourself, and/ or leave the house when the stepkids come over.
Maybe the reasons for these unusual actions by you are not being explained explicitly in the external world. People are not mind readers either.

Can either he or you explain to the stepkids that you are having a bad time currently and that's why you are not your usual bouyant self.

All the mothers on here saying this is ok clearly had the good fortune to grow up in happy nuclear units. This post is toxic and childish. It’s miserable to be a stepchild in this kind of household where it’s made clear you’re an unwanted guest “impinging” on the real family. You chose to have children on a blended family so suck it up and stop whining - if you can’t cope with being a stop parent then leave. The saving grace of this post is that your husband is challenging this unacceptable dynamic.

It’s understandable that you won’t feel the EXACT same about your partner’s child(s) in comparison to your child. That’s to be expected.

However, it’s not fair on his kids (that haven’t asked to he in this situation) to keep on feeling left out. OP says she’s going through something at the moment so she enjoys spending 1-2-1 time with her kid. Fine, whatever. But surely at some point it becomes unfair to the other children when they’re constantly going out doing things whilst the step kids get left out?

Even the OP going upstairs and doing whatever to have some space of her own. I get that every now and again but the kids are there 50% of the time. It must be a bit shit feeling like you’re in the way at your dads house.

This is one of 1000 reasons why I won’t be with someone who has children. As soon as you’re apart of a blended family, it’s quite difficult to take a step back and do things that wouldn’t usually be a problem if the step kids didn’t exist!

Sorry but YABU. I imagine his kids are aware of you pulling away. It's not their fault.

So if this was a men telling you I only like going out with my own children and my SC are not included as I’m feeling unwell ( whatever that means ) am I wrong ? You would be ok with it ? The SC live there half of the time , they feel excluded already if her husband is telling her this . I have 2 SC no matter how upset I was I would never go out and leave them behind because it was too much for me . Sorry the op is an adult , to me the children always come first , do I love my SC as much as mine , no , would I dream of treating them differently? Absolutely not .
As for the excuse , they have a mum , yes they do but they only have a dad half of the time while OPs children have him 100% of the time . I’m assuming if her husband now said I’m ignoring our children 50% of the time so they do not benefit from my love , attention and care 100% to make it fare to all children , you would not agree with this ?

Is the dad unable to take his kids out while the OP is doing something with hers?

If he took them out and made an effort then they wouldn’t feel left out.

I completely agree but not all .

I grew up in a nuclear family .I’m a SM to 2 Ss and I wouldn’t dream of doing this to them . I’m the adult , the brunt of whatever I’m dealing with is mine , not to be passed to a child doesn’t matter whose child . I would never dream of excluding my SS,s

So many fathers expect their second wife to become a substitute mother for their children, mainly, I suspect, so that the women take on the major parenting work, thus freeing up the men to do what they want with their time.

This check in 100% nonsense is bullshit. OP signed up to be a step parent, not their mother. She has a responsibility to be kind and love them, but not to feel the same way about them as she does her own children.
She's not leaving every weekend, not refusing to do entire family events. As a child of a blended family I would have loved a chance for one on one time and your DP is an idiot if he isn't capitalising on that opportunity to do age appropriate things with his two during those moments.

Sorry to hear of your loss OP 💐 But I too think YABU. Of course you shouldn’t be expected to feel the same love for your SC as you do for your own. But you absolutely should not be treating them differently. Your husband & his kids come as a package, you chose to take that on. If they are only with you 50% of the time you have plenty of time to spend with just your DC. The 50% the SC are with you should be spent as much as a family as possible. I can’t believe anyone would say otherwise…

I do worry a little about adults seeking comfort from young children. I think you need to be careful about that....

My children come first @Cucucucu . My children know they are my top priority. There is no circumstance where i would ever put another child's needs before theirs. Life is hard, my children will know that they have me in their corner. I have a disdain for women who run around after their partners kids to show how kind they are, meanwhile her own kids get no quality time with their mother and their needs and wants are pushed to the bottom of the pile.

I think this is just it because I feel like I don't get tonnes of time to spend with my DC. Due to their mum's work we have DSC over practically every weekend (although she may take the occasional one off). I work all week so the only real opportunity I have to do something with my DC is at the weekend when everyone is here. Again, it's not ALL the time but can I really never just spend a day with my children occasionally?

It’s not your children's responsibility to heal you.

Lol so don't have kids with someone who's already a dad . It's quite simple. I'm sick of these women who meet men with kids act like they are cool stepmom who will accept their kids fully then they make sure to get their own kids off said man then sideline his existing kids

I do not see why you cant put all kids first, after all this is not a post of children against children , I feel disdain from people who think their partners children as some sort of competition and feel jealous of them . The op only has the DC 50% of the time at the house , she has plenty of time to give their own children one to one attention . I pity your SC

I think you are being unreasonable, sorry OP.

If you need more down time I suggest dropping a day at work and using it to improve your wellbeing. Then, focus on being present for your entire family at the weekends (which includes the stepchildren).

She can do what she wants, as can any other woman. You don’t need to like it.

She isn’t their mother, and she isn’t required to pretend to be.

@whumpthereitis she can and people can point out to her it makes her shitty
Nobody made her have kids with someone who was a father. His poor kids certainly didn't, it's not like they are with her full time and she needs a break, they are with her part time and that's still too much

Absolutely 💯. I can’t stand this Step mums who feel so threatened by their step kids they constantly feel the need to supposedly put their kids first . I do t know bay good pate t who doesn’t put their kids first , this wasn’t even in question , the question is why do people marry men with children and then test them as less important than their own children ? Do they expect their new husbands to love their common children more ? Honestly I wouldn’t even date my hubby if he didn’t have a active part in his sons life , his love for them is what made me want to have children with him , because I knew how amazing of a dad he was .

She isn’t ‘required’ to be anything by us, obviously!

It might however be a ‘requirement’ of a happy family life with her partner.

So, genuine question, I can never spend a day with my children without DSC otherwise I'm treating them badly?

Who said that ? I spend days with all of the kids individually including sc

Nobody has said that , you surely have time with them when the step kids aren't there? Can you imagine how it feels to those young kids? Oh we come round and stepmom and step siblings are having a lovely day by themselves