To have said this to DH about his children?

[INeedToEscapeSometimes]

I have gone through something really difficult recently, I don't want to go into detail mainly because I struggle to talk about it but it has really affected me and my view of life. At home it is me, DH, our shared DC and his older DC who stay with us 50% of the time.

I have felt quite smothered recently, I've not been able to take much time off work due to high demands and I feel burnt out, stressed and upset most of the time.

DH has been helping a lot at home, taking over the chores and things and has been comforting and affectionate.

But one thing I'm struggling with is having a full house so much after a full week at work. My SC are a lot sometimes and can be very full on and messy and I've been struggling to enjoy the time they are here.

As such I've been trying to take myself away a bit when they come. This has included taking my own DC out sometimes for the day just me and them and these days have been so special to me, I have been so comforted by little cuddles and watching them enjoy a day out or just getting home and having a little movie night with them in our bedroom. This is not constantly, sometimes I just take myself upstairs alone or go for a walk by myself and leave all the DC together, but occasionally my DC will ask to come up or I will take them somewhere nice for a little treat.

My DH said last night that he feels like I'm withdrawing too much from SC and I should include them too. He doesn't seem to understand I just need a bit of space right now and some wind down time. They are here most weekends so it just feels a lot.

Anyway, I ended up saying basically that I don't feel comfort from his children in the same way as ours, that they don't bring me the same peace or happiness spending time with them that our DC does and I need that right now.

He is upset by this and is saying things like how he thought I cared about them and loved them. He doesn't understand how that can be true but it's not the same as our DC. It feels more like work in a way our DC doesn't, less natural I guess.

Anyway, he's now saying he wants me to spend some solo time with SC to 'get over this'. But I just want to breathe for a bit. Not forever, just some time.

AIBU.

There is natural tendency to regress and move closer to their 'safest' family members for a while after there is a sudden bereavement or loss for example

Yes there probably is some of this going on I agree. I am terrified of something happening to my DC and there is a bit of needing to enjoy every moment whilst I have it with them type of thinking too. I try very very hard not to let my anxiety and upset show outwardly to them and they seem happy and just enjoying some extra down time with me.

How old are all of the children?

Left out by being given quality time with their father? Don’t be so ridiculous.

She’s not wrong and you’re being highly dramatic and clearly taking pleasure in kicking a woman who’s already struggling. Hope you feel good about yourself.

Yes it is normal.
Im also a step mum and I feel completely different about my step kid to my kids.
Its not cruel to spend time with your own kids.

This.

You knew he had kids. It's all about your feelings though. You're the adult. You need to think less about yourself and more about others.

Our DC are 5 and 3 and DSC are 9 and 10.

Why would you even say that to him? I’d be very upset if I were your husband. YABSU as I can’t imagine it’s nice for his kids to feel pushed to the side when you’re constantly treating your DC during the rough period that you’re going through

If he wants you to bond more with your SC then he needs to plan some family time which includes you all
But he must be in charge of the mental load the planning and the realisation of this Entirely

I don't doubt that ordinarily that you provide a lot of emotional labour for all dc and him.

Your current state is most likely a symptom of you having unmet needs and as your partner its his job to solve this while you are still vulnerable

I'm not sure if this has been suggested but have you considered speaking with a therapist? I really think you should.

You obviously need time to heal and working plus added noise/mess of a weekend can feel a lot but if these were all your kids around you all the time what would you do? Still favour the little lest one?

The sc are seemingly ok, but they're not daft and have probably asked their dad why you're spending less time with them or taking yourself off or taking the littlest one, and this will effect them even if they haven't asked as they'll be feeling unwelcome even though you are not trying to make them feel this way at all, I see that.

I really urge you should speak with a professional - I think we all should have a therapist we speak to throughout our lives. But I definitely believe they should be our go too when we are having a tough time in life, for whatever reason, they're trained to help. You still have to do the work but you'll get well quicker and clearer than going through this alone, even with family support, you're still blindly making your way through something that they can help you navigate quicker, safer and healthier.

I think it might be a bit deeper than that one is your one child and the other is not. Some people need space more than others. And people often are more comfortable and relaxed with one of their children than with the others. It might be their character or might be their age. I have one DC but a few friends who have 2 or 3 definitely said that it’s the case.

I personally feel very exhausted if I can’t be at the house on my own for quite a long time, I don’t like us eating altogether every time. I have a big gap with my sibling so grew up practically as one child and used to be a lot alone at home whereas DH’s experience was the opposite so at first he couldn’t relate to this and was a bit offended but then we started thinking where it’s coming from and it helped.
I think you need to talk to your DH again and explain that it’s about other differences as well, he probably hasn’t thought about them not only because they are both his children but he just probably is very different in personality then you are. In your case it might be that one child is happy with walk and ice cream whereas the other is constantly taking about their friendship issues and it’s more tiring for you.
You said things were fine so it’s definitely about your exhaustion not about your feelings for your SC.

There IS a difference. The SC have a mother already! She doesn't need to kill herself pretending to be a super duper second mum too.

This thread is going to wind me up I can tell, but OP please just know your instincts are right. I've just read your post about being bereaved and I'm so very sorry for your loss. Take all the time you need.

I would leave the thread now @INeedToEscapeSometimes you are just going to get a load of posters telling you your dsc should come first. They have their reasons for encouraging women to put themselves last especially where step kids are involved. I dont know what they are but it's fascinating. You don't need to be on the receiving end of it though 😁

Blossomtoes
Children aren’t there to give you “comfort”, it’s the other way round. As the stepmum of a blended family for over 20 years the key is treating all the kids the same. I can’t imagine how rejected they feel. Take some time alone by all means but stop differentiating between the kids. That’s just awful

This.

So many people aren't careful who they bring around their children. 'I want you but not your kids but I'll only voice this after marriage' is rife. A lot of the comments on thread show that this seperatism is deemed acceptable.

Of course bonding with SC is difficult. & you don't have to bond. But voicing it so specifically is out of order. Theres no excuse for it.

At least their Dad cares how they feel - because they'll know theyre being shut out its being made very obvious isn't it?- but he shouldnt be dismissed on MN by virtue of being a man. He's a parent too.

& OP your DC & SC are siblings so there's that.

I think your feelings are reasonable, but so are his worries that this will become a permanent division in the family or that his DC will notice and be upset.

It might be worth talking him through how having time alone and with your DC is helping you get back to being able to be fully part of your family life again. He might need some reassurance that that is your ultimate goal.

I'm genuinely sorry you are feeling the way you do but they are young kids who don't deserve to feel shunned. You marry a man with kids then have kids with him you have to expect to treat them the same as yours

If my DP couldn't handle and tbh assume that I felt this way about his kid then I wouldn't be with him. It's common sense. We shouldn't have to dance around parents assuming others will feel the same way about their kids as they do. They shouldn't expect it.

So he thinks you're withdrawing too much and you feel the need to withdraw. Perhaps meet somewhere in the middle. He is your partner and your actions are hurting him and his kids. I agree that you need to be able to withdraw at times, but you need to work as a team and treat each other like partners.

YANBU. Although I don't doubt you love and care for your DSC, it's not the same as your own. He won't ever understand that. There's no fix for something like that unfortunately. But I would just keep quiet and try a little bit harder for the sake of your family.

I hope you feel better x

@aSofaNearYou no we don't have to but equally it's a choice to get involved with someone who is already a parent

I have said already to him that I will do family days out if he wants to plan something, I'm not stopping him and I will go and make the effort but I do not right now have the headspace or energy for solo time with them and I also don't want to stop ever doing things alone with my DC either, which again is not constant, it is occasionally.

My relationship and lack of unconditional love or acceptance from my stepfather has polluted my relationship with my mother. He arrived circa 1976 when I was 16. I am now 63.

You need to sort yourself out and 100% accept your stepchildren. They came as part of the package you signed up to.

Check in 100% or check out 100%.

He should be using the opportunity to spend one on one time with his own kids like his kids he has with you get when they're at their mums. It's your responsibility to be nice to them but you don't have to treat them the same as your kids, because they're not your kids. Mumsnet will tell you how awful you are for favouring your own children but that's natural. If you weren't with DH he would still see his children, you wouldn't. They are his responsibility, all the extra care etc you do is a bonus. Totally with you OP. Don't let him guilt trip you and share his responsibility

Remember OP this is mumsnet… they hate stepmums and your step kids should always be put first, regardless of the circumstances or if you have your own kids.

You spending time with the little ones gives him one and one time with the ‘big kids’. If he framed it like that then they wouldn’t be feeling left out.
It’s definitely true than when you suffer a big loss you cling to those closest and it’s perfectly natural that is your own children. Your oh is being unreasonable. Maybe that’s out of genuine concern for his children, but he can easily counteract that by putting a bit of work and thought in, not putting it back on you at a time where it’s a chore just to function.

Couldn't have said it better myself.