To have said this to DH about his children?

[INeedToEscapeSometimes]

I have gone through something really difficult recently, I don't want to go into detail mainly because I struggle to talk about it but it has really affected me and my view of life. At home it is me, DH, our shared DC and his older DC who stay with us 50% of the time.

I have felt quite smothered recently, I've not been able to take much time off work due to high demands and I feel burnt out, stressed and upset most of the time.

DH has been helping a lot at home, taking over the chores and things and has been comforting and affectionate.

But one thing I'm struggling with is having a full house so much after a full week at work. My SC are a lot sometimes and can be very full on and messy and I've been struggling to enjoy the time they are here.

As such I've been trying to take myself away a bit when they come. This has included taking my own DC out sometimes for the day just me and them and these days have been so special to me, I have been so comforted by little cuddles and watching them enjoy a day out or just getting home and having a little movie night with them in our bedroom. This is not constantly, sometimes I just take myself upstairs alone or go for a walk by myself and leave all the DC together, but occasionally my DC will ask to come up or I will take them somewhere nice for a little treat.

My DH said last night that he feels like I'm withdrawing too much from SC and I should include them too. He doesn't seem to understand I just need a bit of space right now and some wind down time. They are here most weekends so it just feels a lot.

Anyway, I ended up saying basically that I don't feel comfort from his children in the same way as ours, that they don't bring me the same peace or happiness spending time with them that our DC does and I need that right now.

He is upset by this and is saying things like how he thought I cared about them and loved them. He doesn't understand how that can be true but it's not the same as our DC. It feels more like work in a way our DC doesn't, less natural I guess.

Anyway, he's now saying he wants me to spend some solo time with SC to 'get over this'. But I just want to breathe for a bit. Not forever, just some time.

AIBU.

They are not being treated as second class citizens.

The OP is just taking some time for herself and spending some extra time with her kids.

That’s perfectly fine. She’s not ignoring the SC.

I think it might be better to try to reframe it to say that you need to spend time more quality time with your DC as they have recently suffered a loss too.

I completely understand how you feel, but I don’t think it needed to be voiced to your DH. It’s not an easy message to digest.

I've had a traumatic year and feel similar about my SK. Their dad (my DP) understands that I'm struggling to function and look after my own tricky health issues and support my DC, so he takes full responsibility for SK needs, spends quality time with them, cooks, ferries them round etc. Fortunately he takes his role as their parent really seriously and prioritises their needs when they are with us, just as I prioritise looking after my DC.

The 'you signed up for this' brigade need to bore the fuck off

All you’ve done is point out what should be obvious to him - that your relationship with your own children is different to the one you have with your stepchildren.

That isn’t treating them like they’re second class, any more than you’re second class by virtue of not being their mother. The stepchildren are there to have quality time with their father, not one-on-one child/mother time with you.

I probably could have phrased it better, I was trying to be honest not hurtful but I appreciate it must come across that way as we are all protective of our own children aren't we.

I think I just felt quite pressured during this conversation and a bit cornered, like more is being of expected of me right now than I have the energy to give.

When she’s asked it’s fair enough to voice.

Basically you’re burnt out and stressed, you have enough on your plate with your own kids and you can’t be bothered with someone else’s. Which is entirely reasonable and your DH needs to fuck off. Wanting you to spend time with step kids on your own - who does he think you are, their mother?!

Sorry you have suffered recently.
Have you thought of doing counselling? That would be space for yourself to heal without any kids with you.

There is natural tendency to regress and move closer to their 'safest' family members for a while after there is a sudden bereavement or loss for example. That's what you are experiencing. But you seem to be using the smaller kids like comforting cuddly toys.
Because it's not alone time you seek either.

Seeking solace in a method that changes or causes division in the family dynamic might not work well in the long run. Maybe you need further specific support than your own kids can provide. Only you know if that's true. Best wishes.

He wants you to feel the same way about his children from his previous relationship. He does not want to accept that you do not love them like you love your own child.

This is unreasonable on his part. Of course you feel differently about your own.

Step parenting is an often difficult and thankless task.

I think it's ok that he should spend exclusive time with his children from his first marriage. He may not want to, but that's a different issue. A lot of men find parenting boring and don't want to do it on their own.

I think it's okay that you want to spend time exclusively with your child, and it's okay that you find the step-parenting hard. It IS hard. They already have 2 parents. You are not their mother.

Continue doing whatever it is that you need to do in order to keep your life balanced. Being a working mum is hard. You do not have to do what your DH wants you to do. You are free to make your own decisions about what works for you.

…and we don’t even know that the stepchildren even want that with OP. This may be entirely down to the DH’s hang up about his children being considered differently. They’re all his children so he can feel like that and behave accordingly. They’re not all your children.

OP, this was the wrong forum to post on, MN hates stepmothers.
You are 100% entitled to do things with the children you birthed for gods sake. The fact that it even needs saying says alot. If your DH hasn't made any plans then go ahead. I'm guessing he expects YOU to sort out all that though eh?
Let your dsc spend some quality time with their father, if he can't be arsed sorting anything out then tough.
Very bluntly, he is delusional if he expects you to love and find comfort from his kids like your own. I mean it would make his life easier cos you'd organise everything for everyone but nah. Look after yourself. Stepmothers, for whatever reason, tend to put themselves at the bottom of the pile. Your needs AND wants matter just as much as everyone else's in your house and never let anyone dictate to you regarding your children. If he hasn't arranged anything then you carry on.

If you are feeling this bad you need to be signed off work sick with stress and take a proper break so it doesn't impact on your marriage and family. You've been pretty blunt and cruel about your SC to your husband. He will be feeling very isolated right now.

As a step parent , if you say anything negative about your SC you will be told your cruel , selfish and that they didn’t ask to be brought into a situation and you already knew your partner had kids so you don’t have the right to complain.
I think unless you are a step parent you can’t understand how complex it is. You are making a huge effort to include the SC children but in truth it is not the same as with your own DC who you grew and have nurtured. I love my SC but it’s tiring as I don’t want to tell them off or upset them or cross the wrong line where as with my children I would just say - don’t do x. It becomes exhausting and I do find I get anxious before my SC come . People will say - well you don’t love them. I truly do but it’s more like having nephews and nieces . It’s lovely to see them, you care for them but you are relieved when they leave .

I would never say to DH I get more joy from our own children then my SC. I’m sure he knows this deep down.

I just wanted to say you need to take time for you . It’s okay to feel as you do xx

He shouldn't expect you to OP, he needs to reframe his expectations to be more realistic. Whether he thinks you should ignore your feelings on the off chance it bothers them is another matter (I don't), but he should not be surprised these are your feelings and should be mature enough to realise people feel differently about their own kids.

This. Children aren’t there to give you “comfort”, it’s the other way round. As the stepmum of a blended family for over 20 years the key is treating all the kids the same. I can’t imagine how rejected they feel. Take some time alone by all means but stop differentiating between the kids. That’s just awful.

Oh give over with the guilt shit.

She's not treating them "badly" At all - and they are there to see their DAD mainly, she has no specific obligation to them.

She also needs to protect her own mental health first and foremost.

Honestly step mums get such a rap on this site.

OP YANBU. It's such a jump for your DH to say you don't love and care for them when you just need some temporary time out! He needs to understand your point of view too.

It should be pretty obv that she loves her own kids more and finds them more comforting then his kids.
She’s allowed to take herself off and spend time on her own to heal.
That’s not blunt or cruel. It’s common sense.

If you need mental health help you should get it , but what you are doing will affect your relationship to your SC and your partners relationship to his SC . Sorry but you are an adult you should put the children first , yours ir his shouldn’t make a difference

This is how I thought, I appreciate it's not nice to hear but why should I even need to say it? Its normal surely?

Surely this also allows your SC quality time with their dad as well? It doesn't read to me that they are being treated poorly, just that you are taking some time and space during which they should be benefiting by more one on one time with the parent they are staying with.

Is your DP normally hands on with his own children? There's an element of this that reads as though he's inconvenienced by your days out.

I suspect OP has had a bereavement too which means he should be extra careful with his words!

You’re in the wrong, and you’re being selfish. You are the adult, the step children may not be yours but they are children and when you got into a relationship with their dad that means putting their needs before yours, as you do with your own kids. Imagine how left out they might feel, it isn’t nice.

It is not awful to want to spend time with your own kids. It’s also pretty normal for your kids to make you happy and being you comfort without knowing it.

Nope @Cucucucu OP needs to put herself first at the moment. It does children no good to watch an adult sacrifice their own wellbeing. Believe me.

Family life is difficult you're not coping, have you got in touch with a gp about feeling so detatched from your responsibilities?