To have said this to DH about his children?

[INeedToEscapeSometimes]

I have gone through something really difficult recently, I don't want to go into detail mainly because I struggle to talk about it but it has really affected me and my view of life. At home it is me, DH, our shared DC and his older DC who stay with us 50% of the time.

I have felt quite smothered recently, I've not been able to take much time off work due to high demands and I feel burnt out, stressed and upset most of the time.

DH has been helping a lot at home, taking over the chores and things and has been comforting and affectionate.

But one thing I'm struggling with is having a full house so much after a full week at work. My SC are a lot sometimes and can be very full on and messy and I've been struggling to enjoy the time they are here.

As such I've been trying to take myself away a bit when they come. This has included taking my own DC out sometimes for the day just me and them and these days have been so special to me, I have been so comforted by little cuddles and watching them enjoy a day out or just getting home and having a little movie night with them in our bedroom. This is not constantly, sometimes I just take myself upstairs alone or go for a walk by myself and leave all the DC together, but occasionally my DC will ask to come up or I will take them somewhere nice for a little treat.

My DH said last night that he feels like I'm withdrawing too much from SC and I should include them too. He doesn't seem to understand I just need a bit of space right now and some wind down time. They are here most weekends so it just feels a lot.

Anyway, I ended up saying basically that I don't feel comfort from his children in the same way as ours, that they don't bring me the same peace or happiness spending time with them that our DC does and I need that right now.

He is upset by this and is saying things like how he thought I cared about them and loved them. He doesn't understand how that can be true but it's not the same as our DC. It feels more like work in a way our DC doesn't, less natural I guess.

Anyway, he's now saying he wants me to spend some solo time with SC to 'get over this'. But I just want to breathe for a bit. Not forever, just some time.

AIBU.

When you say DH has taken on the chores do you mean he has taken on the lion's share or all of the housework? It's quite difficult to tell if you are unreasonable given we don't know what is going on in your life and how long it's been going on for or how long it will continue. Is it the sort of thing you can visit the GP for or take other steps to get better or are you just relying on your DH and DCs for comfort? If your DH is working full time and taking on the household chores, then you just clear off with your own DCs or disappear into your room I can understand why he is getting fed up. Does he get any downtime?

It's fine to want to spend time with your bio children every so often but it sounds like you are completely detaching from your SDCs, which is very unhealthy for all the children involved and not something that can continue long term.

Why would she leave her kids behind to take the Step children out?

Agreed. Why would the opportunity to babysit with no emotional reward help someone in OP's position?

If the children and your partner noticed then I doubt it’s only every once in a while . They are very young . If they were teens then they could probably grasp more . If you were telling us I need alone time and actually spending time alone that would be ok .

When can he have a lovely day with your joint children?

Is there any way his ex can have the children more at weekends (at least temporarily?)

And you do have the school holidays coming up. What then?

Completely understand how you feel. But as a former stepchild, I can tell you that this will be noticed, and they will feel second best, and this is a horribly profound feeling that will affect their future relationships. Try to have fun with all 4 of them. It's very tough OP as I have also been a stepparent and it is very hard and thankless and one's own kids do not grate on one half as much......but I think the wellbeing of the SC should come first here. Nobody should feel second choice in their own home...especially not children.

When you say DH has taken on the chores do you mean he has taken on the lion's share or all of the housework?

Typically I did most of everything before as he was working longer hours (from home a lot of the time). Now he's taken on a lot, not all, of what I was doing like cooking in the evenings, washing etc.. more school runs than before.

I do not just take myself off to my room all evening. But sometimes after tea or on a Sunday afternoon or whatever I might just need an hour or so to read a book alone or something. Occasionally my DC will ask to get in bed with me and we'll watch a film on a Sunday afternoon. It's never said in a 'no one is allowed to enter' way and it tends to be my DC that request it when that happens.

I don't have step children @Cucucucu I am currently supporting my SIL while she separates from a man who already had two children. She wasn't allowed to do anything without including her step children (it was a whole thing, she was seen as general dogsbody) and she finally ended things when he carried on because she wanted to take her younger two to a caravan for the weekend. They were craving time with their mum. She has sacrificed her OWN children's wellbeing and put ignored their needs for the sake of his two. She will regret that for the rest of her life. The whole family have always taking her two on days out, holidays and make a point of fussing over them to make them feel like they matter just as much as the older two.
You are right in a way though... I knew how I wanted to raise my kids and it just wouldn't work with a man who felt entitled to my time and money for his kids. So I stayed away from men with children. The problem is, women get with these men and in their desperate bid to show how nice they are they take everything on. Then they have their own children and their priorities naturally change and sends everyone off kilter.

Whenever he wants, I've never said you can't ever take our children anywhere. I've also said if he wants to go on some family days that's fine.

Are they there to 'see their mum' at her house?

Or are they just spending time in one of their homes with one of their parents?

No emotional reward?! Crikey.

This is very balanced and perceptive.

I do think if this was coming the other way round everyone would be saying ‘love me love my kids!” “treat them all the same it’s not about how you feel!”

It depends how much it’s happening but if a lot of the time your SK are there you take yourself off with your children then SKs might be feeling unwanted and unwelcome in what will feel to them like your home, instead of their home. It will be emphasising division.

I’m not saying you’re being particularly U as you’ve obviously been through a lot, but I am wondering if you’re ready for this sort of relationship/ SKs. I feel like this relationship may not last. I hope you are getting support.

Mn at its finest. Someone is struggling with their mental health after an life changing event and people attack because she's struggling to put a happy face on for visiting sdc who visit every weekend. Surely the dm should be spending some quality time with them why is it always on op?

Op if you want to chat your welcome to pm me.

Those attacking op should be ashamed on yourselves. Like I said in my pp perspective is key everyone's is different but it's quite clear to see op is struggling at the moment with her mental health and that is priority.

No emotional reward?! Crikey.

Crikey what? People need to accept reality. I love spending time with my kids even though it's hard work because seeing them having a good time warms my heart, these are parental instincts. Doing the same for other people's children is not the same, it does not have that affect. Nice moments can be had, but essentially, it's just babysitting. Would you expect a babysitter to feel particularly moved by time spent with the child?

Part of the problem seems to be that you need downtime but you are putting it all into family time. Given your circumstances, can you not talk to your employers about having, say, six months or a year where you work a shorter week or shorter hours so that you can your "me time" when you would previously have been working, and also use that time for doing things with your own children during the week? That way you wouldn't feel so burnt out by the weekend and perhaps could cope with family activities more.

I wish more people would understand this before agreeing to be stepparents. They can literally create lifelong emotional issues for people if they’re not up to it. As I said stepparenting isn’t for me but at least I’m honest about that.

OP you said in your reply to me you only take the kids out “occasionally” but that’s a vague /slightly subjective term - perhaps occasionally to you is a lot in the memory of your stepchildren or even in the eyes of your partner. If it literally happens only once or twice a year that is different perhaps but anymore than that and it will be picked up on. There’s literally adults in this thread telling you this has affected them for life when they were in your step kids situation.

If you had 4 dcs of the same age no one would say anything if you took the youngest out to do something and not the eldest and vice versa. I don’t take my eldest and my youngest to the same things all the time, they have different interests. What is dad doing with the older kids at the weekend? It would be dead easy to say the little ones are going to soft play so I’m taking you to the cinema to see superheroes and no one would care or feel left out, it would just be normal family life with different aged kids.

if they’re all sat waiting at home for you to be entertainment officer then that is unreasonable of your dh as he needs to step up with that as well, you are grieving, planning activities for four kids is work he needs to do at the moment. He chose to have another family knowing he already had one after all.

Because then they could spend one-on-one time with their father while she improves her relationship with the other children.

Now might not be the time but it's not an unreasonable suggestion for the future

Sorry you are having so much to deal with in your personal life, I really recommend counselling and/or cutting back on work time in order to address this. Perhaps you need to take some sick leave?

I’m sure this comes from a good place but I strongly disagree. Op is already doing the thing that helps her. She’s spending quality time with her dc which brings her comfort. Giving up the things that she needs to do in order to pick up her husband’s slack because he can’t or won’t do fun things with his own kids is frankly ridiculous.

There’s actually a really easy fix here. The dsc are around every weekend and she works full time so in my book op is already going above and beyond. There is no other opportunity for her to spend time with her dc other than when dsc are around. If she wants to take her own dc out, dh should arrange sn age appropriate activity with his own dc so that they are not missing out. Simple. Op has also suggested that he organise a bonding activity for the whole family which he is yet to do. Obviously it’s far easier for him to complain and get op to do the donkey work but the best thing for the kids is for their own df to step up and be a dad.

But then you'll be left with the SC?

That sounds like an abusive relationship. Nobody is saying people cannot time with their kids . In the op case the sc are not with them all the time . As an example we always take the SC ( if they want to ) on holidays with us . This year we had 3 holidays and the last one they are nit coming with is as they are with their mum on holiday . They had 2 big holidays with us already and none feels put aside . It also varies a lot with the children’s age , on op case the SC are very young and at a age where they will feel left out

Dropping a day at work would work great for me (although not feasible right now anyway) but it wouldn't create time to spend with my DC, one of which is in school and the other not long behind.

So if you need downtime, understandable, the only way to do it in your situation, is to go alone, and your dh takes all his children for days out.

Picking just some of your kids (which in a 9&10 year olds mind is what you're doing) is cruel.

This is the consequences for getting together with a man who already had kids, when you aren't prepared to be a step mother.

I own that I don't want to be a step mother, because I'd hate for a situation like this which could arise, and so, I don't date men with kids.

It’s the whole her kids/his kids thing that is sad, tbh. Yes it’s natural to feel more strongly towards your own kids than stepchildren but when you get married and make the choice to start a blended family then you need to act like a family. Otherwise you end up with kids who have a mum in one house and a dad in the other, but a home in neither.

Or maybe the actual parents could consider this before getting into a relationship with someone that isn’t their child/children’s other parent.

@INeedToEscapeSometimes

Have you considered getting some grief or bereavement counseling. It seems , intended or not, your grief is affecting your household.