To have said this to DH about his children?

[INeedToEscapeSometimes]

I have gone through something really difficult recently, I don't want to go into detail mainly because I struggle to talk about it but it has really affected me and my view of life. At home it is me, DH, our shared DC and his older DC who stay with us 50% of the time.

I have felt quite smothered recently, I've not been able to take much time off work due to high demands and I feel burnt out, stressed and upset most of the time.

DH has been helping a lot at home, taking over the chores and things and has been comforting and affectionate.

But one thing I'm struggling with is having a full house so much after a full week at work. My SC are a lot sometimes and can be very full on and messy and I've been struggling to enjoy the time they are here.

As such I've been trying to take myself away a bit when they come. This has included taking my own DC out sometimes for the day just me and them and these days have been so special to me, I have been so comforted by little cuddles and watching them enjoy a day out or just getting home and having a little movie night with them in our bedroom. This is not constantly, sometimes I just take myself upstairs alone or go for a walk by myself and leave all the DC together, but occasionally my DC will ask to come up or I will take them somewhere nice for a little treat.

My DH said last night that he feels like I'm withdrawing too much from SC and I should include them too. He doesn't seem to understand I just need a bit of space right now and some wind down time. They are here most weekends so it just feels a lot.

Anyway, I ended up saying basically that I don't feel comfort from his children in the same way as ours, that they don't bring me the same peace or happiness spending time with them that our DC does and I need that right now.

He is upset by this and is saying things like how he thought I cared about them and loved them. He doesn't understand how that can be true but it's not the same as our DC. It feels more like work in a way our DC doesn't, less natural I guess.

Anyway, he's now saying he wants me to spend some solo time with SC to 'get over this'. But I just want to breathe for a bit. Not forever, just some time.

AIBU.

anyone who marries a person who already has children is aware of the situation they're entering long before any marriage takes place.

No, they don't, actually. That's a common misconception on here. Many people that become step parents do not have their own kids and will not have thought about what is best for the child beyond just getting on with them. They will not have automatically come to the conclusion the parent might - that living with someone that doesn't view them as their own child would be bad for them. They might not have even considered it. Which is all the more reason for the actual parent to have done so, rather than assume their childless partner must "just know".

I don't agree that the proportion of posters who see their SC as their own until they have their own and then want to stop bothering with them is anywhere near as high as people claim it is. That's not even what's going on here, and it's often not really what's going on when people cite it as a "trend".

I think what I'm trying to say is that there are a lot of different ways to step parent and different levels of involvement work for different families. Some parents wouldn't want a new partner treating their DC as their own and expect only a friendly but fairly distant relationship, and would see any more as overstepping. Others have greater expectations. My point it, the onus is on the parent to be very clear how the relationship will work, then the prospective partner decides whether that works for them, with both sticking to that once agreed.
I don't think it harms DSC who have a mother of their own if their step mum doesn't adopt that role. What is harmful is the inconsistency, lack of agreement between the adults, and you're right, the change in relationship when step parents' own DC arrive on the scene.

I don’t think many mums on here would want SM viewing the children as theirs. I know people who have fabulous relationships between mum and SM, but they are rare.

What if you do view SC as yours and Dad decides to walk away at any point and you never see them again?

Indeed.

Mumsnet: "How dare you not give equal priority and love to your SC, even when in the throes of bereavement shared with your own children"

Also Mumsnet: "How dare you make $TRIVIALDECISIONOR_COMMENT about SC. You are not their mother".

Frankly if the DH wanted a family day out there was nothing to stop him organising it. Ditto a day out with just his older children who will have different interests from the youngest.