To not want partner to go to wedding without me?

[forfarhill]

Okay so obviously this is more complicated than just the title, so let me try and explain
without writing a novel!

I am engaged to my partner and we have a 14 month old. We’re currently having a very rough patch that I’m not sure our relationship will survive, but we both want to try and work it out.

The rough patch started after my partner decided he was going to buy a motorbike (one of my big deal breakers, he already does extreme sport and he had to borrow money for the bike), we argued over it a bit, then he decided to get a tattoo in a developing country whilst on holidays at a family wedding despite me asking him not. I couldn’t attend the wedding as it was not child friendly, but I encouraged him to go.

After he informed me he’d gone ahead and got the tattoo we had a massive argument, this is while he’s still overseas. I told him he’s prioritising his wants over his own child and fiancé. That before making big permanent decisions he should at least consider and consult his family. I should also point out the I have an OS trip planned that’s been 6 years in the making, that he was meant to be coming on, instead he took his holiday leave to visit his mates, and instead of delaying the bike purchase so he could afford to go he chose to get the bike.

So we argued and then agreed to talk when he got home. He went to the wedding and then out clubbing with his mates.

He texted as usual for the rest of his trip. When he got home I could tell something was off, he came out with that he needs ‘space to consider if he can ever be happy in this relationship.’ And that he wants his freedom. This is all out of left field for me, sure we argued but it wasn’t this serious.

About three days later he confesses he screwed some random girl from
the club because he ‘thought we were done’. Which is bullshit. We’ve been together 8 years, I never would’ve ended it over text and he knew that and even agreed to discuss it when he got home.

So he’s now living at his parents while we organise couples therapy and see if we can unf**k this mess he’s made.

In the meantime he’s been invited to a friends wedding, he’s only known this person around 9 months, and this wedding is while I will be away OS. I’ve told him I think it’s super inappropriate for him to attended without me, given the current circumstances and the fact I currently don’t trust him. He thinks I should not be worried and it’ll be fine as he only cheated because ‘he thought we were over’ but I think he obviously can’t be around girls and drink without there being a risk. Besides this is all very fresh, of course I’m not going to trust him!! I feel if he wants to work things out then he needs to prioritise me and what I need currently to be comfortable.

WIBU if I told him this is a nonnegotiable boundary for me and he’s not to go?

Yup. The wedding is definitely the problem here.

I do get where you are coming from this and I can certainly see why he is totally untrustworthy but I also think this 'banning' thing is wrong too

you either trust him or don't, he is not a child and if he is going to cheat AGAIN he will do so

I will not have another person tell me what I am allowed to do or not

I don’t really think the relationship is worth saving.

Firstly, he’s cheated on you.

secondly, he’s not acting as a partner. I agree that major finance purchases, holidays etc should be agreed on.

itvseems odd that he’s been invited to a wedding from a newish friend also.

That’s just it though, this happened 6 weeks ago. I currently don’t trust him. It’s going to take time to regain that trust. I’ve always been very, very accommodating when he has events or competitions that I cannot attend. I feel like just once he could choose to sacrifice something for me and my comfort.
He could also take the leave he’ll use for the wedding to see his daughter, but he hasn’t considered that either.

I've got to be honest, it doesn't sound like there is anything to salvage here. Rs told you in multiple ways that he doesn't respect you or value your opinion.

The tattoo is so dangerous and he should get tested for HIV, he will have no idea of the cleanliness of the needles. Regardless of anything else you should not be having unprotected sex with him until he has the all clear.

Similarly he needs a full sexual health screening due to his infidelity- which he doesn't sounds particularly remorseful about.....it's very "Ross from Friends" and his "We were on a break"!

The motorcycle purchase is the least of your worries in my mind.

Honestly some of this is on me, I’ve been perhaps too accommodating when it came to him pursuing his hobbies, passions and visiting friends and he’s just come to expect it. He’s honestly been away doing stuff more than he’s even been home since the baby. I was trying to prioritise his mental health and what he needed to keep that level but in the process I’ve neglected my own needs.

I think he obviously can’t be around girls and drink without there being a risk.

I understand where you are coming from, but if this is how you really feel I doubt your relationship is going to survive his infidelity.

Rebuilding trust will take a long time. How do you plan on keeping him away from "girls and drink" for many months/years? Do you really want to spend the foreseeable future worrying that the next infidelity is right a round the corner?

Obviously it’s not, but I have to draw a boundary somewhere and I feel this might be the place to do it and see what shakes down.

The relationship is over.

The wedding isn’t the issue here.

I’ve never felt this way ever. Not once in eight years. And he’s been off on many solo adventures. But 6 weeks after he cheated? While our relationship is on wobbly ground? Yeah I feel that way.

I feel if he does this one thing then we can gradually rebuild trust, I don’t intend to try and stop him seeing his friends but I will be expecting him to drink in moderation and keep in contact. Also mostly he will be local, this is an interstate wedding (so hotels) and it’s happening whilst I’m not even in the same time zone.

What’s his involvement with the baby?
Sounds like you’re on in your own there.
Which, you may as well be in that case…

I’m beginning to feel that way, but I want to try. I want my little family. I know it’s probably stupid but there it is.

Exactly. I’ve already had him have a full screening for everything and I’ll send him
back in three months again.

I have definitely been doing all the heavy lifting. And I’ve been mostly content with that, as I thought I was doing the right thing by him for his mental health.
But obviously it hasn’t worked very week for me, and he’s definitely been prioritising friends, motorcycles and holidays over his own chid. When he e go to therapy we’re going to hash out expectations and adjustments, because obviously what was happening isn’t sustainable.

I thought I was replying direct but I’ve screwed that up a bit! Here’s my reply to you:

I’ve never felt this way ever. Not once in eight years. And he’s been off on many solo adventures. But 6 weeks after he cheated? While our relationship is on wobbly ground? Yeah I feel that way.

I feel if he does this one thing then we can gradually rebuild trust, I don’t intend to try and stop him seeing his friends but I will be expecting him to drink in moderation and keep in contact. Also mostly he will be local, this is an interstate wedding (so hotels) and it’s happening whilst I’m not even in the same time zone.

Obviously it’s not, but I have to draw a boundary somewhere and I feel this might be the place to do it and see what shakes down.

You are doing far too much work to get this relationship to work.

It's obvious he isn't interested in acommodating you at all.

He sounds like he feels very entitled to make decisions that suit him with no consideration of you or your feelings.

Even it you set this boundary he is likely to ignore it or be resentful or paint you as difficult/etc etc. Go ahead and set it, but start planning to leave this guy as you deserve much better and things will only get harder for you the longer you stay with him.

I voted YABU, because holy fuck, you need to raise your standards. It's incredibly obvious from your posts that this guy sees you as a stone hanging around his neck, preventing him from having any fun. He doesn't give a shit about your feelings and he doesn't want to change anything about his life.

The cheating should have been the final straw. Leopards don't change their spots. Don't put up with it. Call off the engagement and LTB. You're doing yourself a disservice.

I agree, I’ve been doing all the work. He’s saying he’s willing to do the work now to try and repair things, but I’m not convinced yet. Glaringly the biggest indicator of this is the fact he even wants to go to this wedding knowing how I feel.

He thinks I should not be worried and it’ll be fine as he only cheated because ‘he thought we were over’

This is such a lame and pathetic excuse. He somehow mistakenly thought you'd broken off your long-term relationship (that includes a child)?! He didn't try to clarify that before hopping into bed with someone else? Oops.🙄

I guess you could start handing down ultimatums and kill some time with couples therapy, but I don't think it will change a thing. I'm sorry, but nothing you posted here would make me think this man has what it takes to repair your relationship. It doesn't even sound like he wants to. I'm sorry.

His behaviour was clearly awful, but you can't keep him locked up. Either you can move past what happened or you can't and it's the end. He's an adult, he can get a tattoo and go to weddings and you can't ban these things and expect to stay together.

You sound very controlling tbh, like why should he ask you about getting a bloody tattoo? I think he has found the freedom he wants, sorry OP.

I agree, it’s a lame excuse and I’ve called him out. His parents have called him out. He’s not living in reality, I am slightly concerned he might be having some kind of manic episode.

I don’t think ultimatums are great, I would ideally like to have boundaries we can agree on and adjust as we move forward.

I currently agree that he’s not showing much promise in the fixing thing department, I guess I’m a glutton for punishment but I would like to try. It’s all so difficult. And I feel sorry for my poor baby.

He wants to be free. He is showing you this by his actions over and over.
I understand you want your little family but this guy is just not a family man. Trying to mold him into one will cause endless fights and heartache, because he doesn't want a settled and committed family life.
Sure he might let you occasionally believe that's what he wants for an easy life. Keep you quiet.
So what if he doesn't go to the wedding? Then there will be other reasons to blow his money on fun things for himself. Reasons to sleep with other women. Run.

Oh yes so controlling. He spends at least two nights a week out drinking with mates, went on a two week holiday without me, and regularly travels for his hobby without me too. He’s currently living in his parents spare room and I’m not keeping tabs.

The tattoo? I‘m a public health officer. The country he was in? Not regulated. So no I don’t think he should’ve got a tattoo there. And I don’t think it’s unreasonable to consult your partner before a permanent body modification. I mean I certainly would.

He is free. The only thing he’s not free to do is fuck other people. But apparently that’s not enough.

He’ll actually be less free outside of our relationship, he currently can afford to work part time as I own our house and he doesn’t pay rent or a mortgage.

Our child was discussed and planned, I didn’t trap him, it wasn’t an accident. So this behaviour is even more confusing due to that.