To not want partner to go to wedding without me?

[forfarhill]

Okay so obviously this is more complicated than just the title, so let me try and explain
without writing a novel!

I am engaged to my partner and we have a 14 month old. We’re currently having a very rough patch that I’m not sure our relationship will survive, but we both want to try and work it out.

The rough patch started after my partner decided he was going to buy a motorbike (one of my big deal breakers, he already does extreme sport and he had to borrow money for the bike), we argued over it a bit, then he decided to get a tattoo in a developing country whilst on holidays at a family wedding despite me asking him not. I couldn’t attend the wedding as it was not child friendly, but I encouraged him to go.

After he informed me he’d gone ahead and got the tattoo we had a massive argument, this is while he’s still overseas. I told him he’s prioritising his wants over his own child and fiancé. That before making big permanent decisions he should at least consider and consult his family. I should also point out the I have an OS trip planned that’s been 6 years in the making, that he was meant to be coming on, instead he took his holiday leave to visit his mates, and instead of delaying the bike purchase so he could afford to go he chose to get the bike.

So we argued and then agreed to talk when he got home. He went to the wedding and then out clubbing with his mates.

He texted as usual for the rest of his trip. When he got home I could tell something was off, he came out with that he needs ‘space to consider if he can ever be happy in this relationship.’ And that he wants his freedom. This is all out of left field for me, sure we argued but it wasn’t this serious.

About three days later he confesses he screwed some random girl from
the club because he ‘thought we were done’. Which is bullshit. We’ve been together 8 years, I never would’ve ended it over text and he knew that and even agreed to discuss it when he got home.

So he’s now living at his parents while we organise couples therapy and see if we can unf**k this mess he’s made.

In the meantime he’s been invited to a friends wedding, he’s only known this person around 9 months, and this wedding is while I will be away OS. I’ve told him I think it’s super inappropriate for him to attended without me, given the current circumstances and the fact I currently don’t trust him. He thinks I should not be worried and it’ll be fine as he only cheated because ‘he thought we were over’ but I think he obviously can’t be around girls and drink without there being a risk. Besides this is all very fresh, of course I’m not going to trust him!! I feel if he wants to work things out then he needs to prioritise me and what I need currently to be comfortable.

WIBU if I told him this is a nonnegotiable boundary for me and he’s not to go?

I guess there just is something wrong with me.

Yes and no. Yes in that you have very low self respect and in situations like this it's painfully evident. You don't however deserve any of this from him - that's on him, not you.

When we stick around to take poor behaviour off other people, it's signalling to them that you have no self worth. When they see we are afraid to be alone, or afraid this is our only chance at a family /marriage/ a lovely house, they sense that.

He thinks you are easy to manipulate and therefore has no respect for you. After all, there's been a laundry list of shitty behaviour that you've accepted before this so now he's escalated to a motorbike, a tattoo and even sticking his dick into another woman you are still agonising over whether to end it or not when a woman with a scrap more self respect at that point would have been changing the locks. He doesn't know your worth but that's because you don't either.

And I'm not being judgey, this is something I had to learn myself before I could have a healthy relationship. I'm with DH a long time now but I was really proud when, in the early stages I could express my wants and needs and be fully prepared to walk away unless I saw actions that indicated DH felt likewise. And even now, he's the love of my life, but I'm not afraid of being on my own if necessary. And I think him knowing that, knowing that I would walk away for unacceptable behaviour, shows him I know my worth - and therefore so does he.

Read what I wrote about the motorbike again. I said exactly that, that if it was his own money, fair enough he can spend it on what he likes but NOT if it's family money or means he can't contribute to the living costs. You've now said that he couldn't pay his fair share due to the motorbike, in which case, yes he shouldn't have bought it.

But I stand by what I said. This relationship is not working. You aren't compatible. He isn't interested in creating a proper family and supporting that family and pulling his weight.
And he's cheated. You don't trust him.
He'll do it again.
Relationship is dead.

Sorry OP, but you can do way better than this.

I think the idea that he can regain trust with a bit of time being grounded is a hiding to nothing for you both

Ultimately, you will have to work out if you can trust him or not. You'd be forgiven for not trusting him ever again. But if you want to try, you have to understand that you cannot control his behaviour with rules, demands or ultimatums. You really will just have to trust him - weddings or not. You can;t keep him within eyesight forever.

Also - and this really isn't the important part of all this - but you don't get to say whether another adult gets a tattoo.

Let him go. YOU deserve so much better than him.

This relationship will drive you mad. You cannot control what he does. You cannot make him love you and respect you. This is not a normal loving relationship. You can only control what YOU do. Take control. Set him free. Set yourself free of this douchebag.

You keep jumping on the responses where people have said things like you can’t stop him going for a tattoo or going to a wedding and then “interpreting” it as if people are saying that you are the problem here. When what people are actually meaning, or literally saying in my own case, is that these things are simply not the issue. You have much much bigger issues.

I would say that almost unanimously people have said that you need to end this shit show of a relationship. This man does not care about you, it isn’t going to change and of course you should be a priority but you will never be.

I got jumped on for saying that she doesn't get a say in whether he buys a motorbike or not if he's buying it with his own money. I went on to say if it was family money or meant he couldn't contribute his fair share to rent and bills, then yes, it's out of order.
I still got jumped on - OP saying she's not controlling etc. and saying that buying the bike meant he was short of money for a few months. Exactly my point - if he can't contribute fairly then yes, it's out of order, but an adult who wants to spend their own money (not family money) on something should be able to do so.

But I think OP is at the end of her tether and reacting badly to people's comments as a result. She'd be way better off with this horrible man out of her life.

if a loan is required to pay for his hobbies, then she absolutely gets a say. recreation spending needs to be what a household can afford and if it requires debt then it obviously isn’t on the budget.

Some of these replies are really harsh to my ears, so they must feel awful to you, @forfarhill.

I hope you can take comfort in the fact that no one has said you’re in the wrong and that this is all you deserve. You do deserve better, and once you’ve had time to digest the shock I hope you do realise that he’s not good enough for you. He possibly needs help, but you’re not his doctor.

There's a scene at the end of The Pursuit of Love by Nancy Mitford, @forfarhill, where there is a tea party in the garden with Fanny, her mother and her aunt, and they discuss their hopes that in the future women will not be limited to be a 'fixer' or a 'bolter'.

You should read it / watch it. We're nearly 80 years on. You're a fixer, and you don't need to be.

The wedding shouldn't be the issue I'm afraid

The fact that he bailed on the OS trip to prioritise a motorbike is a crappy thing to do!

And he cheated on you!!!

He is demonstrating you are not his priority :(

Op are you coming back? All this helpful advice and guidance in this thread and I get the feeling you will be listening to none of it. Probably marry the guy and have more kids 🙄

I think OP may be in a different time zone.

I’m here, I’ve had a busy day. I am listening.

You’re completely right not to want him to do these disrespectful and hurtful things. But you can’t make him not do them nor want to do them. I think that’s maybe why people are saying you are “controlling “. They are being a bit harsh, but that’s the difference. You can’t really make him do or not do what you want him to, or if you can, he’ll grow to actively dislike you.

I know you have children but why are you wasting your time?

You sound sensible ... but sorry to say you are deluded this guy will ever come good in the relationship.
No matter how much slack you cut him he still wants more.
End it and build a nice life with your DC.
You are just enabling his selfish I don't give a fuck behavior.
Save yourself years of anguish and dump him. Now.

You a being unreasonable about he wedding.

You are also being unreasonable trying to make this relationship work because to be frank it's fucked. Get some self worth and leave this waste of space.

I think you need to ask yourself, is this the kind of man you want in your life? Is this the kind of father figure you want your baby to have?

The cheating, for me, isn't even the deal breaker, he sounds like an absolute child who needs a dose of reality and he won't get that if you keep accommodating his behaviour. You already know what you should do. Unfortunately, that doesn't make doing it any easier.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. As far as I can see, you are stuck somewhere in the Kübler Ross grief cycle. Of course, you are. You've lost the life you thought you were going to have and it's going to take you a while to come to terms with that.
In my opinion, you shouldn't waste your money on joint counselling. Use it on counselling for yourself. Hopefully, a good therapist will be able to get you through your current bargaining phase, support you through the depression phase and help you to reach acceptance. Then you'll be in a much better place to assess what you would like to do with the rest of your life. All the very best to you and your daughter with whatever that may be.

Sorry, didn't see someone had revived an old thread.

Hi there

I've just read this post and many of the replies!

Just wondering where you're at just now with the situation? I hope things have improved if you decided to keep trying at the relationship x

You haven’t been supporting this man’s mh, you’ve been enabling him to screw you and your child over. All his disposable income to fund his lifestyle is down to your enablement.

He’s a rubbish dad and H and your desperation for the ‘little family’ fairytale has brought you here. Setting boundaries once the horse has bolted is futile.

I get it, I really do but your relationship was built on the foundation of he does whatever he feels like and you going along with it. A child hasn’t changed him or his expectations. You married a child in the hopes he’d grow up to be a man and that hasn’t and isn’t going to happen.

Your ‘if he could only see’ desperation is palpable but the thing is, he does see, he just doesn’t care enough to change. You holding on soooo tightly to someone who sees you and his child as an option will exhaust you. The only person who benefits from prioritising someone who treats them as an option, is the person being prioritised.

I know your going to try but try not to lose your dignity and sanity in the process.

I know this is an old thread, but if you’re still there OP I hope life has worked out better for you since this happened. It sounds like your partner experienced what a disappointingly large proportion of men do when they have a child - which is some kind of midlife crisis where they realise they are not the sole centre of their partner’s universe any more and that they have responsibilities. It makes me sick when they are so selfish. They are essentially jealous and resentful of THEIR OWN child!!!! If you were doing all the work yourself anyway which it sounds like you were/are then becoming a single parent for the time being shouldn’t be any different in terms of your responsibilities and work load. He clearly isn’t pulling his weight. Obviously emotionally it’ll be very different and you’ve been together a fairly long time so it’s understandable you hesitating ending it. But this person is clearly the epitome of selfishness OP. The fact you won’t be able to trust him after what he’s done will affect your mental health as it sounds like he has no intention of trying to do better, reassure you or make any sort of an effort. It’s almost like he’s punishing you, which shows his immaturity and the kind of person he has become now. Maybe you turned a blind eye to it before you had your baby or maybe it’s evolved since becoming a parent, but it sounds like this is the person he is CHOOSING to be now and is determined to put his needs above yours and his own child’s. You and your baby deserve so much better than this and he doesn’t seem to be adding anything positive to your lives, in fact the opposite. I’d ditch him before he decides to leave and if he has left already you are so much better off without him. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Good luck for the future and you and your little one’s happiness, I’m positive that you will overcome this and things will get a lot better for you. I hope you are receiving lots of support as you both deserve it and you deserve to be happy x

Wow. And you're with him why? I think he's trying to get you to dump him to be honest, I don't think anyone would stay with someone who clearly has no respect for them

He's a cheat OP. He will more than likely cheat again. A wedding will give him no more opportunity than the gym, a lads night out etc. Unfortunately there will always be a situation in which is could arise again. If I were you I'd let him go and move on yourself eventually when you are ready to