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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want partner to go to wedding without me?

350 replies

forfarhill · 21/06/2023 03:30

Okay so obviously this is more complicated than just the title, so let me try and explain
without writing a novel!

I am engaged to my partner and we have a 14 month old. We’re currently having a very rough patch that I’m not sure our relationship will survive, but we both want to try and work it out.

The rough patch started after my partner decided he was going to buy a motorbike (one of my big deal breakers, he already does extreme sport and he had to borrow money for the bike), we argued over it a bit, then he decided to get a tattoo in a developing country whilst on holidays at a family wedding despite me asking him not. I couldn’t attend the wedding as it was not child friendly, but I encouraged him to go.

After he informed me he’d gone ahead and got the tattoo we had a massive argument, this is while he’s still overseas. I told him he’s prioritising his wants over his own child and fiancé. That before making big permanent decisions he should at least consider and consult his family. I should also point out the I have an OS trip planned that’s been 6 years in the making, that he was meant to be coming on, instead he took his holiday leave to visit his mates, and instead of delaying the bike purchase so he could afford to go he chose to get the bike.

So we argued and then agreed to talk when he got home. He went to the wedding and then out clubbing with his mates.

He texted as usual for the rest of his trip. When he got home I could tell something was off, he came out with that he needs ‘space to consider if he can ever be happy in this relationship.’ And that he wants his freedom. This is all out of left field for me, sure we argued but it wasn’t this serious.

About three days later he confesses he screwed some random girl from
the club because he ‘thought we were done’. Which is bullshit. We’ve been together 8 years, I never would’ve ended it over text and he knew that and even agreed to discuss it when he got home.

So he’s now living at his parents while we organise couples therapy and see if we can unf**k this mess he’s made.

In the meantime he’s been invited to a friends wedding, he’s only known this person around 9 months, and this wedding is while I will be away OS. I’ve told him I think it’s super inappropriate for him to attended without me, given the current circumstances and the fact I currently don’t trust him. He thinks I should not be worried and it’ll be fine as he only cheated because ‘he thought we were over’ but I think he obviously can’t be around girls and drink without there being a risk. Besides this is all very fresh, of course I’m not going to trust him!! I feel if he wants to work things out then he needs to prioritise me and what I need currently to be comfortable.

WIBU if I told him this is a nonnegotiable boundary for me and he’s not to go?

OP posts:
GulfCoastBeachGirl · 21/06/2023 04:15

He spends at least two nights a week out drinking with mates, went on a two week holiday without me, and regularly travels for his hobby without me too. He’s currently living in his parents spare room and I’m not keeping tabs.

You are not describing a man that wants to settle down, commit to a relationship and raise a family. The cheating was just the icing on the cake.

Original poster
forfarhill · 21/06/2023 04:18

Oysterbabe · 21/06/2023 04:04

His behaviour was clearly awful, but you can't keep him locked up. Either you can move past what happened or you can't and it's the end. He's an adult, he can get a tattoo and go to weddings and you can't ban these things and expect to stay together.

I think everyone is getting this a bit wrong. I do not want to lock him up. I want him to, just once, show he can prioritise me and his child. Is it really so odd I don’t want him going to a wedding with a bunch of people who are into drinking in excess? Where there will be bunches of single women? Six weeks after he blew up our lives?

He’s been out with his mates several times locally already. He’s not at home. He’s not helping bath and put his child to bed. Is it really that awful to want him to actually put in some effort?

As for the tattoo, his body he can do what he likes, but in a country with no regulations where he could catch something? No not really cool. Also he would be very upset if I went off and got a boob job without discussing it with him. If we’re partners should he not at least discuss permanent body modifications?

OP posts:
Original poster
forfarhill · 21/06/2023 04:20

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 21/06/2023 04:15

He spends at least two nights a week out drinking with mates, went on a two week holiday without me, and regularly travels for his hobby without me too. He’s currently living in his parents spare room and I’m not keeping tabs.

You are not describing a man that wants to settle down, commit to a relationship and raise a family. The cheating was just the icing on the cake.

I guess not. Which makes it all the more confusing he chose to propose and wanted to start a family.

His mother thinks he’s having a difficult time adjusting to fatherhood. I just don’t know anymore.

OP posts:
CrazyArmadilloLady · 21/06/2023 04:22

No, it’s not ‘really so odd….’ or ‘really so awful….’ - but you shouldn’t have to want or need this.

You (rightly) do need this because you can’t trust him as far as you can throw him.

That’s the issue.

And it doesn’t look as if he wants to comply, so …. what are you going to do?

‘Let’ him go anyway? What choice do you have, if you won’t break up with him (he knows you won’t, so he just does what he wants anyway)?

ringsaglitter · 21/06/2023 04:27

He's already broken up with you. He's just waiting for you to say the words.

ZekeZeke · 21/06/2023 04:27

He cheated on you.
He should be doing everything in his power to make up for this, not swanning off.

Honestly it doesn't sound like he wants to be in a relationship/be a father.

Please don't have unprotected sex, don't get married and have another child. He has shown you who he is, he will cheat again.

You need to dump him.

GameofStrife · 21/06/2023 04:29

You are focussing on the wedding, not the fact that he has repeatedly shown you he has zero interest in you and the family lifestyle.

JudgeRinderonTinder · 21/06/2023 04:33

Couples therapy 🤣 don’t bother, this is dead in the water.

Original poster
forfarhill · 21/06/2023 04:33

CrazyArmadilloLady · 21/06/2023 04:22

No, it’s not ‘really so odd….’ or ‘really so awful….’ - but you shouldn’t have to want or need this.

You (rightly) do need this because you can’t trust him as far as you can throw him.

That’s the issue.

And it doesn’t look as if he wants to comply, so …. what are you going to do?

‘Let’ him go anyway? What choice do you have, if you won’t break up with him (he knows you won’t, so he just does what he wants anyway)?

You’re right I shouldn’t, it should be freely offered.

But I have always trusted him, I never ever thought he would cheat.

I’m not sure if the trust can be rebuilt but I can only try. But he also needs to try.

And I will break up with him, I’ve told him that, if he can’t put in the effort or he doesn’t want to be here than that’s that.

OP posts:
Buildingthefuture · 21/06/2023 04:34

Op, you are not in anyway being controlling. He has blown up your life and you are trying very hard to put it back together. He has broken your trust and you are offering him the frankly once in a lifetime gift of trying to rebuild that. But the fact is, it’s ONLY you that’s trying. If he was truly remorseful and if he had one ounce of self awareness he would have just said he wasn’t going. He didn’t. It’s not popular on MN, but I do believe people can change and I don’t believe the “once a cheater always a cheater” tripe. But, you cannot change him, he has to want to change. And nothing he is doing at the minute suggests that he does. Start putting yourself first here op. It sounds like you are in a strong financial position, which is great, so sit down and have a really honest think. What does this man REALLY add to your life?

Original poster
forfarhill · 21/06/2023 04:34

ringsaglitter · 21/06/2023 04:27

He's already broken up with you. He's just waiting for you to say the words.

I have had that exact thought.

OP posts:
CrazyArmadilloLady · 21/06/2023 04:35

forfarhill · 21/06/2023 04:33

You’re right I shouldn’t, it should be freely offered.

But I have always trusted him, I never ever thought he would cheat.

I’m not sure if the trust can be rebuilt but I can only try. But he also needs to try.

And I will break up with him, I’ve told him that, if he can’t put in the effort or he doesn’t want to be here than that’s that.

Show quote history

He’s not trying though, and he has no intention of trying.

Original poster
forfarhill · 21/06/2023 04:36

ZekeZeke · 21/06/2023 04:27

He cheated on you.
He should be doing everything in his power to make up for this, not swanning off.

Honestly it doesn't sound like he wants to be in a relationship/be a father.

Please don't have unprotected sex, don't get married and have another child. He has shown you who he is, he will cheat again.

You need to dump him.

Yes he should be, that’s exactly my thoughts.

I am on good reliable birth control and I’m not really into allowing him near me currently.

I honestly never thought he’d cheat.

OP posts:
Original poster
forfarhill · 21/06/2023 04:38

GameofStrife · 21/06/2023 04:29

You are focussing on the wedding, not the fact that he has repeatedly shown you he has zero interest in you and the family lifestyle.

I guess it does seem like im
focusing on it, but it’s not that per say as that it’s the first opportunity he’s really got to show he’s serious about his promise of trying to fix things.

So it’s kind of the indicator of his interest in wanting to be a family.

OP posts:
Original poster
forfarhill · 21/06/2023 04:39

JudgeRinderonTinder · 21/06/2023 04:33

Couples therapy 🤣 don’t bother, this is dead in the water.

Sometimes I think I’m wasting my time, but everyone has suggested therapy-including him.

OP posts:
Original poster
forfarhill · 21/06/2023 04:42

Buildingthefuture · 21/06/2023 04:34

Op, you are not in anyway being controlling. He has blown up your life and you are trying very hard to put it back together. He has broken your trust and you are offering him the frankly once in a lifetime gift of trying to rebuild that. But the fact is, it’s ONLY you that’s trying. If he was truly remorseful and if he had one ounce of self awareness he would have just said he wasn’t going. He didn’t. It’s not popular on MN, but I do believe people can change and I don’t believe the “once a cheater always a cheater” tripe. But, you cannot change him, he has to want to change. And nothing he is doing at the minute suggests that he does. Start putting yourself first here op. It sounds like you are in a strong financial position, which is great, so sit down and have a really honest think. What does this man REALLY add to your life?

Thank you, I entirely agree. He’s basically just stuck a stick of dynamite in our relationship.

And 100% agree, he needs to want to. He says he does, so far his actions don’t match. But I think I should at least try.

OP posts:
Original poster
forfarhill · 21/06/2023 04:43

CrazyArmadilloLady · 21/06/2023 04:35

He’s not trying though, and he has no intention of trying.

Show quote history

Exactly. Will he try? This is one way he could show he wants to.

OP posts:
JudgeRinderonTinder · 21/06/2023 04:47

I think it’s a massive waste of time from your post. If he wanted to make an effort he would do.

He’s consciously choosing to treat you with contempt and he’s suggested therapy as a way to deflect from that, to appear as though he doesn’t know why your relationship is failing and to assign some of the blame on to you.

I’d cut my loses and save some money. Wouldn’t even want to be in a relationship with this arse full stop. Yoyre already leading separate lives.

JoniBlue · 21/06/2023 04:47

He is not the man you want him to be. If he loved you he would not have cheated while away. You are in denial.

Original poster
forfarhill · 21/06/2023 04:49

JudgeRinderonTinder · 21/06/2023 04:47

I think it’s a massive waste of time from your post. If he wanted to make an effort he would do.

He’s consciously choosing to treat you with contempt and he’s suggested therapy as a way to deflect from that, to appear as though he doesn’t know why your relationship is failing and to assign some of the blame on to you.

I’d cut my loses and save some money. Wouldn’t even want to be in a relationship with this arse full stop. Yoyre already leading separate lives.

It could very well be. I just don’t know. I thought we could try therapy for a couple of months and see how it goes, but I’m not above calling it off sooner if I think it’s pointless.

OP posts:
theGooHasGone · 21/06/2023 04:50

forfarhill · 21/06/2023 04:13

He is free. The only thing he’s not free to do is fuck other people. But apparently that’s not enough.

He’ll actually be less free outside of our relationship, he currently can afford to work part time as I own our house and he doesn’t pay rent or a mortgage.

Our child was discussed and planned, I didn’t trap him, it wasn’t an accident. So this behaviour is even more confusing due to that.

Why are you subsidising him? Why does he have such a hold over you that he can treat you like crap and yet you still talk about couples therapy repeatedly?

Original poster
forfarhill · 21/06/2023 04:51

JoniBlue · 21/06/2023 04:47

He is not the man you want him to be. If he loved you he would not have cheated while away. You are in denial.

I’ve always been very accepting of who he is, I’ve never wanted to change him. He likes to have numerous hobbies on the go and I’ve always been supportive. I’ve never minded any of it really.

But the cheating isn’t acceptable, and maybe you’re correct he doesn’t love me.

OP posts:
JudgeRinderonTinder · 21/06/2023 04:56

OP, come back to this thread in a year or two’s time if when you’ve got rid of his sorry arse and reread your post and replies with a fresh perspective, maybe then you’ll be able to see how in denial you are. He isn’t going to change. He’s checked out and has zero respect for you.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 21/06/2023 04:58

Blimey, he’s taking the actual piss out of you. He’s effectively blamed you for his cheating ‘thought we were broken up’ my arse!

The tattoo thing I get. Yes, by all means get a tattoo, but not in some dodgy country.

The motorbike thing has cropped up with my dh. I have several reasons to believe my dh wouldn’t ride safely. A previous neighbour of mine ended up widowed when her dh was in a motorcycle accident. So, no. I’m quite relaxed about my dh doing stuff, hell he’s going away on Thursday for two nights to watch cricket 🥱

He’s being really disrespectful and I think you’re flogging a dead horse. Sounds to me that you’re holding out hope, but I certainly wouldn’t marry him now after the cheating. Just remember, his parents will probably side with him as it’s their son.

stayathomer · 21/06/2023 05:04

When you said he cheated it was kind of a mic drop moment. I don’t know how anyone could cheat when they have a child ever. Ever.

Op I don’t understand why any of the rest of it matters at all- why would he ask you to get a tattoo or go clubbing after a wedding? The motorcycle I get because it’s dangerous and putting him in harms way which would leave you without a partner and your child without their dad. But none of that matters. You don’t trust him, didn’t before the cheating and definitely never will and if he can cheat on you or think you’re done … I just don’t know how much therapy can do. Take care of yourself and your child and try to not be angry for their sake but forge out a more positive life for you both. x