To not want partner to go to wedding without me?

[forfarhill]

Okay so obviously this is more complicated than just the title, so let me try and explain
without writing a novel!

I am engaged to my partner and we have a 14 month old. We’re currently having a very rough patch that I’m not sure our relationship will survive, but we both want to try and work it out.

The rough patch started after my partner decided he was going to buy a motorbike (one of my big deal breakers, he already does extreme sport and he had to borrow money for the bike), we argued over it a bit, then he decided to get a tattoo in a developing country whilst on holidays at a family wedding despite me asking him not. I couldn’t attend the wedding as it was not child friendly, but I encouraged him to go.

After he informed me he’d gone ahead and got the tattoo we had a massive argument, this is while he’s still overseas. I told him he’s prioritising his wants over his own child and fiancé. That before making big permanent decisions he should at least consider and consult his family. I should also point out the I have an OS trip planned that’s been 6 years in the making, that he was meant to be coming on, instead he took his holiday leave to visit his mates, and instead of delaying the bike purchase so he could afford to go he chose to get the bike.

So we argued and then agreed to talk when he got home. He went to the wedding and then out clubbing with his mates.

He texted as usual for the rest of his trip. When he got home I could tell something was off, he came out with that he needs ‘space to consider if he can ever be happy in this relationship.’ And that he wants his freedom. This is all out of left field for me, sure we argued but it wasn’t this serious.

About three days later he confesses he screwed some random girl from
the club because he ‘thought we were done’. Which is bullshit. We’ve been together 8 years, I never would’ve ended it over text and he knew that and even agreed to discuss it when he got home.

So he’s now living at his parents while we organise couples therapy and see if we can unf**k this mess he’s made.

In the meantime he’s been invited to a friends wedding, he’s only known this person around 9 months, and this wedding is while I will be away OS. I’ve told him I think it’s super inappropriate for him to attended without me, given the current circumstances and the fact I currently don’t trust him. He thinks I should not be worried and it’ll be fine as he only cheated because ‘he thought we were over’ but I think he obviously can’t be around girls and drink without there being a risk. Besides this is all very fresh, of course I’m not going to trust him!! I feel if he wants to work things out then he needs to prioritise me and what I need currently to be comfortable.

WIBU if I told him this is a nonnegotiable boundary for me and he’s not to go?

Hope he gets his knob caught in a crab claw.

I’ve read the whole thread OP and have no advice or opinion that others haven’t already said better. I just wanted to add that you sound super and I hope you have a happy life without this sponging deadbeat loser wasting your time.

I absolutely have never treated him like a child. I’ve always tried to be equal and for both of us to have equal input with decisions.
He’s made big decisions for both of us on numerous occasions, and I’ve trusted him to do so.

But certainly he doesn’t get to make decisions around shared finances without some discussion, and frankly the only person who has ever compromised is me.

Oh, the crab fisherman thing - that reminds me so much of my ex. He had serious depression too but I realised after we broke up that he almost certainly had bipolar instead (commonly misdiagnosed) because of the similarity of his behaviour to other bipolar people I know who aren't managing themselves well. He was constantly full of plans to circumnavigate the globe/farm sheep/become a scientist/retrain as a mountain guide etc. The point is, like you, I'd done everything I could to support him and he was no longer my problem.

Just wanted to say about this: "I feel very trapped, I will have to see him and indirectly hear about his many gfs and then the very likely fact of him marrying and having other children. Likely after massive self improvement. Basically I’ll get to see what I couldn’t have quite regularly. It’s seems awfully unfair. But yes you are right." Honestly this could happen but the odds are just as high that he'll be a waster living at his mums being babied by her and will never pull himself together, will be a serial shagger and possibly eventually find another woman to baby him instead. I don't see why you think massive self-improvement is on the cards, right now he seems to be doing massive self-owning.

😂

I was perfectly happy with those choices, and I thought about them a lot. I did draw the line at cheating.

I’ve never tried to change him, and we discussed all these things before we had DC. What he said about being a father is not what he’s actually done, but otherwise we had a clear understanding and I was fine with that. I’m fine with him working part time, fine with him seeing friends every week, fine with him going away for several weeks on adventures. I’m not fine with the cheating.

Despite all that he’s still not happy, and that’s fair enough I suppose. I guess I need to accept it and move on.

I haven’t actually even made any requests, I’m feeling throughly chastised and I now won’t be making an effort to try and establish boundaries. I’ve dropped the rope. I doubt he’ll pick it up.

I commiserate with your situation.

I am currently leaving a very long marriage where my STBXH always did what he wanted and would be cross if I ever complained. It got worse as the years went by.

I have been seeing a therapist who validated my feelings. In a moment of clarity I saw that it all boiled down to one thing.

He didn’t see me as his equal. I was less than him, so in his eyes he deserved more. As my therapist said “he treats you like a child”

So does your boyfriend treat you as his equal? It doesn’t sound like it to me.

Well fuck me I guess, I am absolutely horribly unreasonable for expecting at least a heads up. Catching HIV in a third world country is cool. If he wants to get lover tattooed on his forehead that’s his business. Makes me realise I’ve made a shit tonne of compromises and valued his opinion way too much, because you know, I actually cared what he thought and how he’d feel.
It’s his body, he should absolutely be able to what he wants with it, and I think that includes having sex with other people.

What you say is mostly true, but he’s certainly not trying to stay. He’s not happy and he’s very willing to leave. He’s got all that and he’s still not happy, and he never will be-at least not with me. It’s done I guess.

It’s his body, he should absolutely be able to what he wants with it, and I think that includes having sex with other people.

Well yes... Obviously he is allowed to do with his body whatever he wants. What he chooses to do with his body can also be disrespectful to you though and then you have the choice whether you leave or not. That is your choice.

OP I want to hug you and shake you!

It is so incredibly painful when people (men) say one thing "marry me! Then do another "I cheated". I found out after my first relationship which had similarities to yours regarding holidays and nights out that what people say is lovely but worth nothing if it is not backed up by their actions. I was honestly amazed by DH for actually walking the talk (yes I had low standard issues).

You mentioned you never argued much other than the bike and tattoo. Taking into account your other posts I believe you don't argue is because you have never made a request of him before. When you did he did it anyway. You mention your father and sister dying in accidents which I can imagine adds to the anxiety of a possible bike accident. I a stranger on the Internet have made this connection. Your so called partner hasn't or has but couldn't care less.

If you find the strength to let this go please get yourself solid counselling and work on yourself. Because I can almost guarantee in 4-6 months he will have a "manic" episode of depression and all the excuses and apologies will be flooded your way. Only your arms and child will make him whole. He will say he had been a fool. Do not fall for this bullshit! He will want you back when the reality of being separated dawns on him. Bills?! Working full time?! Child support?! Contact arrangements?! Fuck better head off back and pretend I was just depressed or finding fatherhood a challenge even though I do zero parenting. Don't let his family pull you in either.

If you don't break up now can I ask how bad it has to get for you to end it? He cheated. You asked for him not to go to a wedding to help make you feel more secure after he broke a core component of a relationships trust. He says he is going anyway. What will it take from him to prove to you completely he doesn't give a shit?

Give it time OP. Rest and re-read this thread. Your strength will rebuild but only when you stop thinking about him and helping him and start thinking of yourself. Ĺ

I didn’t ban him from anything, seriously. And I did ask him to get tested. Which he resisted, which I guess also makes me controlling.

the motorcycle does directly impact me, for starters he didn’t have the money he borrowed it when he’s already in debt and is short most months for living expenses. Also he was going to cancel his health insurance, which would have left me footing the bill if he got hurt or needed a hospital, I insisted he keep it. Opps. There I go controlling him again!

sorry but I think lying to my face about wanting to be a family and cheating on me do kind of make him a bit of a shit person. He’ll hopefully grow out of it one day but he’s certainly not the good guy here.

@Thislittlepiggy89 fantastic post - agree.

Particularly these points:

Taking into account your other posts I believe you don't argue is because you have never made a request of him before. When you did he did it anyway.

And -

If you find the strength to let this go please get yourself solid counselling and work on yourself. Because I can almost guarantee in 4-6 months he will have a "manic" episode of depression and all the excuses and apologies will be flooded your way. Only your arms and child will make him whole.

Do not underestimate the ability of a lazy grifting arsehole to try and worm their way back in, when it dawns on them that they might actually get a dose of unwelcome reality.

Your wants and needs and happiness seem not to feature anywhere on the list. It's all about being "fine" with what he wants to do, and accomodating how he wants to live his life. Honey, where are your standards? Raise your bar.

You'll never rest in this relationship. The trust is gone. He sounds like a bachelor.

Yet you still maintain this farce of staying with him. Your self-esteem must be on the floor. Do you not see that you and your child deserve so much more? If youn won't do it for yourself, do it for your child.

You're flogging a dead horse. And then getting snippy with people on this thread who point out that the horse is dead and you need to walk away. And you respond by saying how you don't make demands of the horse and does that mean you shouldn't have boundaries. 🙄

Honestly I’m beginning to think he doesn’t even like me.

I guess there just is something wrong with me. - The only think wrong with you is that you are choosing to let this continue!

I’m trying really hard. It’s a massive adjustment to go from ‘hey honey I love you and you and DC are my world’ to ‘eh actually I think I’m off’. I still love him.

the only think I’m snippy about is people telling me I’m controlling, I’m the complete opposite. I am very confused and I am devastated, and I’m very much struggling to cope. I wish I could just sling his shit at home and say ‘see you never asshole’ but for some reason it can’t.

I have lots of food for thought now and I won’t be trying to contact him anymore. I will hopefully recover one day.

Well yes. I’m struggling. I don’t know why.

@forfarhill I understand that this is all tough to hear, but please try not to focus on the people who say you're "controlling" or similar. You always get deliberate contrarians on AIBU; that's just the way it is. This isn't a huge failing on your part and you don't need to defend yourself so aggressively. Just ignore it and let the water slide off the duck's back.

Realise that you are worth more than all this anguish, your relationship is over and you should start making plans for the rest of your life. It's hard when there's only ever been one guy, but there are others out there. In time, you will find peace elsewhere - however that looks.

Its hard leaving someone even when you know its the right thing to do especially when a child is involved, don't be hard on yourself for struggling with it. You'll miss the man he was for sure, but the man he is today doesn't add anything to your life, in fact he has a negative affect on it. Sadly even if stayed the man you knew appears to be long gone, and the image in your head of moving forward as a family is just fantasy. You must know you do deserve better.

I got to the part he had sex with someone else and that’s all I need to read. Get rid. Good riddance to bad rubbish

OP open your eyes. He's living the life of Riley, doing what he wants when he wants, no questions asked (apart from the shagging). He can afford to have a part time job but still have the money to do his numerous hobbies and go out with his mates, get a tattoo, get a bike - because you're subsidising him.

Don't hold out much hope for couples counselling. He's not wanting to save the relationship, he's wanting not to lose his meal ticket to a free and easy life. He doesn't want to have to pay his own housing costs or to get a full time job. He wants to keep his cushy lifestyle that you are paying for. So the counselling idea is to buy him time. Maybe even hoping that in counselling you'll somehow admit that it's all (or at least partly) your fault, so that you'll think twice about kicking him out.

His mental health is not shit. If you get rid he will have to learn to adult like the rest of us. Please tell him the days of having his snout in the trough are over and he's out.

It’s hard letting go of the only thing you’ve ever known, it’s a form of grief, and it’s completely normal that you’re finding it so hard. But trust me, when you’ve got some perspective on it you’ll realise you’re grieving the person you wanted them to be, not the person that they actually are. I’ve been there and while you’re in the thick of it, it’s truly horrible.

Whatever happens do not think for one second that he will self improve and go on to have all these things with someone who isn’t you.. he’ll actually just move on to the next person willing to put up with his shit.

Please ignore the people focusing just on the ‘controlling’ aspect of your posts, there will always be people on here without the ability to see the bigger picture.

good luck OP, stay strong, you and little one deserve so much better.

He cheated on you, and you're still not getting it? Hes done the absolute worst and you're fixated on this wedding. I'm not sure anyone could get through to you because you can't see what's clearly in front of you.