To not want partner to go to wedding without me?

[forfarhill]

Okay so obviously this is more complicated than just the title, so let me try and explain
without writing a novel!

I am engaged to my partner and we have a 14 month old. We’re currently having a very rough patch that I’m not sure our relationship will survive, but we both want to try and work it out.

The rough patch started after my partner decided he was going to buy a motorbike (one of my big deal breakers, he already does extreme sport and he had to borrow money for the bike), we argued over it a bit, then he decided to get a tattoo in a developing country whilst on holidays at a family wedding despite me asking him not. I couldn’t attend the wedding as it was not child friendly, but I encouraged him to go.

After he informed me he’d gone ahead and got the tattoo we had a massive argument, this is while he’s still overseas. I told him he’s prioritising his wants over his own child and fiancé. That before making big permanent decisions he should at least consider and consult his family. I should also point out the I have an OS trip planned that’s been 6 years in the making, that he was meant to be coming on, instead he took his holiday leave to visit his mates, and instead of delaying the bike purchase so he could afford to go he chose to get the bike.

So we argued and then agreed to talk when he got home. He went to the wedding and then out clubbing with his mates.

He texted as usual for the rest of his trip. When he got home I could tell something was off, he came out with that he needs ‘space to consider if he can ever be happy in this relationship.’ And that he wants his freedom. This is all out of left field for me, sure we argued but it wasn’t this serious.

About three days later he confesses he screwed some random girl from
the club because he ‘thought we were done’. Which is bullshit. We’ve been together 8 years, I never would’ve ended it over text and he knew that and even agreed to discuss it when he got home.

So he’s now living at his parents while we organise couples therapy and see if we can unf**k this mess he’s made.

In the meantime he’s been invited to a friends wedding, he’s only known this person around 9 months, and this wedding is while I will be away OS. I’ve told him I think it’s super inappropriate for him to attended without me, given the current circumstances and the fact I currently don’t trust him. He thinks I should not be worried and it’ll be fine as he only cheated because ‘he thought we were over’ but I think he obviously can’t be around girls and drink without there being a risk. Besides this is all very fresh, of course I’m not going to trust him!! I feel if he wants to work things out then he needs to prioritise me and what I need currently to be comfortable.

WIBU if I told him this is a nonnegotiable boundary for me and he’s not to go?

You mention interstate, so you're not in the UK? Which country are you in? Because I hope to God you get a legally binding agreement to protect your assets if you do go ahead with this wedding, and if you're in Australia that you had a cohabitation agreement so that he can't go for your assets now, given you have a child together.

If your fiance is serious about making things right for a future with you and his child he would be asking you to accompany him to the wedding.

Attending the weddingt will be one fast way to tell how commited he is. If he goes and stays sober and away from other women maybe it is worth trying to trust him.

Will his parents or any other friends be at the wedding to confirm his behaviour?

I think this is how it is - I'm wondering how much of your relationship has been like this - have things got worse since the baby came along?
sadly it sounds as if you are more like his mum than a partner- you do provide a home for him without him needing to make any effort or contributions towards that

You're drawing clear boundaries, he's breaking them and you're saying okay. He doesn't respect you.

Your relationship is over.

Just end the relationship and find someone better.

You cannot tell him when/where he can get a tattoo, no matter what your job. His body, his choice.

You can absolutely have an opinion on joint finances given you share a child and he’s shown he gives zero shits.

But he’s a cheater. Absolute dealbreaker. His reaction to a rough patch was to shag someone.

Move on. Flogging a dead horse here. The relationship is over, it’s just a question of when.

What I am getting from reading your posts is that this isn’t really about the wedding and not trusting him. Of course you don’t trust him right now.

It is that you need a gesture on his part to show that your relationship is more important than his current lifestyle.

if he wanted to save your family, he should be giving you this easily. It’s not a big request. If it was a family wedding or lifelong friend it would be different.

You had a child with a man baby.
Save your time and just move along. Let him just get on with his life.
You and your child deserve better.
There is absolutely no way this is going to work out. He is an immature Muppet.

Save yourself years of pain and a painful and expensive divorce.
Ditch the guy.

I have voted YABU because I think, honestly, you are insane to be continuing this relationship.

Let him go. In fact, help him on his way.

You are not compatible.

You don’t have to live like this.

I don’t think you should try to control whether he rides a motorbike or has a tattoo or goes to a wedding. He’s an autonomous adult even in a relationship, but he cheated on you and he doesn’t seem that bothered about family life. Why stay together?

This.

You want different things. You want settled home life and dcs. He's bored and wants to be off with his mates doing daredevil stuff. And sleeping with whoever is on offer.

Sorry but even if he stays at home he'll be so resentful he'll find someone else anyway.

Time to face the inevitable I think.

^^

THIS!!

@forfarhill please print or screenshot the above post!!! Please!

And stop prioritising his mental health. Prioritise yours - you have a baby to look after.

What do you see in him? Am struggling to see the positives here.

The wedding is just a token gesture. He cheats. He contributes nothing financially to your home. He does not help with the baby.

Sorry but you sound like a doormat. Clinging on to a weak and low-quality man. Like many men on MN, he has got it good with you; he must be laughing.

This relationship doesn't have a future OP. He'll stick around as long as he's allowed but you can't ban him from stuff like weddings because you can't trust him. It's a slippery slope wanting that kind of control over someone. That alone says your relationship is dead in the water

He also doesnt need permission from you to get a tattoo. I know where he got it was stupid but you also seem to think he needs to discuss that shit with your first in general. He doesn't.

Tell him to leave. Free ride is over, he has no intention of meeting your needs.

The wedding is a red herring. He has never recognised and valued the huge privilege he has of being your partner and the father of your child - if he had, he would have prioritised you both consistently.

instead he’s prioritised himself over and over again. He doesn’t deserve you. He doesn’t deserve to be a dad when he feels like it or when there’s nothing better to do.

Raise your standards @forfarhill. It’s not on you to fix this or to try to get him to change, it’s entirely on him and he is telling you that he has no intention of doing so.

Why does he need to have so many hobbies, holidays and nights out with friends for his mental health? What is his condition? That sounds like a very odd treatment for a mental health condition. You've been mothering him and pandering to him and enabling him for years it sounds like and he's an immature idiot who now thinks the grass is greener and wants out.
Of COURSE he shouldn't go to this wedding 6 weeks after he cheated on holiday. But he's going to, and that shows you how little he holds you in regard. The sooner you accept that the sooner you can start to move on. And don't ever act like such a doormat in a relationship again!

When he has to borrow money that will come from the family pot and only works part time by choice then it definitely should be within OP's control if he buys a motorbike!

the tattoo I'm with you on though.

The cheating would have been the end.
although it sounds from your post he lacks care/respect for his family.
motorbikes, being away with friends, money spent unnecessarily. It sounds like he wants his freedom. Your restricting that.
The tatoo was completely his choice. His body. Plus once it’s done you can’t change it. I think you’re both coming from different directions and wanting different things?

He won’t move on until he has something organised to move on to - please protect yourself from an inevitable rocky ride to where you will be alone anyway. Then your main issue will be not giving way to his emotional blackmail as he wants his nice life back. His mental health will be the thing which makes you falter. I’d really suggest counselling but just for you, not couples counselling. It will help you work out what’s best for you and your child.

It's only been 6 weeks. If he was truly remorseful he wouldn't be fighting you on this. This is you still doing everything and him just coasting along.

The only reason this “relationship” is still holding on by a thread is because you’re consistently reevaluating your own boundaries to accommodate his lack of interest in being in a relationship with you.

Cheating is bad. But worse is your daughter growing up watching her dad provide nothing to the family - he spends his time and energy on his friends, his money on his hobbies, he can't even find the time and money to go on holiday with you - and her mum accepting it.

I think something happens in relationships where one person does all the accommodating and the other person is prioritised. The prioritised partner starts seeing the accommodating one as less than somehow. So if you really want to salvage this, stop prioritising him. Make space for yourself. You're separated and he's making no effort to rebuild your relationship so for the moment act like you're separated. Child support and a schedule for him to have your daughter. Focus on the things you want outside of your relationship with him. Maybe he'll see that you don't need him and want you back. Hopefully you'll see that you don't want him and say no.

It’s time to throw this one back.

So what was the plan? Let him walk all over you in the hope that he would suddenly be someone else, you have been enabling him to treat you and his daughter like an option. To add insult to injury he makes up a bs excuse which he feels entitled him to cheat on you, I bet he keeps that one in his back pocket for the inevitable next time.

Even though it’s misplaced, I understand your logic in your behaviour but it’s flawed because you can not build trust with someone who isn’t trustworthy and who isn’t interested in you trusting them.

Prioritising someone who treats you like an option never ends well, especially for the one being treated as an option.

I really feel for you, OP.

But he is showing you he has checked out of your relationship. I think he doesn't want to be a bad guy and end it, so he waits for you to have enough.

If he was genuine about wanting to work on it, you would know. He is not trying, he is just waiting for you to call it quits.

He cheated on you.
He doesn't respect you.
He is not being a great father.
He is not willing to work on your relationship.

I can imagine how difficult it is to accept that, but you really are in denial.

You can't force him to want to be a part of your little family. His parents can't force him. He has shown you he doesn't want to.

You don't get to order a partner around. I think you need to rethink what a relationship should be like. And this guy is not for you.