To not want partner to go to wedding without me?

[forfarhill]

Okay so obviously this is more complicated than just the title, so let me try and explain
without writing a novel!

I am engaged to my partner and we have a 14 month old. We’re currently having a very rough patch that I’m not sure our relationship will survive, but we both want to try and work it out.

The rough patch started after my partner decided he was going to buy a motorbike (one of my big deal breakers, he already does extreme sport and he had to borrow money for the bike), we argued over it a bit, then he decided to get a tattoo in a developing country whilst on holidays at a family wedding despite me asking him not. I couldn’t attend the wedding as it was not child friendly, but I encouraged him to go.

After he informed me he’d gone ahead and got the tattoo we had a massive argument, this is while he’s still overseas. I told him he’s prioritising his wants over his own child and fiancé. That before making big permanent decisions he should at least consider and consult his family. I should also point out the I have an OS trip planned that’s been 6 years in the making, that he was meant to be coming on, instead he took his holiday leave to visit his mates, and instead of delaying the bike purchase so he could afford to go he chose to get the bike.

So we argued and then agreed to talk when he got home. He went to the wedding and then out clubbing with his mates.

He texted as usual for the rest of his trip. When he got home I could tell something was off, he came out with that he needs ‘space to consider if he can ever be happy in this relationship.’ And that he wants his freedom. This is all out of left field for me, sure we argued but it wasn’t this serious.

About three days later he confesses he screwed some random girl from
the club because he ‘thought we were done’. Which is bullshit. We’ve been together 8 years, I never would’ve ended it over text and he knew that and even agreed to discuss it when he got home.

So he’s now living at his parents while we organise couples therapy and see if we can unf**k this mess he’s made.

In the meantime he’s been invited to a friends wedding, he’s only known this person around 9 months, and this wedding is while I will be away OS. I’ve told him I think it’s super inappropriate for him to attended without me, given the current circumstances and the fact I currently don’t trust him. He thinks I should not be worried and it’ll be fine as he only cheated because ‘he thought we were over’ but I think he obviously can’t be around girls and drink without there being a risk. Besides this is all very fresh, of course I’m not going to trust him!! I feel if he wants to work things out then he needs to prioritise me and what I need currently to be comfortable.

WIBU if I told him this is a nonnegotiable boundary for me and he’s not to go?

It’s over and it has been for a while. His parents and friends will be seeing you as his child’s mother not his partner. You’ve put up with way too much and got nothing in return. Plan your future with your child and leave him to get on with it.

I agree on all your points except - it’s not particularly odd to invite a new friend if a) they spent a lot of time together and got close ie new work friend and b) a space became available, if someone dropped out eg. This happened to me!

Whatever you say, realise that he IS going to go to the wedding. He might lie about it, say he isn't going, but he will.

There is nothing to save here

Read up on sunk costs fallacy, OP, I think you are deep in that.
Basically, you've spent so long in this relationship (which sounds very one sided with you doing all the giving/compromise) that you don't want to admit to yourself that it was time badly spent and you would need to start again. 'If we can just get through this bit, we'll be ok'. No, love, you won't.

If you stay, you will continue to do all the compromise/giving, he will carry on like a single man with home and warm bed when he wants it, and you will get sadder and sadder, accepting any crumbs of attention he gives.

Do you want that?

What's worse than spending 8 years in a bad relationship with a cheating manchild? Spending nine years in that relationship.

YABU about the tattoo. If I wanted a tattoo, it’s my body and my partner can’t dictate that! Unless it was on my face…

YABU stopping him going to a wedding just because you’re not there.

YANBU not trusting him though and being upset about him buying the bike. It doesn’t sound a healthy rel. The tattoo and the wedding are the least of your problems

He’s done a number on you as somewhere along the line for you to feel some of this is on you.

Another vote for your relationship being over.
I get that he acted like a dick but it’s never going to work between you two if you’re expecting him to behave this way. You can’t keep tabs on him for the rest of his life.

Hang on, he was living in your house rent free ( contributing to bills??) working part time, doing very little with the baby that he wanted, blowing his money so he couldn't come on a planned trip with you (what is OS by the way?) so letting you down there, getting into debt because he couldn't wait to get a motorbike, lying to you then admitting to cheating, and you are worrying about his mental health? He sounds a flake.
What does he bring to the table? Why would you need to go to counselling together? It's not like he doesn't know that he's not supporting you in any way. Is it to somehow make you feel his cheating is your fault? Counselling does not mean he will see the error of his ways, it will be to help you reconcile yourself to the fact that he's has unreliable selfish twat. And you will pay for the privilege. Or is he paying for it? ( doesn't sound like it).
There's only one way to see if he sincerely has changed his ways, and that is seeing how he deals with co-parenting whilst living away from you. If he can manage it for say 6 months, and manages to to be reliable and responsible in that time, then maybe you might consider a second chance. Otherwise I wouldn't bother.
And he clearly shagged the girl before telling he wanted his space. He wants his space because he wants to do it again.
It's immaterial whether he goes to this wedding or not.

This jumped out at me waving it's giant redness:
"His mother thinks he’s having a difficult time adjusting to fatherhood."
He is back home with mummy whose poor little prince is having a hard time adjusting. When what she should be telling him is to 'man the fuck up and act like an adult'. He was involved in a discussion that resulted in Albany he should have said no if he wasn't ready.

Should be a baby not Albany.

He doesn't sound very mature, he sounds like an impulsive immature teenage boy. He's not husband/father material. He sounds like he doesn't want the responsibilities of being a father or partner, and wants to take off when he wants and go and do what he wants without family consultation. He doesn't sound like he'll ever be the 'family man' you want and need. So you need to understand that and come to terms with it. I would end it. For those reasons, but he sounds controlling of you and doesn't respect your privacy. That's the icing on the cake from this arsehole.

Also, lets say he said no to going to the wedding to make you happy. If you're not there, how would you know if he went or stayed? He could just say he declined the invite, but didn't, and still go. How would you know? You won't be there so won't be any the wiser. You can't trust anything he says. I'd throw him out as soon as he violated my privacy. But he definitely is not relationship or father material. So use that as an excuse to ditch him once and for all.

He wants out of the relationship. He cheated & then told you about it so you’d be the one to kick him out. He doesn’t want to take any responsibility in this relationship - not even to end it.

Then he can re-write history that you threw him out because of the holiday/motorbike/tattoo & you’re too controlling for a free-spirit like him. The infidelity won’t count because in his mind it was already over.

Do yourself a favour and dump him - don’t even mention the other stuff, this is about him screwing someone else whilst you were at home caring for his baby.

This is going to come across as blunt, apologies but no point skirting around the issues.

He won't cancel the wedding because he evidently isn't interested in fixing things in your relationship, from what you've said he really truly doesn't care.

He wasn't having a 'manic episode' when he cheated, he just wanted to fuck someone else. Even if he thought you were broken up it would be extremely telling of his thoughts on your relationship if he did so as soon as this.

His priorities are himself and what he wants to do, absolutely nowhere are your or his child considered. Actions speak louder than words.

Why you're intent on trying to regain trust with someone who doesn't give a shit about you is baffling. Please have some self respect and move on, all of his actions suggest he wants out he is just too much of a coward it seems to end it himself. He probably lost respect for you when he saw all of the concessions you happily like to make him happy to your own detriment.

I didn’t feel I was subsidising him, as it didn’t worry me as I own the house. I also felt it was give and take, I was helping him and then later he would help me (not financially necessarily but in other ways).

As for the rest I don’t know. I thought this was it, this was my forever. He’s my one and only. I’m 36 and I don’t want to really date and go through all this again. I want my family. It’s really hard letting it go.

Oh lordy lordy. He works part-time, you do all of the brunt work with your child AND you also pay the mortgage? I bet he didn't even contribute much towards other bills when he lived with you.

I'm not surprised his parents are backing you. They know that no one else is going to want a selfish man-baby that lives with mummy and daddy and does fuck all with his DD. You're a cash cow and a nanny all rolled into one.

He's trash. Put him in the bin.

I don't think you're listening to us OR your own instinct. You are only listening to your desires. I know you have hope of sorting this out and achieving the ideal little family that we all hope for , but I just don't think this will happen. I'm so sorry, leave him.

YABU about the tattoo.

However, this man does not enhance your life. You don't need him.

The only things you have that he wants are somewhere to live, access to his child and presumably, sex.

What the hell is this "one and only" business. He's your "one and only" at the moment, as you haven't got the sense to get rid.

Like PP have said: Raise your standards

My assets are protected, that was all set up well before I met him.

I can’t attend as I’ll be OS. None of his family will there and I don’t know this particular bunch of friends well enough to find anything out.

Oh gosh! Just seen that he works part time. Could he get any more bloody useless?

I’ve always been his cheerleader, things have definitely deteriorated since the baby.

Well I’m trying to that’s for sure. And I honestly think he’d trample anybodies boundaries. It’s not just about me.

But it doesn't matter if he's trampling someone else's boundaries down the line - that doesn't affect you. Your DD growing up and witnessing her dad use you in every way possible is not going to benefit her. This is never going to be a perfect little family dynamic.

You can't make shit turn into gold.

All ‘couples therapy’ does is string the whole sorry saga out of a bit longer, and if you’re like me you get a therapist who sides with the sad-faced cheater and leaves you feeling absolutely wretched and helpless about yourself, and angry about your child’s needs being ignored. You know, like that poster upthread and called you ‘controlling’.

If you want therapy, OP, go on your own. Go to a decent counsellor who will help you raise your bar.

Cheaterman can go on his own too if he’s that bothered. He can arrange it, pay for it, turn up for it. Stop trying to fix him. He needs to fix himself.

He's waiting for you to end it, rather than him looking like a total twat by telling you that he doesn't want to get married and be a hands on father. I don't know when that happened but truthfully I think he's trying to tell you he wants to be single but all the while saying in words that he wants to make it work. Actions speak louder than words.

Oh bless you op.

You sound lovely and intelligent; but you're living in fantasy land. This man is awful. You are so keen for him not to be, and you're so in love with the idea of being in love and having a family, that you're making up in your mind that that's what you have. But we can see it independent of emotions and fantasies. None of his actions, not one, suggest you have a little family. You have one in your mind only. He is just living a single life - just doing what he wants, and using you as a free place to stay and he gets a daughter who is being well looked after out of it. Oh, and he can shag who he likes too, and you won't even admit to yourself that's out and out cheating, there's a but attached.