To not want partner to go to wedding without me?

[forfarhill]

Okay so obviously this is more complicated than just the title, so let me try and explain
without writing a novel!

I am engaged to my partner and we have a 14 month old. We’re currently having a very rough patch that I’m not sure our relationship will survive, but we both want to try and work it out.

The rough patch started after my partner decided he was going to buy a motorbike (one of my big deal breakers, he already does extreme sport and he had to borrow money for the bike), we argued over it a bit, then he decided to get a tattoo in a developing country whilst on holidays at a family wedding despite me asking him not. I couldn’t attend the wedding as it was not child friendly, but I encouraged him to go.

After he informed me he’d gone ahead and got the tattoo we had a massive argument, this is while he’s still overseas. I told him he’s prioritising his wants over his own child and fiancé. That before making big permanent decisions he should at least consider and consult his family. I should also point out the I have an OS trip planned that’s been 6 years in the making, that he was meant to be coming on, instead he took his holiday leave to visit his mates, and instead of delaying the bike purchase so he could afford to go he chose to get the bike.

So we argued and then agreed to talk when he got home. He went to the wedding and then out clubbing with his mates.

He texted as usual for the rest of his trip. When he got home I could tell something was off, he came out with that he needs ‘space to consider if he can ever be happy in this relationship.’ And that he wants his freedom. This is all out of left field for me, sure we argued but it wasn’t this serious.

About three days later he confesses he screwed some random girl from
the club because he ‘thought we were done’. Which is bullshit. We’ve been together 8 years, I never would’ve ended it over text and he knew that and even agreed to discuss it when he got home.

So he’s now living at his parents while we organise couples therapy and see if we can unf**k this mess he’s made.

In the meantime he’s been invited to a friends wedding, he’s only known this person around 9 months, and this wedding is while I will be away OS. I’ve told him I think it’s super inappropriate for him to attended without me, given the current circumstances and the fact I currently don’t trust him. He thinks I should not be worried and it’ll be fine as he only cheated because ‘he thought we were over’ but I think he obviously can’t be around girls and drink without there being a risk. Besides this is all very fresh, of course I’m not going to trust him!! I feel if he wants to work things out then he needs to prioritise me and what I need currently to be comfortable.

WIBU if I told him this is a nonnegotiable boundary for me and he’s not to go?

I am absolutely fascinated that people don’t think you should consider your partner when making permanent body modifications. Where is this line drawn? Cosmetic surgery? Injections? I’m not saying you shouldn’t still do it but surely it should be discussed? Especially something that may affect attraction.

Also the tattoo did cost a bunch of money so there is that.

Apparently this relationship is over and I’m just incapable of recognising.

OP, I'm afraid you're not seeing what is obvious to the rest of us; this man does not want to be with you.

I'm really sorry to be so blunt, but if someone doesn't say this to you very clearly, you're going to potentially end up wasting more time on this loser.

He wants to break up with you, but doesn't want to be the bad guy, so is breaking all the boundaries as you set them to convince you to dump him.

OP: "I hate motorbikes"

OP's Dickhead partner: "If I buy a motorbike, she'll dump me 👍"
^
OP: "I'd hate for you to get a tattoo from such an unsafe tattoo-ist"

OP's dickhead partner: "I'm even prepared to fuck up my body permanently to get rid of her; tattoo here we come!"

OP: "If you cheat, that's the final straw."

OP's dickhead partner: "I stuck my dick in another woman!"

OP: "If you go to this wedding, it's REALLY the final straw"

OP's dickhead partner: skips off to wedding.

Is it obvious now? There is no relationship to save, he wants out. Let him go. You will honestly be better off without him.^

YES. This exactly.

I’ll be calling him Mr Muppet from now on 🤣

Think what stands out for me is that you planned a trip for 6 years to go with him. He prioritised his mates and a bike - he doesn't care, he doesn't put you first or even think about your needs and wants.

I get that you want your family, but he is showing you over and that he does not consider himself part of your family.

He is treating you with contempt, and the more shit you take from him the worse he’ll treat you.

There’s no happy future with this one, but at least if you get shot of him now you won’t lose your house.

So he should do whatever he likes? Why stop at cheating? Honestly, his riding a bike does affect me, he could be injured or killed. He’s spent a substantial amount of money on it, which he borrowed.

He risked an infection getting a tattoo that he could’ve passed onto me or his daughter, or alternatively that could effect him
for life. So yes it does impact me.

If I don’t get any say about anything and he doesn’t get a say in anything then it’s not a relationship it’s a friendship.

I’ve never tried to control him. I’ve had clear boundaries, I expect to be at least consulted. And honestly he has massive amounts of freedom.

Stop and contemplate the years ahead - decades of not knowing if he is off screwing some random female; decades of living on the edge of breakdown; decades of STI tests whenever he goes away.

Do not subject yourself to this misery. Relationships are built on trust. You cannot trust this man.

He is not the right material for partnership and fatherhood. Get out now.

The thing is, then why did he ask me to do those things?! It’s so confusing 😭

He has had everything hasn't he. No compromise to his wants, all his freedoms. He doesn't even think about things or you before he goes and does them.
Dh gave his motorbike up when we had children as we discussed it and I couldn't cope with the anxiety around it (he had couple accidents in the past)

Not worth saving. Move on.

Leave him to enjoy his new motorbike.

You’re being unreasonable by staying together to be honest. It sounds like the relationship is over but you’re both wanting to hold on by a thread. I cannot see this lasting that long - just a load of unnecessary drama before you both eventually split. I’d of split the moment he confessed to sleeping with a random woman from the club - he’s basically shown his willing to throw his family life with you and your DC away.

The wedding isn’t the problem here.

I think the relationship is already over and you're just dragging it out.

He does exactly what he wants, when he wants, with no thought of you or your child. And shagged a stranger after you had a argument.

Do you really want to be with him?

Op, your thinking is completely deluded. It is blindingly obvious to everyone here that this relationship is not worth saving and nor should you try. There is more than enough evidence that he's a useless shit who will never be the person you and your child deserve. It's actually quite shocking what you have been prepared to put up with.
Find your self respect and dignity and dump the freeloading cheater.
Only thing YABU is re. Consulting you on the tattoo. His body, his choice.

Your relationship sounds dead in the water.

The wedding is the least of your worries.

She's not deluded; she's just a mom of a young child with a man she saw a future with because they'd have 7 good years together.

Judging from her responses she's had all of the same thoughts as the rest of us but was just hoping someone would tell her it's salvageable.

You’ll be the muppet if you continue this ‘relationship’. You don’t actually have a relationship. You have a man child who has zero interest in settling down, has cheated on you multiple times ( the one off ‘confession’ was him testing you on how far he can go) is feckless and aimless. He’s presumably mid thirties living at home, his mother who would like him to cop on is whispering sweet nothings in your ear, he’s galavanting, with zero responsibilities. He’s not even working full time, lives rent, utility free, spends all his money on himself and has zero interest in either you or his baby.

You have not mentioned any period of him living normally as a committed dad and partner. You enable him because if your desperation for “happy families”. Therapy will fix nothing. Because there is nothing there to fix.

To your credit you have your own home, a steady job, a loved baby. Get rid of this deadbeat dad now before you make the catastrophic mistake of marrying him.

His mother thinks he’s having a difficult time adjusting to fatherhood.

I'm sorry to say this, OP but I think in your DP's case, this is code for having regrets.

When women have a difficult time adjusting to Motherhood they just have to crack on and do it anyway. Does spunking a load of money on a motorbike, throwing yourself into various hobbies, going out drinking twice a week and taking lots of childfree trips away really help you adjust to being a parent? No, it helps you avoid being a parent. He's not "having a difficult time" adjusting to family life, he doesn't want to adjust to family life and having sex with someone else is the ultimate expression of that. The fact that he can't even accept responsibility for cheating (I mean, he's actually using the Ross from Friends defence for fucks sake!) betrays a lack of integrity and accountability that I would personally find as difficult to forgive as the cheating itself. Of course he suggested going to therapy, so he can sit there wanking on and on about how difficult he's found it adjusting to fatherhood and call that "trying".

I understand that letting go of being a family is devastating. But the reality is that if you stay with this man you will be forever compromising on your idea of what a family should be. He doesn't want what you want. But I'm pretty sure he also doesn't want to go back to working full time, paying rent or living in his parents spare room! That means he's not going to end the relationship until he has another, equally cushy situation lined up. Don't waste your life hanging around until he finds it.

But he hasn't been putting in the effort and has consistently indicated he doesn't want to be here. You're treating the wedding as the sole make-or-break test - a test he's failed repeatedly already.

I think it's highly unreasonable to even think of banning your partner from attending a friend's wedding (doesn't matter how new a friend) on the basis that they might get drunk and be around people of the opposite sex. Imagine a partner trying to control you like that. I understand you're doing it in response to the shit he's put you through, but the fact that you've been pushed to the point of even thinking it's reasonable is a sign that the relationship is toxic beyond saving.

This isn't your/his last chance to save the relationship - it really is already dead. Stop being hung up on your image of your ideal "little family", you can build a much better little family without him. It's also relevant because you know that if you didn't have a kid, you wouldn't have put up with his shit for anywhere near as long.

YABU because literally nothing you’ve posted suggests he has any interest in you or your relationship.

Stop flogging a dead horse.

Likely because he has an easy life with you. You subsidise him and he has sooo much freedom. If you said you wanted a more equitable financial arrangement and he would need to start paying rent to you (thus needing to work more hours) and you needed him to do more of the childcare my guess is he would be far less keen on reconciling.

Sorry op you deserve better.

This. The wedding, the tattoo etc are complete red herrings.

You can't stop him doing any of these things so don't bother trying: this is just you trying to control something uncontrollable.

You basically just need to face up to the fact that he's a heaving drinking, cheating deadbeat who isn't capable of being a committed partner and move on. Your child will certainly be better without him.

Whatever you do, don't marry him or have another child with him and move along. There's absolutely nothing worth saving.

The thing is, then why did he ask me to do those things?! It’s so confusing 😭

Two options:

Either he saw you as a meal ticket with the cheap living etc

Or he 'settled down' because society told him to and hasn't grown the fuck up

How many times does this man have to disrespect you before you put yourself and your baby first and dump him.

He might be telling you he wants the relationship to work, but he sure as shit isn't acting like it.

You say you need to draw a line, this line should have drawn the minute he shagged another woman. Sorry but you need to respect yourself and tell him to fuck off.

I can kinda understand where you're coming from. I'm guessing you want him to skip the wedding to show that he can prioritise your feelings. Which he is not willing to do.

Here's the thing though. He doesn't think he cheated so therefore he thinks you're unfairly punishing him and everything should be back to normal. If this was a man that regretted what he did, he wouldn't be out with his mates, going to a wedding of a new friend. He would be at your night every evening doing the bath time before heading back to his parents, he'd be bringing shopping and ready made foods. He would be giving you a shortlist of couples councillors that he's researched. He'd be swearing his head of like how it will never happen again, how he won't drink, how he wint go on mates holidays etc.

Is he actually doing anything to show that he wants to be an active and involved dad and a good partner? Or does he want you do all the work so he can go back to his easy life?