To not want partner to go to wedding without me?

[forfarhill]

Okay so obviously this is more complicated than just the title, so let me try and explain
without writing a novel!

I am engaged to my partner and we have a 14 month old. We’re currently having a very rough patch that I’m not sure our relationship will survive, but we both want to try and work it out.

The rough patch started after my partner decided he was going to buy a motorbike (one of my big deal breakers, he already does extreme sport and he had to borrow money for the bike), we argued over it a bit, then he decided to get a tattoo in a developing country whilst on holidays at a family wedding despite me asking him not. I couldn’t attend the wedding as it was not child friendly, but I encouraged him to go.

After he informed me he’d gone ahead and got the tattoo we had a massive argument, this is while he’s still overseas. I told him he’s prioritising his wants over his own child and fiancé. That before making big permanent decisions he should at least consider and consult his family. I should also point out the I have an OS trip planned that’s been 6 years in the making, that he was meant to be coming on, instead he took his holiday leave to visit his mates, and instead of delaying the bike purchase so he could afford to go he chose to get the bike.

So we argued and then agreed to talk when he got home. He went to the wedding and then out clubbing with his mates.

He texted as usual for the rest of his trip. When he got home I could tell something was off, he came out with that he needs ‘space to consider if he can ever be happy in this relationship.’ And that he wants his freedom. This is all out of left field for me, sure we argued but it wasn’t this serious.

About three days later he confesses he screwed some random girl from
the club because he ‘thought we were done’. Which is bullshit. We’ve been together 8 years, I never would’ve ended it over text and he knew that and even agreed to discuss it when he got home.

So he’s now living at his parents while we organise couples therapy and see if we can unf**k this mess he’s made.

In the meantime he’s been invited to a friends wedding, he’s only known this person around 9 months, and this wedding is while I will be away OS. I’ve told him I think it’s super inappropriate for him to attended without me, given the current circumstances and the fact I currently don’t trust him. He thinks I should not be worried and it’ll be fine as he only cheated because ‘he thought we were over’ but I think he obviously can’t be around girls and drink without there being a risk. Besides this is all very fresh, of course I’m not going to trust him!! I feel if he wants to work things out then he needs to prioritise me and what I need currently to be comfortable.

WIBU if I told him this is a nonnegotiable boundary for me and he’s not to go?

I honestly don’t think you can stop another adult from attending a wedding whilst you are on holiday. Even if you could, it isn’t going to fix this mess of a relationship, it really is the least of your problems. This man doesn’t give a shit about you, he has no respect for you or for the relationship and sooner or later he will be gone. You are just prolonging the pain of being in this relationship.

I’ve said yabu because you shouldn’t be in this relationship a moment longer. He is showing you contempt in every way possible. This man is a millstone around your neck. You have a child and are showing her this is how relationships work.

What would you say to her if she was engaged to a man like this? Please learn what true self respect is by spending the therapy money on you to discover how to set good boundaries.

Get a copy of Lundy Bancroft “why does he do that”. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

Please don’t consider getting into another relationship until you realise you are an equal with equal rights. No one deserves constant special dispensation so that you can run the entire show.

You’d be a fool to marry this man. He’s taking you for a ride and pretending some of the cheating is on you.

It's time to acknowledge you didn't choose a reliable family man. He simply doesn't want to settle down. He's not really interested in monogamy, doesn't like the responsibility of being a parent and isn't brave enough/have integrity to end the relationship. You chose a bit of a loser and are pursuing him for what he doesn't want to and possibly can never give you. By all means prolong the relationship with couple's therapy, but it seems a glaring waste of time and money.

He's not living with you and cheated on you. There is nothing you can do but to end it.

I think you would be happier moving on with your life without him. You just have to find the strength to finish this relationship. If you don’t, I suspect he will continue to hurt you until you are finally pushed too far, or one of the people he cheats on you with will insist you split up.

Let him go and use the time alone to plan how to leave him

There's nothing to save here. He was unfaithful. He had sex with someone else. If you had sex with him since you need to check up re sexual diseases. The wedding isn't the issue. Let that go he can go. You not together anymore. It's over I'm sorry op it's over. Look after yourself here and your DC.

I would say give therapy a try. You will have to have some form of continued contact and the therapy can help as a minimum work out how you interact to co parent. It gives you the opportunity to try and explain how you feel and him to respond. In all honesty it doesn't sound like that will be enough to save the romantic partnership but it may start you on a better footing for the next stage of your relationship. It may help you move on in a more healthy state of mind for you.

The wedding is a tricky one. Have said to him the simple truth 'I want you to want to do this for me, because whether I am right or wrong I do not want you to go. You have hurt me and this would show me that you are willing to give and take in the relationship. It may seem stupid to you but you will get over not going to a wedding far easily then I can get over you sleeping so quickly with someone else. So please do not go if as you going will upset me on top of everything else. Go and I will see that as very bad sign for our relationship which is already in the verge of being over. Spend the time with our daughter. Show me that family time is and is going to be important."
He is seeing it as you have start trusting him. He needs to know that you are seeing it as he has to start showing his commitment and that he is listening to you.

I voted yabu for even considering staying with him. He is very selfish and reckless. He will make your life miserable. And he cheated very easily for someone cheating for the first time.

I agree, totally disrespectful of his child.

Why should he ask about a tattoo? It’s in a country where it isn’t regulated, I’m a pub health officer and I’ve seen some shit. HIV and hep c ain’t no joke, also I think it’s just common courtesy to consult over a permanent body modification.

He didn’t ask me about clubbing, nor did I expect him to. I was just saying that was where he went and what he did. He also did several bar crawls and hikes and I never expect him to ask permission.

I did actually trust him before he cheated, a lot. Who knows if I can regain it.

I did actually trust him before he cheated, a lot. Who knows if I can regain it.
why would you want to? What would be the benefit of trusting someone who isnt trustworthy?

I know right?

You want to be in a committed relationship with this guy, he doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship with you. His actions speak loud and clear, his bike, lads holidays and what he wants are more important than you and your baby. Get rid.

He 'thought you were over' but he came home to you and the only reason he told you about his infidelity was because you noticed a change in his behaviour. So if he had managed not to look shifty you'd never have found out.

He's an irresponsible, immature pathetic excuse for a man/father and tbh you've been enabling his behaviour.

Who's looking after your child while you're away and he's off to his mates wedding? Is he palming her off on his parents while he's off partying with his mates?

Put yourself out of the misery and dump his arse - you'll never trust him again and you'll be resentful of him, the selfish behaviour, not treating you as an equal in your 'relationship', and being a sad, sorry excuse of a father.

hug

I think the relationship is over. But this is not an unreasonable ultimatum.

It should be:

1. No away trips/ weddings without you for the foreseeable future (so he needs to RSVP no)
2. Couples' counselling, starting yesterday
3. STD check (cheating and getting dodgy tattoos while abroad is not a smart health move)
4. Less drinking with his buddies (certainly those who were with him when he cheated).

No arguments, no excuses. If he does not do that and commit to that - the relationship is over. And, as he is so feckless I suggest you go straight down the child support and court route to ensure your child is prioritised over his 'fun money'.

@forfarhill you are flogging a dead horse here. This relationship is totally over.

He doesn’t have any respect for you and you can’t trust him. Most women would have binned him ages ago. I think you might benefit from therapy yourself to help you to improve your self esteem, which has probably been eroded by being with this knobhead.

He doesn’t have to ask you to get a tattoo or any other body modification as it’s his body, but that is irrelevant. You shouldn’t be attempting to salvage this relationship. He is a terrible partner and not a particularly good father. What are you trying to salvage? You’re even blaming yourself saying you’ve been too lenient letting him go out and do his hobbies, that’s ridiculous. We don’t have to force men into being good partners and fathers, they should do this naturally and if they don’t it’s not a woman’s responsibility. You owe it to your child to walk away and learn how to Co-parent well.

He’s not actually trying at all is he?! You can’t fix this on your own. He takes zero responsibility for his child or your relationship, and your child depends on you 100% so that’s the one you need to focus your effort on. Drop the rest. Just tell him I’ve been doing all the work and running and thinking as well as parenting, and I can’t do that any more. I fought for us at least- you can’t say that. When I’m back let me know where you are living and your thoughts on a contact schedule and maintenance payments for your child. Bye.

I’d say it like that- don’t do him the favour of telling him it’s over. He hasn’t done you that favour, just thought maybe you could work it out by his actions.

Not trying to be mean but you need a wake up call here. He doesn’t care about you or the shared child. He’s giving you crumbs to keep you sweet for cheap accommodation and child care - if you broke up he would need to pay rent and child maintenance…..

I think your relationship is more like dm and teenage son.
If your dp doesn't contribute financially or as a parent then what's the point of him?

I mean, this wedding is the least of your concerns?

As everyone says, whether or not he goes to the wedding is a complete red herring. It’s a totally arbitrary ‘test’ of his commitment and he could easily miss the wedding and still be a dick (likely) or go the wedding and pull his shit together (vanishingly unlikely). You’re bestowing some kind of magic quality on this wedding decision. It doesbt actually matter

He is behaving like a single man because he believes that he is.
I hope you aren't funding his lifestyle.

Kick him out.

The 🗑️ is the best place for this prince among men.

If he can have more freedom and save more money being with you than living with his parents because you essentially fund his lifestyle that’s why he’s with you, not because he loves you. He wanted a child to trap you, it doesn’t sound like he actually does much parenting or puts his child first but having a child means you’re less likely to leave him. He doesn’t love or prioritise you or his child, he loves and prioritises himself, you two are the baggage he must put up with in order to fund and enjoy the lifestyle you enable him to have.

You deserve better. Your child deserves better. He won’t change and there is nothing in this relationship to save.