My husband has bought a car behind my back

[PinocchiosWife]

My husband seems to think that this is perfectly reasonable behaviour and I should actually be delighted.

Sorry for the length, didn't want to drip feed!

For context, we have been really struggling with money for a number of years. We had an old banger to get around in, and it was due it's MOT and supposedly booked in for it on a Monday a few weeks ago. I went away for a week working on the Friday before this.

When I returned I was surprised (to say the least) to find this lovely plush car picking me up. My first question was "where did this come from?“ to which he replied really sarcastically "a garage". I then asked where he'd found the money to pay for it, and he said a loan. He was obviously getting really angry so I didn't ask any more initially.

When he was calmer he told me that our car had failed it's MOT, and that he'd borrowed the money for this new car from some friends. He told me how much the car was, but refused point blank to tell me how much he'd borrowed. Apparently it wasn't like that in his family growing up - his dad would just buy a new car and his mum would just say oh that's lovely dear. Because of this he's unable to tell me about big financial decisions. 😂

Anyway a little while later, I discovered that not only that the car was more than he'd said, but also that he'd borrowed much more than the cost of the car. I also found out that the previous car had never even been for it's MOT, but had been traded in for the new car. The biggest shocker to me was that the new car had arrived on the Saturday (a day after I'd left on the work trip). He'd not mentioned any of this at the time despite speaking to me on the phone every day.

When I asked him about this, he said he didn't have to tell me how much he'd borrowed, and continued lying about the cost of the car. Then he said that I didn't trust him, didn't communicate, and proceeded to be horribly angry at me for another week.

So, if you've read all of that malarkey, congrats!
Aibu to expect that spouses should share this kind of information? Or am I not?
Over to you, wise mumsnetters!

Your marriage is doomed. How you've made it this far is beyond me.

So how is he planning to repay the loan and does he have a written agreement in place with the friends? What is the rest of the money for?

Whichever way you look at it, he sounds like a twat, an abusive twat.

Cars are a joint financial burden in our house, and as such a joint decision. I would go mad if DH bought a car without involving me and would expect the same reaction if I did the same. It's too much of a financial impact to not be a joint decision.

If we were in the situation that cars weren't so expensive relative to our income (lottery win etc) that would be different. Even then, I would expect honesty if I spoke to him about it.

That’s not how marriages are meant to work. He’s also a liar which is such s bad combination

Who exactly did he borrow from. As his spouse you're jointly responsible for debts either of you incur.

My concern (beyond the deceit and attitude) is who he borrowed the money off, how quickly they want it back and how much interest they charge. Of course it’s your business, he’s plunged you both into debt.

What did he spend the extra on after buying the car? He needs to clear the debt right away because it could be a loan with high interest. What an idiot to borrow cash without discussing it with you. Protect any cash that’s yours so he doesn’t spend it.

To play devil's advocate for a moment, he's clearly lying to you about the car because he knew you'd never "let" him buy it if he told you. That probably says more about your marriage and his attitude towards you than anything else.

He's irresponsible and shouldn't have done this - but clearly there is some reason why. He could surely have got the money from a bank or finance company instead? Is he lying about where it came from? Does he have bad credit or form for doing this in the past? Could it have been gambling winnings or something instead?

I would find that unacceptable and disrespectful, we share big decisions.

Who borrows money off friends for a car? Do you know who he has borrowed off?

He has borrowed money from an elderly lady we know. He does her gardens for them, currently about 4-6 hours a week. Apparently he will be working the loan off, and I wouldn't have thought she'd charge him interest.

Even if he is working the money off (so effectively he is repaying it rather than you) that is time when could have been earning money so does impact you. My DH doesn't drive but I am definitely discussing our next car purchase (and the loan required) with him.

It's all a bit unsavoury isn't it? Lying to you, being abusive, borrowing money when there's no need, borrowing from an old lady. I don't know, it all just seems shady.

Was it a BMW? Nice colour?

@theGooHasGone -but clearly there is some reason why

Yes. He wants to be able to drive around in a plush car, wearing suits and generally behaving like we aren't pretty much on the breadline. He's been 'self employed' for 3 years now, and we're being clobbered by the MIF on UC.

Am fed up of him telling me I'm overreacting for being upset over stuff like this.
And I'm hinking I must've married the village idiot if he thinks he can lie to my face and in the same breath berate me for not trusting him!

Leaving aside the lying to you, the anger, the manipulation and the inability to communicate like an adult, which is bad enough and something I’d ponder divorce over.

Do you realise how dodgy this sounds - if I was a relative of that lady I’d be pretty concerned he’s pressured/conned her into loaning it. Who the hell lends the guy who does their garden enough money to buy a nice car, interest free, and expects him to work it off - what kind of ridiculous hourly rate is he on?!!

Omg he has ripped off an old lady for her money

I'm sorry. This sounds like utter bullshit.

I've made this exact point to him. It's like talking to a brick wall.

Gosh he sounds a prince amongst men.

Lying to you, making you feel like you have no right to be angry that he’s lied. “Borrowed” money from an elderly lady and he isn’t actually going to give her May money back! Sounds extremely dodgy and if this was my elderly relative I’d be calling the police!

I mean it's not entirely the same if he bought Ford or Rolls Royce

What!?!

He borrowed thousands of pounds from an elderly lady that he does a few hours gardening for

i bet she felt like she couldn’t say no

Poor lady - this is unacceptable

Similar to this, I do wonder if the old lady's family will think she has been coerced into giving the money...

So, he’s :

• financially irresponsible
• a liar
• abusive
• and gaslights you into thinking it’s your fault?

Oh, and I bet he’s lying about the circumstances surrounding the ‘loan’. On what planet would an acquaintance loan a large amount of money to someone on the loose agreement that he would ‘work it off’? He saw an opportunity to manipulate an elderly woman out of her money so he can get what he wants. I’d pay her a visit and see what you can discover. And pay the money back.

What a disgusting man

No not a BMW, but not far off! Secondhand, but still way out of our current affordability.

He has done this before with other less expensive things.

He would be chuked out to sleep in the freaking car ‘ sorry but big decisions as that are to be made together . How dare he say you have no right to know your financial situation