My husband has bought a car behind my back

[PinocchiosWife]

My husband seems to think that this is perfectly reasonable behaviour and I should actually be delighted.

Sorry for the length, didn't want to drip feed!

For context, we have been really struggling with money for a number of years. We had an old banger to get around in, and it was due it's MOT and supposedly booked in for it on a Monday a few weeks ago. I went away for a week working on the Friday before this.

When I returned I was surprised (to say the least) to find this lovely plush car picking me up. My first question was "where did this come from?“ to which he replied really sarcastically "a garage". I then asked where he'd found the money to pay for it, and he said a loan. He was obviously getting really angry so I didn't ask any more initially.

When he was calmer he told me that our car had failed it's MOT, and that he'd borrowed the money for this new car from some friends. He told me how much the car was, but refused point blank to tell me how much he'd borrowed. Apparently it wasn't like that in his family growing up - his dad would just buy a new car and his mum would just say oh that's lovely dear. Because of this he's unable to tell me about big financial decisions. 😂

Anyway a little while later, I discovered that not only that the car was more than he'd said, but also that he'd borrowed much more than the cost of the car. I also found out that the previous car had never even been for it's MOT, but had been traded in for the new car. The biggest shocker to me was that the new car had arrived on the Saturday (a day after I'd left on the work trip). He'd not mentioned any of this at the time despite speaking to me on the phone every day.

When I asked him about this, he said he didn't have to tell me how much he'd borrowed, and continued lying about the cost of the car. Then he said that I didn't trust him, didn't communicate, and proceeded to be horribly angry at me for another week.

So, if you've read all of that malarkey, congrats!
Aibu to expect that spouses should share this kind of information? Or am I not?
Over to you, wise mumsnetters!

Wow, what a nasty guy. The lying then the getting angry about it is too much. I'd be thinking if LTB

Are you contributing financially to the household budget. Driving an old banger isnt safe. And if the car failed its mot what was he meant to do. He made a decision. Somebody had to.

Maybe he just convinced the old lady to lie for him that she had loaned it. If she’s of sound mind and has a husband to intervene as well, it seems less likely she’d willingly hand over thousands (much different than hundreds). Maybe he told her you were controlling etc. At least that’s what I hope, for her sake.
Are you joined credit wise ? Can you do a credit check ?

This is financial infidelity.

If you want to get a rough idea of the amount of loan, Google the make of car, year of manufacture, how many miles it’s done and “for sale” and you’ll find a similar one online.

My XH did this. Except he put his fancy new car on a really expensive loan brokered by the garage. I had no idea and there was nothing wrong with his existing car. Note he is XH.

What about this self employed business? Is it just a little hobby he is making a few quid out of so he can swan around pretending to be Billy Big Bollocks?

He sounds like a total arse to me with his misogynistic views.

My dad did this - my mum was away somewhere, when she came back there was a lovely sleek car on our drive with our old car (same brand, not as sleek). She went ape shit and told me that had been the last straw. We were up to our eyeballs in debt. The marriage was already rocky. The new car was gotten rid of soon after but damage had been done.

So much this.

Get rid of this lying con artist.

Leave him and take the car with you.

He is a man child.

Does the little old ladies family know she’s leant a neighbour a few thousand quid in return for grass cutting and hedge trimming? They may not be overjoyed with that when they find out. It might look as he’s taken advantage of her good nature.

That could easily be seen as elder abuse.
Looks well dodgy,sounds well dodgy.

For your OP I walk to work and rarely drive anywhere. I could care less what car my DP gets. But we are not on the bread line and we wont be "borrowing" money from an elderly lady.

What happens if she dies while he still owes all this money. Whoever inherits might want or even need the money fast. How will you pay.

It's more likely to be a loan brokered by the garage with the old car in part exchange and he daren't tell you the interest amount I would guess.
Would he be willing to get a part time job a couple of nights a week to help pay it off?

Sorry OP! Have a secret "stash" !

Hire a snazzy cabriolet for the weekend...but pretend that you've actually bought it for yourself, just like he did...

This is a misconception. OP is not responsible for her husband’s debt. Unless it was through a joint application or has arisen from any joint accounts (like a loan, overdraft or credit card).

https://www.experian.co.uk/consumer/guides/partners-debt.html#:~:text=Can%20I%20be%20held%20liable,will%20benefit%20your%20credit%20report.

Why isn't he earning more? How much does he earn?

The Government has made it clear that it's not acceptable to earn a few quid a week being 'self employed' and have your income topped up significantly by benefits, so he either needs to earn at least £25-30k after expenses (because he'd earn £20k+ if he got a full time NMW job that would include holiday pay, a pension and sick pay), including the money he owes the lady who leant him the money for the car, or he needs to limit his gardening to a day a week at the weekend to pay off the loan and get a regular job. Just about every employer in the country has multiple vacancies so I'm sure he'll find something.

What else has he bought? More toys for him I expect? How are you going to pay the bills while a chunk of his wages are going on paying off the loan for the car? He needs to up his hours/get some more work ASAP to bridge the gap.

Do this elderly couple have children? I hope so, they clearly need someone to look out for them as your husband seems to have found an easy target to milk for cash. That's awful 😞

What’s the bigger picture here? How long have you been together, do you have DC, are you renting or buying, do you work?

These things all play into your decision about what to do next. That, and his response to you being angry about what he’s done.

You see, I’m impulsive. I look after the finances in our house (just me and DH) because he’s not interested. For several years, I was putting some of our money into peer-to-peer lending. It was like a game, and I got better returns than just a savings account. I told DH at the outset that was what I was doing, and he was, yeah, whatever. So I didn’t keep him updated with every change.

At one point I had over £10K in various schemes, and although it was in my name, as far as I was concerned it was all joint money, as all our money is.

Then P2P started going sour, so I gradually pulled the money back. Then I saw something called Ripple - buy into a cooperative which builds a wind turbine, and once it’s in production, get your profits as a discount on your electricity bill.

I put £2K into it in December 2020. The turbine was built and went into production in March 2022. And it’s working out really well. But I did it without discussing it with DH. And when I eventually told him, he was really cross. Not because I had wasted or lost money - I hadn’t, it’s going to make us a bomb. But I had made an investment of a significant amount of money, without discussing it.

I apologised and promised I wouldn’t do it again. And since then, even when I get all excited about some new savings product - if it’s a significant departure from what we’ve done before, I discuss it with him first.

There’s the difference. I did something which was out of order, I recognised it, and I changed.

It’s not about whether the car purchase was necessary or appropriate (doesn’t sound like it was), or how he financed it (dodgy). It’s about the fact he did it without discussion, and DOESN’T SEE THAT AS A PROBLEM.

Reread the OP - the original car didn't go for a MOT. He just traded it for a more expensive model.

Rate of interest and pay-back terms might impact on the house keeping funds.

We are big decisions like this together but I do know other families who they each make their own decisions, eg new car, new tv, garden house etc without discussion.

it’s the fact he’s ‘borrowed’ the money from someone to get the car that would annoy me, if you can’t afford it yourself then you don’t get it.

My Dad cleared out the joint savings to buy a huge a very fancy car without consulting my mum. There was an almighty row and she refused to save with him again. They towed about money all the time - not surprisingly

Does UC know about these loans that works off? This is basically him being paid in advance & should be on his accounts if he is receiving money & paying it off by working. You are essentially committing benefit fraud if this isn’t put through his accounts. It’s not a loan in their eyes as they will see it as he’s being paid to do a job

Aside to him (well both of you technically) potentially committing benefit fraud he sounds like an awful husband to be doing these things without consulting you, but also taking large amounts of money from an elderly lady is grounds for divorce for me. I couldn’t be with a man who thinks that’s ok

Why is he working there? Is it not for family income? So the money that was for family income is no longer coming into the family as he wanted a fancy car? No consideration to you. The old woman not telling you how much he has borrowed is odd too!!! What’s he’s doing with the extra money? Debt? Drugs?
Hes a bully who shuts you down by getting angry.
How will you manage without this income. I go back to her and tell her it is your business as you have no income from him.