My husband has bought a car behind my back

[PinocchiosWife]

My husband seems to think that this is perfectly reasonable behaviour and I should actually be delighted.

Sorry for the length, didn't want to drip feed!

For context, we have been really struggling with money for a number of years. We had an old banger to get around in, and it was due it's MOT and supposedly booked in for it on a Monday a few weeks ago. I went away for a week working on the Friday before this.

When I returned I was surprised (to say the least) to find this lovely plush car picking me up. My first question was "where did this come from?“ to which he replied really sarcastically "a garage". I then asked where he'd found the money to pay for it, and he said a loan. He was obviously getting really angry so I didn't ask any more initially.

When he was calmer he told me that our car had failed it's MOT, and that he'd borrowed the money for this new car from some friends. He told me how much the car was, but refused point blank to tell me how much he'd borrowed. Apparently it wasn't like that in his family growing up - his dad would just buy a new car and his mum would just say oh that's lovely dear. Because of this he's unable to tell me about big financial decisions. 😂

Anyway a little while later, I discovered that not only that the car was more than he'd said, but also that he'd borrowed much more than the cost of the car. I also found out that the previous car had never even been for it's MOT, but had been traded in for the new car. The biggest shocker to me was that the new car had arrived on the Saturday (a day after I'd left on the work trip). He'd not mentioned any of this at the time despite speaking to me on the phone every day.

When I asked him about this, he said he didn't have to tell me how much he'd borrowed, and continued lying about the cost of the car. Then he said that I didn't trust him, didn't communicate, and proceeded to be horribly angry at me for another week.

So, if you've read all of that malarkey, congrats!
Aibu to expect that spouses should share this kind of information? Or am I not?
Over to you, wise mumsnetters!

How he manipulated that lady into lending him that amount of money would give me the utter ick.

Not sure it's even true. Who would lend their gardener enough money to buy a car outright?!

WTAF how disturbing what he has done to an old lady. I think he probably needs to be reported to the police. Similar to the stories you hear about the men who rip old people off with saying they have a roof tile loose. Your DP sounds like scum.

I get that he wanted a newer car and that the old one may have failed and then there is the situation of the car becoming a money pit, so you would have to consider wherever it's worth it or go buy a new one.

That would be something you would discuss together and make a joint decision, perhaps one of you conceding that the other decides which is best, but at least it would have been talked through.

Instead he's acted selfishly and lied and liars don't usually choose one particular thing to lie about, it's a personality trait and I would be concerned that he lies about all kinds of things.

The loan isn't just 'between the two of them'. If you chuck him out and file for divorce, the courts will definitely see it as a marital debt. So it has everything to do with you.

Not if he’s got no legally valid contract it’s not. There may not be a contract at all in which case it is crystal clear it is absolutely nothing to do with your coming divorce. If there is something in writing I’d fight to leave it with him still!

So he has lied to you and justified it. His income has dropped and he is in debt. And he thinks you should be fine about it and never mention it again.

He sounds selfish and single.
Do you know him at all, are you re-evaluating your relationship?

I'd leave him. That's an awful lot of money and directly impacts you. You can't live like this, surely?

I could never imagine me or hubby making big decisions that affect the family without discussions, plans etc. And tbh even little decisions we tend to discuss all the time to, so much nicer to be on the same page in a marriage

All of this.

Have you calculated how long this loan will take to to be repaid? The previous loans and repayments sound like softening her up till he could get a significant amount

He sounds like a lying, manipulative abusive scumbag, OP.
He has no intention of paying this woman back.
You really need to get away from him!
Good luck - it sounds like you have got the measure of him.

He’s not on your team at all; he expects you to just say that’s nice when his debt and his decisions affect you both. Don’t stay with someone who doesn’t respect you

He's stolen off an old lady. There's a reason his borrowing arrangement feels dirty and unsavoury. It is. He should be ashamed and you should be ashamed of him. Hopefully a relative will intervene for her and he gets nailed as a con artist.

Heavens! I'd be super annoyed at the lies but the point of no return for me is taking advantage of the old lady. Does this woman have a family? Gos help him if they find out? I'm afraid I'd be kicking him out this is a breaking point for me.

If I discovered my husband had “borrowed” money from an elderly lady, I would be disgusted beyond words. To the point of I don’t think I could be with somebody like that. It is sickening.

Poor old lady.

I can't believe that's not your biggest concern in all this

If he was to default you would be jointly responsible. For that team alone it ABSOLUTELY IS your business.

What was the extra money for OP?

Is he always rude, dismissive and a misogynist?

So he’s asked an old lady who isn’t a relative or a really close friend/family friend for money?
Id be fuming over the whole thing but this would tip me over the edge. Does he think “working back the money” is the same as physically giving this lady the money back? Poor lady!

Is he expecting you to repay the loan back with him for the car? 😱

At the very least, I’d consult a solicitor. Best of luck.

“The biggest shocker to me was that the new car had arrived on the Saturday (a day after I'd left on the work trip). He'd not mentioned any of this at the time despite speaking to me on the phone every day. “

How is that the big shock? Whether you agree with the car purchase and dodgy loan or not, that’s the only bit that’s not a shock - he clearly wanted to surprise you.

That is not more of a shock than the multiple lies, surely?

I would not stay married to a man that treated me like this.

You're married to him, he's just saddled you both with a huge debt and refuses to talk about it. Of course it's your business!

There are significant communication issues if this is how your DH treats you, I'd be concerned about the long-term future of your relationship.

He was obviously getting really angry so I didn't ask any more initially.

Not only is he an irresponsible fucking idiot, he’s a liar -L and he’s controlling you with anger.

He’s using frightening rage to keep you in your box.

He sounds like a lying, conniving, secretive git. How you could ever trust him around money in the future escapes me. Oh and I forgot arrogant….’you don’t need to know’ what the heck! What century does he think he’s living in!! He’s in a partnership!

You have married the village idiot. Life will
never be what you deserve with him next to you. You will always be capped, held back and stuck. It doesn’t sound as if he’s got actual skills to progress into a more lucrative career either. You need to decide how you want the next 40-60 years to be…