My husband has bought a car behind my back

[PinocchiosWife]

My husband seems to think that this is perfectly reasonable behaviour and I should actually be delighted.

Sorry for the length, didn't want to drip feed!

For context, we have been really struggling with money for a number of years. We had an old banger to get around in, and it was due it's MOT and supposedly booked in for it on a Monday a few weeks ago. I went away for a week working on the Friday before this.

When I returned I was surprised (to say the least) to find this lovely plush car picking me up. My first question was "where did this come from?“ to which he replied really sarcastically "a garage". I then asked where he'd found the money to pay for it, and he said a loan. He was obviously getting really angry so I didn't ask any more initially.

When he was calmer he told me that our car had failed it's MOT, and that he'd borrowed the money for this new car from some friends. He told me how much the car was, but refused point blank to tell me how much he'd borrowed. Apparently it wasn't like that in his family growing up - his dad would just buy a new car and his mum would just say oh that's lovely dear. Because of this he's unable to tell me about big financial decisions. 😂

Anyway a little while later, I discovered that not only that the car was more than he'd said, but also that he'd borrowed much more than the cost of the car. I also found out that the previous car had never even been for it's MOT, but had been traded in for the new car. The biggest shocker to me was that the new car had arrived on the Saturday (a day after I'd left on the work trip). He'd not mentioned any of this at the time despite speaking to me on the phone every day.

When I asked him about this, he said he didn't have to tell me how much he'd borrowed, and continued lying about the cost of the car. Then he said that I didn't trust him, didn't communicate, and proceeded to be horribly angry at me for another week.

So, if you've read all of that malarkey, congrats!
Aibu to expect that spouses should share this kind of information? Or am I not?
Over to you, wise mumsnetters!

Well if you don’t need to share this info - sell the car without telling him and buy him a scooter? 🤣

Christ! That could lead to trouble. Does she have family?

LTB. And I’m not being sarcastic.

Yet another DH (abbreviation for dick head in this case) that saddles his wife with his own debt, gaslighting and irresponsible decisions. Big purchases should be made jointly. He has no respect for you. Leave him before he makes a further shambles of his life.

I don’t get this “all money pooled” thing. Never will.

I wouldnt discuss with my partner whether i could get a new car, or another horse. I might discuss which one i’m getting but there is absolutely no way i’m asking permission.
Same with him. As long as he doesn't spend too much money meaning he can’t pay his share of the household bills, he can buy what he likes.

Aside from the lying, which may be because you would have said no, i dont know. But defo doesnt require permission in my book

His behaviour (telling lies, concealing the truth, conning an elderly woman and gaslighting) would obliterate any trust I could have in him. If you can't trust in him, there's nothing to stay for. Quit whilst you're ahead.

The car is used by both of them so should be a joint decision especially when there is not enough money to pay the household bills!

We got a new car recently. Well I did, because it was to swap my car. I knew we could do the finance without a problem but still went home after I'd seen the car I wanted to get, and said 'can we definitely do this' because it's our money and our budget etc.
Having read all your posts, I'm amazed that your husband thinks this is reasonable to go behind your back etc. What else is he doing behind your back that you don't know about?

Well, yeah, because in your world purchasing a car is of no more importance than buying a $20 shirt. But that is not the real world. you are in the minority.

I agree. As long as he took the debt out from whatever source then its his responsibility. Un a way he was right about how his mother would react to his father buying a new car. This is one of the reasons why men are no longer head of the household . Women think they can do it when the only thing they've achieved is stress. Leave them to it. And why are you sharing thr household bills. Why have you take on this 'sharing bills' mentality .
You are his wife and its his job to provide for you. Regardless of whether you work and earn or not.

So he's a liar and lies to your face. I just couldn't tolerate that OP. I'd rather we'd had an argument about the car and he'd said well I'm getting it anyway than all those lies. He has no respect for you.

Who are the 2% that think your been unreasonable I would go mad it would be over

@MarrymeJM

You are his wife and its his job to provide for you. Regardless of whether you work and earn or not.

Do people really still think like this?

If it works for your relationship, that's all good for you.

But to believe it should be the norm? In 2023? Catch yourself on.

Do you not understand that many (most?) women want to be financially independent regardless of their marital status nowadays?

🤣🤣🤣

Your husband is an abuser of both you and the elderly lady Get rid

I voted yanbu but, having read the OP posts I'm in 2 minds.
While it's unreasonable for him to do this behind your back, and to lie about it, sounds as if you probably wouldn't have agreed to it. The loan doesn't sound coerced or risky and obvs it's something that's important to him and maybe his self respect. (Men have funny ways of showing it). Also you get to drive/be driven round in a nice car lol.

If he's a good husband in other ways, maybe have a good think before you take actions.

Oh bless you, this is 2023 or has no one mentioned that? If he was to get a properly paying job then fine. But he hasn't. I do. But as we are on UC and get hit with £500 deduction every month due to him not meeting the minimum income floor, I'm the one desperately trying to make up the shortfall each month. So yes, fine if he has the money to pay for it, not fine if I or others have to subsidise his spending.

Fifty years ago. a wise old woman gave me her recipe for a successful marriage. It may be trite and corny but at its heart, there is wisdom and truth.

In the word wedding, W E comes before I .

How many marriages would thrive instead of founder if selfishness was somehow magically forbidden.

Good luck, OP.

A car purchase was the exact reason why me and my ExH separated
Igrew tired of him making reckless financial decisions that were apparently his to make and none of my business but suddenly were my business when he couldn’t make repayments.
It got to the stage where I’d check my credit score daily I became so paranoid.

YANBU

Omg op ignore this person . She is deluded , so we are supposed to let out partners do all decisions because they are men . Misogynistic views are alive and well !!
I ern 3 x what my partner earns , exactiy why should I let all financial decision be made by him

Most likely, but it will be valued at the purchase price minus the loan, I expect there's not much equity in it yet.

If I knew that elderly person I'd be fuming to find this out.

I only got as far as you saying he got really angry so you stopped asking questions. If you’re frightened to ask a perfectly reasonable question, or in fact any question at all, you’re in an abusive relationship.

Id go absolutely mental if my husband did this. All descions in our house get discussed, ( he normally says yeah whatever think) but "borrowing" (coercing ?? ) money of a old lady is terrible!! What on earth will her family think?
I think id be getting myself organised seeing a solicitor and to be finding somewhere else to live and leave him to his own devices.

That's an option I am seriously considering 🤣🤣🤣