My husband has bought a car behind my back

[PinocchiosWife]

My husband seems to think that this is perfectly reasonable behaviour and I should actually be delighted.

Sorry for the length, didn't want to drip feed!

For context, we have been really struggling with money for a number of years. We had an old banger to get around in, and it was due it's MOT and supposedly booked in for it on a Monday a few weeks ago. I went away for a week working on the Friday before this.

When I returned I was surprised (to say the least) to find this lovely plush car picking me up. My first question was "where did this come from?“ to which he replied really sarcastically "a garage". I then asked where he'd found the money to pay for it, and he said a loan. He was obviously getting really angry so I didn't ask any more initially.

When he was calmer he told me that our car had failed it's MOT, and that he'd borrowed the money for this new car from some friends. He told me how much the car was, but refused point blank to tell me how much he'd borrowed. Apparently it wasn't like that in his family growing up - his dad would just buy a new car and his mum would just say oh that's lovely dear. Because of this he's unable to tell me about big financial decisions. 😂

Anyway a little while later, I discovered that not only that the car was more than he'd said, but also that he'd borrowed much more than the cost of the car. I also found out that the previous car had never even been for it's MOT, but had been traded in for the new car. The biggest shocker to me was that the new car had arrived on the Saturday (a day after I'd left on the work trip). He'd not mentioned any of this at the time despite speaking to me on the phone every day.

When I asked him about this, he said he didn't have to tell me how much he'd borrowed, and continued lying about the cost of the car. Then he said that I didn't trust him, didn't communicate, and proceeded to be horribly angry at me for another week.

So, if you've read all of that malarkey, congrats!
Aibu to expect that spouses should share this kind of information? Or am I not?
Over to you, wise mumsnetters!

Enjoy your divorce OP.

taking money from an old lady, not paying it back, (working for her is not repayment), lying to his wife, refusing to discuss important issues with his wife, continuing to lie to his wife…. He’s sounds like an absolute donk.

This.

He's clearly a bully as his go to is to shut you down by getting angry.

Abusive and controlling.

He's scum and will put you into the financial gutter.

Get out asap.

Be so glad you don't have children with this loser.

I would have been out of the door the moment that car appeared. And reported him to the Police/SS for what he's done - that's elderly/financial abuse.

I think this is genuinely one of the worst things I've ever heard about on MN.

So I'll caveat this with saying my husband has actually bought a car without telling me first before. I wasn't thrilled but and it's an important but I think, at the time we had no money worries and were doing very well, we had separate cars and the finance was in his name and he paid for it completely by himself comfortably. In the same way I genuinely don't think he'd care if I went and did the same providing I paid for it and it could be comfortably afforded. I was angry at the time because although he never lied and did tell me exactly what he paid and what the repayments were straight away, he hadn't told me anything about it on purpose because he knew I'd probably be a bit more hesitant (although I'd have told him it was up to him given it was his money).

However, I would not be happy in your situation at all. By the sounds of it money is tough for you at the moment and therefore I'd expect any large financial commitments to be discussed, especially so if it's your only car and therefore yours too.

The lying is another thing, that's totally unacceptable.

Oh and borrowing money from an elderly lady? No.

I know someone whose husband bought A HOUSE without consulting her. Astonishingly, she is still married to this utter wanker.

OP, do not be the least surprised if they have family that report him to the plolice, for elder abuse.

I don't care how able they appear, he is taking advantage of them.

He is scum and I would 100% report him if he did this to a family member.

So wrong.

Get away from him.

He will only drag you down further.

If I was in your position I would be extremely upset 😡. My concern is also how does he take money of a elderly lady, I'm sure she felt she couldn't say no. Do you think he has got money off her before ???. In all honesty I can't see him paying back the money he owes her. Has he a written agreement......or is it modern day theft.

Check both your credit records and go through all accounts forensically.

Be prepared to find other unpleasant surprises.

I'm sorry this is happening OP, but it's best to know the true state of affairs. As others have said, what was the rest of the money for? Gather all financial information you can before he starts hiding things.

I'm afraid I'd be out the door so fast it would make his head spin. Regarding the elderly couple,how old are we talking? Call me cynical but I'd be thinking his idea is to keep doing the garden until they pass away or possibly go into care at which point he thinks the debt will no longer be repayable.

I’ve bought a few cars without consulting my husband beforehand. However, I don’t get us into debt to buy them. Your husband should have discussed this with you and is now undermining and trying to minimise your feelings. I’d be angry too.

I would flip my lid. Utterly outrageous behaviour on his part.

What did he do with the remaining money ???. The more I think of your situation the mire angry I would be with your husband. ......in time I can see police etc getting involved. Get out now while you can

I'm sorry but the fact you think it's ok because he's fleeced an elderly lady before and apparently paid it all back is disgusting. If this was my mother I'd be straight to the police. Something similar happened to my grandmother and only the absolute scum on the earth would do something like this, and you're not much better if you just accept it.

I would be concerned that when the police come knocking regarding his con artist behaviour that you yourself may be implicated.

If you have no kids with this man, today is the day to set the divorce in motion.

I have to say I really doubt the elderly lady has enough work for him to do to repay the debt. Even if he does, it’s undeclared income. Low level swindling of the state/benefits etc.

he sounds like a low life. Half truths to everyone. Smoke and mirrors. I’d run today.

I'm sure what he's done is borderline illegal, he sounds very much like he's taken advantage. And I assume there's no written agreement.

You are incompatible with your attitudes to money and responsibility and that will probably end your marriage at some point anyway. My ExH was ‘self employed’ and we always struggled financially as a result. We had dc so leaving was difficult when they were young but I often wished I could financially divorce him - before I reached the point of wanting to totally divorce him - because he was such a liability. I was actually better off financially after we split as I got more in UC than his net income, but more than that I finally had financial control of my life back and wasn’t living month to month never knowing how much he would contribute (or spend). And if the car had failed the MOT you would have come up with a solution. I’d be furious even my ExH who was hopeless with money wouldn’t have bought an expensive car behind my back.

I'd be reporting him to the police and kicking him to the kerb

OP, YANBU, any large financial decisions like buying a car should be made between you, plus you should have a choice in the model etc if you are driving it too.

Borrowing from an old lady is dispicable, even if she was happy to lend the money to him.

Is there a written loan agreement?

What happens if she passes away before he has repaid her? He might have to repay the entire balance into her estate at that point?

It doesn't matter what his childhood was like, he needs to live for now and deal with family finances like most people do now, which isn't with the big man making all the decisions while the little wife is grateful for his wonderfulness.

He is lying about what he borrowed and why and won't communicate about it.

What happens the next time he fancies a new shiny too, will he borrow more money off her?

So to pay this dodgy as f”ck loan back, he will be bringing in £100-£150 less money to the family pot EVERY WEEK!
In effect, you will be the one paying back this loan too OP, you do realise that don’t you?

Sounds like an absolute master stroke of a great con man. He’s fleeced an old woman out of the money and YOU will be the one paying it back. If you put up with this, I’m afraid it’s YOU who will be the village idiot, not him

All of this is shocking. I’d be concerned he had put your name to something which is why he is lying so much about it. Sounds like a financially abusive idiot so please protect yourself and find out as much as you can about this shady deal.

The lies would bother me. You are definitely not being unreasonable.

I think it depends on how finances in your household work. We have a joint account for mortgage, household bills etc and we both pay a salary percentage into that. What is left in our own personal accounts after that is not part of the pot. So I would get a new car without discussing it with oh , I’d just tell him in conversation I was upgrading. He’d do the same. Anything we are purchasing with our own money doesn’t need discussed.

Your thread title should have been “I am married to a scumbag who has conned an elderly lady out of a considerable amount of money”. Not “husband bought a car behind my back”. You didn’t even think it was worth mentioning that he got this money from an elderly lady in your OP.

The only reasonable thing to do now, is insist that your husband sells this car and repays this money immediately or you will start divorce proceedings. Otherwise, yes you do deserve each other. And I hope her relatives go to the police.