My husband has bought a car behind my back

[PinocchiosWife]

My husband seems to think that this is perfectly reasonable behaviour and I should actually be delighted.

Sorry for the length, didn't want to drip feed!

For context, we have been really struggling with money for a number of years. We had an old banger to get around in, and it was due it's MOT and supposedly booked in for it on a Monday a few weeks ago. I went away for a week working on the Friday before this.

When I returned I was surprised (to say the least) to find this lovely plush car picking me up. My first question was "where did this come from?“ to which he replied really sarcastically "a garage". I then asked where he'd found the money to pay for it, and he said a loan. He was obviously getting really angry so I didn't ask any more initially.

When he was calmer he told me that our car had failed it's MOT, and that he'd borrowed the money for this new car from some friends. He told me how much the car was, but refused point blank to tell me how much he'd borrowed. Apparently it wasn't like that in his family growing up - his dad would just buy a new car and his mum would just say oh that's lovely dear. Because of this he's unable to tell me about big financial decisions. 😂

Anyway a little while later, I discovered that not only that the car was more than he'd said, but also that he'd borrowed much more than the cost of the car. I also found out that the previous car had never even been for it's MOT, but had been traded in for the new car. The biggest shocker to me was that the new car had arrived on the Saturday (a day after I'd left on the work trip). He'd not mentioned any of this at the time despite speaking to me on the phone every day.

When I asked him about this, he said he didn't have to tell me how much he'd borrowed, and continued lying about the cost of the car. Then he said that I didn't trust him, didn't communicate, and proceeded to be horribly angry at me for another week.

So, if you've read all of that malarkey, congrats!
Aibu to expect that spouses should share this kind of information? Or am I not?
Over to you, wise mumsnetters!

Let’s face it you can never trust him again, you’ll be wondering what he be borrowing money for next, for the rest of your life.

o not a BMW, but not far off! Secondhand, but still way out of our current affordability.

Hope he realises that an expensive car means expensive spare parts and insurance.

I'd leave him (I've walked away from a marriage). I couldn't live my life with someone like that.

That could be seen as elder abuse, taking money off an elderly woman and paying it off with gardening. She could die next week (which he prob thinks will let him off paying it back), if he does 4/6 hours a week he must be laughing. He’s a con artist and aside from the car I would be thoroughly ashamed if this was my husband.

I'd be really concerned about the lady he's borrowed the money from.

This all sounds really awful, I'd be very worried because he sounds dodgy.

I’d just let him and his car go tbh. The amount of lying and disregard of your opinion as well as spending beyond his budget (parts etc are not free) is just too much for a marriage. Luckily, the debt will be informal it sounds like so it will stay with him in the divorce- good news!! What’s his is his when it’s informal debt he’s taken on without consulting you.

poor little old lady, I hope he does keep doing her gardens.

I’m horrified he’s borrowed the money from an elderly lady. You can bet he lied to her too about what it was for. How will he ever pay her back?

Sounds like you’ve married a sociopath as well as a div.

Yup.

Did he even borrow it? Or just steal it?

Either this thread is bullshit or your marriage is shit. If he really borrowed money like this he is a scumbag. And he is a misogynistic arsehole. Fuck him off.

So he has borrowed hundreds from her before, and paid it all back through working it off, so it's not like he's not going to be paying it back. As to telling her family, her husband is fully aware of it and doesn't seem to think it's a problem. The lady is definitely in full possession of her faculties too. Also we've known them for years. I did speak to her about it, and she said that she wouldn't tell me how much the loan was for as it was between the two of them.

How will he ever pay her back?

By which I mean 4-6 hours a week gardening @ £25ph will be a lot of gardening to pay for a car.

You think it's ok too? Maybe you deserve each other.

Potential financial abuse if the elderly lady is frail or vulnerable, very dodgy.

OMG

He expects you to trust him?

I don't think it's OK. At all. But at the moment I have two people that I have highly respected and admired for over a decade basically acting as though it's perfectly acceptable. I think even the first few replies to my post have concreted my resolve to head for the exit ASAP.

Are they in some kind of relationship? It just seems so bizarre that she'd lend him that much money.

I don't have a gardener but I do have a cleaner who is totally lovely but I could never imagine her asking to borrow thousands of pounds, or me agreeing to lend it. It's just not done

So many shit men, and they are all married to perfectly lovely sounding MNers. How do they all reel us in?

Glad you're LingTB OP.

A second hand car is what, maybe 15-20k? Even if he does 200 quid of work a week in her garden that's still way over a year's wages.

That is financial infidelity and very very wrong especially the fact he has to borrow money for the car.

Given this mumsnet I’m sure someone will come along soon to claim it’s his money and debt so you have no right to be upset.

I was going to come on and say I told DH if he got a promotion at work he could get virtually any car he wanted but it would be coming out his spends. (The extra payments for it). We could afford it. I couldn’t care less about cars I’m happy if mine fits the DC and dog in and starts that’s my criteria. He’s always wanted a certain one got promoted and got it. I have a niche hobby I spend money on too.

But in your case sorry the whole thing is just horrible, he’s a lying con-man. I don’t often jump on the LTB bandwagon but in this case I will, I couldn’t stay with this man, if he’s lied about the car what else will he lie about? What man “borrows” money off an elderly old lady on the premise of paying her back by doing her garden weekly. That’s sickening.

The only reason why you have struggled financially is because of him as mad his poor financial decisions.

It's all kinds of wrong OP, some bigger than others but each is a red flag on their own.

What does he need the extra amount for?

He's told you so many lies, can you trust him on anything he says? He's manipulated an old lady out of thousands of her life savings which could take many years to pay back. Does he do gardening work for her throughout winter? Or just the warmer months?

Bloody hell. Obviously he's a prick but this old woman stuff is awful too! I'd be really suspicious that he had taken advantage of someone vulnerable He almost certainly has, no one randomly lends their gardener thousands of pounds without any real repayment structure. He's conned her and now he's lying to you too. Disgusting piece of work.