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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband has bought a car behind my back

290 replies

PinocchiosWife · 20/06/2023 22:14

My husband seems to think that this is perfectly reasonable behaviour and I should actually be delighted.

Sorry for the length, didn't want to drip feed!

For context, we have been really struggling with money for a number of years. We had an old banger to get around in, and it was due it's MOT and supposedly booked in for it on a Monday a few weeks ago. I went away for a week working on the Friday before this.

When I returned I was surprised (to say the least) to find this lovely plush car picking me up. My first question was "where did this come from?“ to which he replied really sarcastically "a garage". I then asked where he'd found the money to pay for it, and he said a loan. He was obviously getting really angry so I didn't ask any more initially.

When he was calmer he told me that our car had failed it's MOT, and that he'd borrowed the money for this new car from some friends. He told me how much the car was, but refused point blank to tell me how much he'd borrowed. Apparently it wasn't like that in his family growing up - his dad would just buy a new car and his mum would just say oh that's lovely dear. Because of this he's unable to tell me about big financial decisions. 😂

Anyway a little while later, I discovered that not only that the car was more than he'd said, but also that he'd borrowed much more than the cost of the car. I also found out that the previous car had never even been for it's MOT, but had been traded in for the new car. The biggest shocker to me was that the new car had arrived on the Saturday (a day after I'd left on the work trip). He'd not mentioned any of this at the time despite speaking to me on the phone every day.

When I asked him about this, he said he didn't have to tell me how much he'd borrowed, and continued lying about the cost of the car. Then he said that I didn't trust him, didn't communicate, and proceeded to be horribly angry at me for another week.

So, if you've read all of that malarkey, congrats!
Aibu to expect that spouses should share this kind of information? Or am I not?
Over to you, wise mumsnetters!

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 21/06/2023 09:56

That's fine @Whenisitsummer if the spending from personal money is affordable after all joint household costs are covered.

However, the OP has said they are short of money so are unlikely to be in a position to be borrowing a lot of money to buy an expensive car. She's also said that he doesn't earn very much, so not applying himself to making a success of his self employment.

ChittyBangabang · 21/06/2023 10:03

Sounds like a rich couple dote on him and he'll work it off so not really a loan?

Eddielizzard · 21/06/2023 10:04

This isn't a working relationship. You can't trust him. That would be it for me

ChittyBangabang · 21/06/2023 10:04

But he's an arse regardless

witchmcgee · 21/06/2023 10:05

This happened to me a few years ago. We had been discussing buying a new car and had whittled it down to a few models (think VW Golf, Ford focus etc) and had a budget in mind. This went on for a few months then I eventually found out he had put a deposit down on a brand new Tesla - which was quite new at the time and very expensive. He had ordered it months before, and kept it quiet even when we had been looking at other cars. He couldn't understand why I was upset as it was "his car, his choice". completely missing the point that he had lied to me for months about it and undertaken a huge financial burden without consulting me.

He is now my ex husband.

MsRosley · 21/06/2023 10:09

Anybody who lies to you and then gets angry the moment you start to ask questions is not someone you need in your life, OP. The trust has gone. Without trust, the relationship is dead.

Rosscameasdoody · 21/06/2023 10:09

So. He’s borrowed money for a car when you’re struggling financially. He won’t tell you how much the car cost or how much he borrowed. He waited until you were out of the way before he did it, knowing that when you got back it would be a fait accompli. He’s proved himself financially irresponsible and yet he still expects you to trust him and accept his behaviour without question. And I call bullshit on ‘borrowing’ what sounds like a substantial amount of money from an elderly acquaintance on the promise of ‘working it off’ doing a few hours gardening every week.

You need to find out what’s really going on before he gets you both into serious trouble - if he hasn’t already, because it sounds like he’s manipulated an elderly person into giving him money, and as his partner, you’re involved. This should be your wake up call to get out of what sounds like a doomed relationship.

catzrulz · 21/06/2023 10:11

PickledPurplePickle · 20/06/2023 22:49

What!?!

He borrowed thousands of pounds from an elderly lady that he does a few hours gardening for

i bet she felt like she couldn’t say no

Poor lady - this is unacceptable

Absolutely, does this old lady have capacity to make a decision like this?
This is a massive red flag for me even if she is of sound mind.

JusthereforXmas · 21/06/2023 10:14

My DH just bought a new car last week, I didn't see it until after he bought it. Same with all his previous cars.

I bought both my cars without his input too, I fact I bought my first spur of the moment in an auction.

I buy older cars outright cash up front, he gets newer cars via loans... I have never known the details of his loans thats his financial burden that he pays with his wages.

Is there a specific reason its so bad? Like is it a £100k, 2 seater, convertible, mid life crisis sports car that doesn't fit the kids in? or are you always just controlling?

RecycleMePlease · 21/06/2023 10:15

Then he said that I didn't trust him, didn't communicate, and proceeded to be horribly angry at me for another week.

Well that's manipulative. Also accusations are admissions.

He didn't communicate he was thinking of buying a car, and can't be trusted if he arranges it all and secretly buys one, then won't tell you how much he's borrowed or how much it cost!

Conkersinautumn · 21/06/2023 10:16

4-6 hours a week for gardening , £250. Only needed for about half the year (max) is around 6k a year and being generous there.

You said he'd borrowed way more than the car (guessing car is around 20k).
If I was related to that woman and found out I'd be pursuing it as financial abuse.

user1471538283 · 21/06/2023 10:17

I would be very worried if he borrowed the money off an elderly lady and I would tell her family. Who does that?

Even if this were true he will be working it off so that deducts from the money coming in and you cannot afford this car!

I would separate finances with him immediately. You can both contribute the same to the bills etc, half each. Then I would think about untangling myself from him for good.

Spirallingdownwards · 21/06/2023 10:17

justasking111 · 20/06/2023 22:21

Who exactly did he borrow from. As his spouse you're jointly responsible for debts either of you incur.

This is simply not true

RecycleMePlease · 21/06/2023 10:18

Is there a specific reason its so bad? Like is it a £100k, 2 seater, convertible, mid life crisis sports car that doesn't fit the kids in? or are you always just controlling?

He part-exed a shared car and bought a new shared car without even mentioning it.

That's not controlling. If you DH took your car, sold it, got you a new one while you were away for work and got you in debt to do so (when already struggling), wouldn't you be a bit cross?

Phoenix1Arisen · 21/06/2023 10:19

I wouldn't be worrying too much over the 'poor old lady'. She and her husband have quite happily lent the money, this time and on at least one previous occasion.

Far more worrying is the Old Lady actively colluding with the OP's husband to keep concealed from a wife facts about matters which could swamp the marriage.

I also find it hard to understand just how a woman with long experience of this world can justify keeping an innocent party in the dark about the potential disaster (in all its many aspects) rolling swiftly towards her!

A sneaky little corner of me half hopes the husband defaults on the loan as a kind of heaven sent pay back.

7eleven · 21/06/2023 10:22

Throwncrumbs · 20/06/2023 22:56

That could be seen as elder abuse, taking money off an elderly woman and paying it off with gardening. She could die next week (which he prob thinks will let him off paying it back), if he does 4/6 hours a week he must be laughing. He’s a con artist and aside from the car I would be thoroughly ashamed if this was my husband.

I agree. You need to speak to this lady OP.

Wishimaywishimight · 21/06/2023 10:22

How long is it going to take him to "work off" this loan (of many thousands presumably) by doing a bit of very part-time gardening? Years presumably? Just how old is this lady? Is she likely to be around long enough for the loan to be repaid?

Overall, he is not someone I would want to be married to.

Craftsandgardens · 21/06/2023 10:25

I would be telling him to take a long drive in the car, away from me, and not to come back.

7eleven · 21/06/2023 10:28

I see you have spoken to her. He’ll likely never pay back the loan, as it will take years to work off. Eww. Shady as hell.

CuriouslyDifferent · 21/06/2023 10:31

The car is a symptom of his lack of respect for you.

SaxSick · 21/06/2023 10:32

How elderly is this lady? I hope she's not Lady Chatterley or similar.

Bea253 · 21/06/2023 10:41

He bought a car for himself and is mad you dared to push back.

He’s a child

piedbeauty · 21/06/2023 10:46

He's an abusive fuckwit. Of course you should discuss big financial decisions in a relationship! Him getting angry like that is a deliberate attempt to stop you questioning him.

he's a liar.

How can you ever trust him? That and the anger would be a deal-breaker for me. I also think the loan is dodgy as hell too.

bexx77565 · 21/06/2023 10:47

Viviennemary · 21/06/2023 08:05

Are you contributing financially to the household budget. Driving an old banger isnt safe. And if the car failed its mot what was he meant to do. He made a decision. Somebody had to.

It didn't fail, he did not take it; he sold it two days before the MOT

bexx77565 · 21/06/2023 10:51

So he effectively brings no income in for the next gawd knows how long while he (hopefully) pays thousands back to the elderly lady, all while you go off to work hard all week away from home to support the household?
Something very suspicious about her refusing to say how much it was too, he is maybe coercing her into not only giving money but also hiding it from you.

No no no no nope.

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