Partner leaving me because I called him a cunt

[harrycantdrive]

I’m 6 months pregnant. Around 12 weeks into my pregnancy my partner stopped being positive and happy about it and became distant and quiet, lots of silent treatment, too much drinking (in my opinion anyway) etc etc. On a few occasions I called him a cunt for being so nasty to me without explanation. I text it a few times too. Since then we talked more and I thought we had got back to how things were, however, he came home drunk yesterday and I said this is the start of awful behaviour again, to which he said ‘it will give you an excuse to call me a cunt again…’ I then said I thought he was being a cunt previously and if he starts being nasty again I will think he is a cunt again. (Yes I am aware how childish this sounds written down). He’s now said today that actually he doesn’t want to be with someone who could have called him that and he’s leaving. I am too exhausted to even begin to argue or reason with him. I’m devastated that I will be alone while pregnant, I never wanted that for me or our baby. I keep feeling guilty that I have ruined our family unit by what I said and then the next moment I think hang on, this isn’t on me, he’s been a terrible partner and I lashed out. I get that the relationship is over now regardless, I can’t look at him the same way anymore, but I now carry this consuming guilt that if I hadn’t snapped and used such terrible language that maybe we would have resolved things. I’m so tired and sad.

He wanted to leave...he just needed an excuse.

I'm sorry op

I'm not sure if I'd want to stay either. DH says things when he's angry but he never calls me anything. Your being pregnant doesn't excuse that. Sorry

Anybody used that word to me, I would be out of the door as well! Its a messed up situation for you both, but there doesn't seem to be any respect on either side so probably better off apart anyway.

Well… but also no one has to put up with being verbally abused

Well, sounds like it was toxic all round.

I wouldn't stay with a partner who called me a cunt either. I'd be out the door. So yeah you need to do a bit of soul searching and get a handle on your temper and how you speak to people. How will you cope with an utterly infuriating toddler?

That said it sounds like he's been a pretty awful partner so you're not the total cause of the relationship breaking down. He has had a part to play too. So I think it's bit useful to feel all the guilt. It probably would have ended anyway.

So yes I think people have been told to LTB for far less tbh and it’s his choice not to tolerate that.
I wouldn’t.

I'd take this as a great opportunity. It doesn't sound like the best of relationships. Let him leave before you have the stresses of a newborn.

@Comedycook my brother said this. I just don’t know what I did wrong. I tried so hard to reason with him last time he went weird with me. I couldn’t take it happening again. I’m already high risk as 39 and baby is small. I could do without this on top of everything else. Maybe he wouldn’t have fallen out of love with me if I hadn’t been so spiteful, it’s a horrible feeling, the guilt.

I honestly think that when a couple get to the point where they are calling each other names, it's pretty much game over, there's really no coming back from it.

Sounds like he wants to leave the relationship and is using this as his reason/excuse.

If you came on here saying your partner had called you a cunt, most posters would tell you to LTB. Works both ways. I wouldn’t put up with it, do you think it’s ok if a woman calls a man one?

It's one word, don't get hung up on that specifically. You reacted to his nasty behaviour, and became verbally abusive. So the relationship has issues from both parties. It sounds like you would both be better off out of this relationship and concentrating on creating a stable environment for your new baby.

If someone repeatedly called me that I'd leave them

You're both as toxic as the other. What a mess.

It sounds awful but in reality, you can't speak to people in that way and expect them to want to be in a relationship with you.

Just as an aside, I hope the rest of your pregnancy and birth go as smoothly as possible. Try to focus on the baby for now.

Op he clearly just doesn’t want to be with you and is using this excuse. Being verbally abusive to him shows you don’t love him as much as you think either. Be grateful that your baby won’t be brought into a horrible relationship and focus on yourself and the baby.

@Cheetahmum id hope my toddler wouldn’t be drunk and not speak to me at random etc etc. However I do understand your point about the temper. I felt like I had exhausted all patience with him and I wish so much I hadn’t lost my cool, at least then I could have walked away in the knowledge I had done nothing wrong.

His behaviour doesn’t sound good but I wouldn’t stay with someone who repeatedly called me that . This doesn’t sound like a relationship that was going to last .

I think hang on, this isn’t on me, he’s been a terrible partner and I lashed out.

No op, you're wrong. Regardless of how he has behaved, you are always responsible for your own actions. You really need to understand this if you're becoming a parent.

It sounds like he got cold feet about the pregnancy when it became real and unavoidable at around 3 months. It's not about "falling out of love with you", it's about fundamental issues in your relationship where neither of you are able to express your feelings in a healthy way and to work on things together.

@SingaporeSlinky i don’t think it’s ok, I guess I feel like he’s placing the blame on me for things ending when I was putting up with abhorrent behaviour and eventually snapped. It was hard.

It's a horrible word and calling a loved one that should never feel ok. I understand why he left. But you can only learn from this, realise it was never going to work and focus on being a good mum.

I think he’s right to remove himself from the situation, the relationship clearly wasn’t working for either of you. Please just try to be the best co-parents possible for your baby.

Agree.

If my husband called me that I'd walk out.

Did you ever get an explanation for why he withdrew and started to drink 12 weeks into your pregnancy? Did you manage to talk about it at all? Because obviously something underlying changed and calling him a cunt repeatedly wouldn't have helped