Partner leaving me because I called him a cunt

[harrycantdrive]

I’m 6 months pregnant. Around 12 weeks into my pregnancy my partner stopped being positive and happy about it and became distant and quiet, lots of silent treatment, too much drinking (in my opinion anyway) etc etc. On a few occasions I called him a cunt for being so nasty to me without explanation. I text it a few times too. Since then we talked more and I thought we had got back to how things were, however, he came home drunk yesterday and I said this is the start of awful behaviour again, to which he said ‘it will give you an excuse to call me a cunt again…’ I then said I thought he was being a cunt previously and if he starts being nasty again I will think he is a cunt again. (Yes I am aware how childish this sounds written down). He’s now said today that actually he doesn’t want to be with someone who could have called him that and he’s leaving. I am too exhausted to even begin to argue or reason with him. I’m devastated that I will be alone while pregnant, I never wanted that for me or our baby. I keep feeling guilty that I have ruined our family unit by what I said and then the next moment I think hang on, this isn’t on me, he’s been a terrible partner and I lashed out. I get that the relationship is over now regardless, I can’t look at him the same way anymore, but I now carry this consuming guilt that if I hadn’t snapped and used such terrible language that maybe we would have resolved things. I’m so tired and sad.

I used to be very quick to suggest breaking up but I read an update on thread similar to this where they had lived separately for a year and had intense counselling both individually and together and they’d manage to save their relationship which was better than ever. Would it be worth it to try it and would he be open to it?

There is actually no excuse for turning verbally abusive rather than leaving, you really need to reflect on your behaviour here too. You are as bad as each other. Your toddler will test your patience far more than a drunk partner, they won’t deserve to be called a cunt and neither does anyone else

Bizarre that we're all concentrating on you calling him that (which you shouldn't have) and not that's he was nasty and drunk and being drunk more often.
Tell him to go.
I don't agree with your behaviour but he's turning it all on you.

@begaydocrime42 no he just said he was stressed at work which was supposed to explain the drinking and the silence etc. He then got arrested for being drunk and disorderly and that was the point at which I couldn’t take anymore. I know I tried my best to be patient with him but ultimately failed as I used such awful language eventually. I know it’s not ok.

You weren't ok for calling him one

He wasn't ok for behaving in a way that you felt meant he was being one

It wasn't a healthy relationship and you'll probably both be happier apart

Pregnancy is really stressful for both parties and if the relationship is already strained not all couples will make it through

Bringing up a kid as a single parent is much nicer than trying to bring up a kid in a toxic household, for everyone concerned, particularly the kid

Well, no, it's representative of the level of contempt they have for each other at this point. One of them should be ending it.

He doesn’t sound great. But you cannot repeatedly call your partner a cunt and expect them to put up with it. I know sometimes people can get angry, but for me this word is unforgivable.

@amiold That’s what has upset me, the fact he’s made it appear that I was terrible in how I spoke to him so that’s why it ended. He’s not once apologised for his behaviour. I don’t want the relationship and I am relieved in a way that I am now free of him but it stings a lot to be cast as the villain ‘I had to leave as she was verbally abusive.’ I’m not a nasty person and had so much patience, eventually it ran out.

You are both the villain, that’s why it stings so much.

Op, why didn't you leave him first if his behaviour was untenable?

I don’t blame him.

Theres no way I’d stay with a man who regularly insulted me and had a go at me.

Either you’re abusive or you both are, either way this is no relationship to bring a child into.

Hopefully you will both grow up once the baby is here and be able to co-parent.

You were terrible in how you spoke to him. His behaviour also sounds awful therefore as long as you address your temper out I'm sure baby will be happier not living with a drunk.

It's just a word. Everyone says things they don't mean when they are angry. Jesus Christ Mumsnet a a sensitive place. Surprised you all have partners and your relationships must be perfect. I can't see myself leaving over being called a word like many others on here would. The getting drunk constantly is a different thing and he probably is acting like a complete cunt being arrested says he was indeed being a cunt.

@TeaKitten a toddler isn’t a partner. I had expectations of my partner that he wouldn’t be unable to speak most nights and that he wouldn’t crash around the bedroom and get upset with me for literally no reason… and then never apologise. It’s not comparable to caring for a toddler which I have done many times.

Neither of you are more right or wrong than the other. Hopefully you both will grow up and find happiness away from each other.

The relationship has ended because he wouldn't accept you abusing him and calling him a cunt is abusive. That doesn't mean he is perfect far from it but he is the one who reached the limit of tolerance first. You need to work on yourself and figure out why you tolerated his behaviour and resorted to being abusive yourself rather than ending it because of his actions.

This.

He is scum, looking for a way out.

That isn't a nice word, even if it describes him perfectly.

Another word would have done, loser or waster come to mind.

You are better doing it alone.

Watch your stress levels.

I think too many replies are focussing on OP calling the guy a cunt and not on why she did it. She was clearly heavily provoked. She's a pregnant woman who was being verbally abused. Okay maybe not the most grown-up way of standing up for yourself but she didn't start it.
I agree he was trying to pick a fight to leave anyway.

Yep, I agree with this.

The best thing you can do is learn to manage and take responsibility for your reactions before your child starts pushing your limits and you start lashing out at them.

I say this as a child of parents who broke up, blamed everything on each other and were equally incapable of taking responsibility for anything they did.

I think the real issue here is him turning nasty and being frequently drunk. Swearing at him isn't on, but frankly he seemed to have started to dysfunction here.

The whole situation sounds incredibly toxic.

I would focus less on what caused the break-up and more on how you're going to cope going forward.

Wow raise your bar.

A person who is regularly verbally abusive is not a good person to be with.

Most people wouldn’t insult you and call you names if they actually like you, regardless of whether you were arguing or not.

I'd be walking if my husband called me that. Work both ways sorry to say.

You are still excusing how you’ve treated him. You say you snapped but that you will be able to control this with a child. Accepting your part in this break up without swinging it straight back to his fault will help you long term. His is at fault for his behaviour, and you are at fault for yours, your actions are your own, not ‘his fault’ for provoking you.

I would be pretty cross if my partner was regularly getting very drunk and then got himself arrested for being drunk and disorderly, especially if I was pregnant. I might have used some choice words towards him as a result.

Don't cast yourself as the "villain" here, it's not helpful. Learn from the issues in this relationship and move on. Concentrate on getting set up for your new baby and having a stable home situation. The last thing you need with a new baby is relationship drama and a drunk adult in the house.