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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner leaving me because I called him a cunt

462 replies

harrycantdrive · 20/06/2023 15:45

I’m 6 months pregnant. Around 12 weeks into my pregnancy my partner stopped being positive and happy about it and became distant and quiet, lots of silent treatment, too much drinking (in my opinion anyway) etc etc. On a few occasions I called him a cunt for being so nasty to me without explanation. I text it a few times too. Since then we talked more and I thought we had got back to how things were, however, he came home drunk yesterday and I said this is the start of awful behaviour again, to which he said ‘it will give you an excuse to call me a cunt again…’ I then said I thought he was being a cunt previously and if he starts being nasty again I will think he is a cunt again. (Yes I am aware how childish this sounds written down). He’s now said today that actually he doesn’t want to be with someone who could have called him that and he’s leaving. I am too exhausted to even begin to argue or reason with him. I’m devastated that I will be alone while pregnant, I never wanted that for me or our baby. I keep feeling guilty that I have ruined our family unit by what I said and then the next moment I think hang on, this isn’t on me, he’s been a terrible partner and I lashed out. I get that the relationship is over now regardless, I can’t look at him the same way anymore, but I now carry this consuming guilt that if I hadn’t snapped and used such terrible language that maybe we would have resolved things. I’m so tired and sad.

OP posts:
ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 26/06/2023 19:35

Unfortunately it's quite clear what happened here. He decided he didn't want to be a dad. So he got nasty.

What you did wrong was turning verbally abusive back rather than leaving him for how nasty he was being to you.

He didn't want to be a dad. He was never going to be nice to you. He was never going to step up, come to appointments or sit and chat about names. He just couldn't leave because what a bastard he'd look for leaving his pregnant partner. His abusive pregnant parter? Well now he can say it was the abuse and he just couldn't tolerate it. He wanted an excuse and you gave him it.

This was never going to end happily ever after. He was going to leave, you just should have thrown him out before you gave up the moral highground and turned abusive yourself.

Say good riddance and prepare to bring this baby up alone.

GreekGod · 26/06/2023 19:38

Tiny2018 · 20/06/2023 15:51

I honestly think that when a couple get to the point where they are calling each other names, it's pretty much game over, there's really no coming back from it.

This. 100% agree. Why would those words even come out of your mouth if you truly loved and respected him ? Doesn’t make sense.

cassiatwenty · 26/06/2023 20:46

Any updates, OP? People are participating in this thread, only fair you give us an update.

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 26/06/2023 21:03

cassiatwenty · 26/06/2023 20:46

Any updates, OP? People are participating in this thread, only fair you give us an update.

No one is owed an update on OPs life, as much as we might like one.

Hopefully she has read the advice and is moving on with preparing to welcome her baby alone.

gamerchick · 26/06/2023 21:03

The OP doesn't owe anyone on this thread an update Hmm

CleverLilViper · 26/06/2023 21:10

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 26/06/2023 19:35

Unfortunately it's quite clear what happened here. He decided he didn't want to be a dad. So he got nasty.

What you did wrong was turning verbally abusive back rather than leaving him for how nasty he was being to you.

He didn't want to be a dad. He was never going to be nice to you. He was never going to step up, come to appointments or sit and chat about names. He just couldn't leave because what a bastard he'd look for leaving his pregnant partner. His abusive pregnant parter? Well now he can say it was the abuse and he just couldn't tolerate it. He wanted an excuse and you gave him it.

This was never going to end happily ever after. He was going to leave, you just should have thrown him out before you gave up the moral highground and turned abusive yourself.

Say good riddance and prepare to bring this baby up alone.

I completely agree with this.

He had already checked out of the relationship. He didn't want to be a parent and you just provided him with the perfect excuse to leave where he doesn't look like the arsehole that he truly is.

I think you now need to focus on yourself and your baby. He was likely being nasty to you to force your hand so he could again play the victim.

That doesn't excuse you turning abusive, by the way. You need to deal with how you manage your anger and work on that. Nothing good can come from anything when abusive name calling comes into the mix.

You should have kicked him to the curb when he started turning nasty, but hopefully you know that now and can use that to move forward with your baby.

Gettingfleeced · 26/06/2023 21:11

I wouldn't stay with someone who called me a cunt... but then I wouldn't stay with someone who was being a cunt to me either.

BeverlyHa · 26/06/2023 21:13

This relationship is not meant to be perhaps. He was not happy because you got pregnant, started drinking

snowfoxglove · 26/06/2023 21:15

@gamerchick speak for yourself

snowfoxglove · 26/06/2023 21:27

i agree with you @2pence and @cassiatwenty, over 400 people commented on this thread, no thanks or anything. it makes more sense to help people who appreciate it.

gamerchick · 26/06/2023 21:34

Somebody's actual life is not for your entertainment. Whether you have been posting on the thread or not.

Maybe watch some soaps or something, if you want something tickled.

gamerchick · 26/06/2023 21:37

I mean fucking hell. Do you sit with people IRL who are talking about their problems and then demand a thankyou at the end of it?

Nobody owes you anything.

MagicTheGathering · 26/06/2023 22:07

snowfoxglove · 26/06/2023 21:27

i agree with you @2pence and @cassiatwenty, over 400 people commented on this thread, no thanks or anything. it makes more sense to help people who appreciate it.

I think you all really need to get a life!

snowfoxglove · 26/06/2023 22:15

You all REALLY need to get a life. Who talks to friends and expects a thank you? What is this, Manners Class?? You're actually gelping someone and expecting gratitude?

Be lucky you didn't get called a C word.

Better play some games now (like Magic the Gathering) and watch soaps. @gamerchick has spoken with logic, class, and eloquence

snowfoxglove · 26/06/2023 22:17

@gamerchick literally who even are you? Why are you? The fun police? These OTT comments are so weird.

NotmyRLname · 26/06/2023 22:32

if he had called you that this whole thread would be saying LTB. You verbally abused him and he doesn’t want or need to put up with it.

snowfoxglove · 26/06/2023 22:46

It doesn't seem this thread appreciates help anyway. Pearls before swine as they say

@gamerchick are you ok? It doesn't seem you ever spoke to people in this real life if saying thanks after someone helps bothers you.

How do you know what someone owes me or not? Have we met? I don't play Minecraft sorry

ElfieLea · 27/06/2023 00:15

snowfoxglove · 26/06/2023 22:46

It doesn't seem this thread appreciates help anyway. Pearls before swine as they say

@gamerchick are you ok? It doesn't seem you ever spoke to people in this real life if saying thanks after someone helps bothers you.

How do you know what someone owes me or not? Have we met? I don't play Minecraft sorry

I REALLY REALLY need to get a life because I've spent way too much time trying to figure out if this is satire.

I really hope OP is ok and at least getting a little laugh out of this nonsense.

HRTQueen · 27/06/2023 00:54

you are pregnant with his baby and he is being horrible to you

This is the issue why is he being nasty

he has found an excuse the name calling was wrong but this isn’t why he is leaving

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 27/06/2023 06:59

snowfoxglove · 26/06/2023 22:46

It doesn't seem this thread appreciates help anyway. Pearls before swine as they say

@gamerchick are you ok? It doesn't seem you ever spoke to people in this real life if saying thanks after someone helps bothers you.

How do you know what someone owes me or not? Have we met? I don't play Minecraft sorry

😂 are you ok? You’ve spouted a weird run of posts.

Mustardseed86 · 27/06/2023 09:39

snowfoxglove · 26/06/2023 21:27

i agree with you @2pence and @cassiatwenty, over 400 people commented on this thread, no thanks or anything. it makes more sense to help people who appreciate it.

Someone posting during a crisis, while pregnant, doesn't necessarily have the bandwidth to read 18 pages including lots of people berating her in order to sift through for helpful comments and say thank you! Also, nobody is forced to comment on any thread and it's not some kind of big favour you're doing. You have no idea whether OP has had some kind of medical problem or what is going on. Just chill out.

ErmWhatever · 27/06/2023 10:47

Only on mumsnet are you not allowed to call someone a cunt when they're being a cunt.

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 27/06/2023 12:13

ErmWhatever · 27/06/2023 10:47

Only on mumsnet are you not allowed to call someone a cunt when they're being a cunt.

No one is saying he wasn't behaving like one. But its not an excuse to be verbally abusive back within a relationship.

If he's being a cunt, by all means tell him he's being a cunt while you kick his ass out. Break up with him. But calling someone a cunt regularly within a continuing relationship is just abusive, irrespective of the truthfullness.

Brexiteermorons · 27/06/2023 18:53

I think if I was your husband and you spoke to me like that, I wouldn’t want to come home to you. Being pregnant is no excuse for bad behaviour

HRTQueen · 27/06/2023 20:58

ffs the op is pregnant

a partner should be caring and kind not horrible and mean its a difficult and worrying time

you are better off without him op just you can’t see that now as no doubt you feeling vulnerable

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